DINISHA
avid dancer
believes in the virtues of meticulous study
aspiring forensic pathologist
an unthought rarity
music aficionado
10 11 89
LUSTS jack johnson

Rock & Roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Tuesday, May 1

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see, dear.
Do you see shadows there?
Darker then they ought to appear.
Do you see the secrets I keep?
The secrets I want so badly to disappear.
Do you see all the things that I fear?
Hoping that I will never lose you.
Listen to me speak, dear.
And I will tell you things you never knew.
About you, me and us.
Let me wet my lips when I am tired of talking.
Let me stay this way forever, here in your embrace.
But look into my eyes.
And let me know what you see.
All the things about me,
good and bad. But mostly bad.
Fortune favoured or singled out to be condemned.







My shadow stretches a thousand miles.
And it envelopes everything in darkness.
But if you listen carefully,
let it whisper in your ear,
your shadow will tell you what you want to hear.
It'll tell you stories about its adventures.
All the places it's been,
all the things it's seen.
All the people it's met,
all the conversations it's shared.
And if you pry hard enough,
it'll tell you with the utmost conviction
that it really is you who is the shadow.
The mimic.
The silent observer.
You are the absence of light.
You are the darkness that is
its constant follower.
It is you who bends and stretches and twists and breaks.
It is you who takes it all away
You've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you.






Just.
Take.
Me.
Away.

din

Sunday, April 15

Under this canopy of trees.
It is just you and me, you leading, I following.
Behind, always an arm's length behind.
Your eyes flicker wearily backwards,
you know of my presence.
I am the tiger, I tell myself.
I stalk my prey with the utmost meticulousness.
The trepidations of your fingers tell me otherwise.
You are not afraid.
You are anxious for the coming pursuit.
So I brace and lock my legs,
ready for the pounce, unaware if you will allow yourself to succumb.
Or leave me grasping empty air.
You want to watch me dream somemore.
Leave this tiger wondering what you will do next.
Did you notice me too? Crouched in the foliage.
Do you covert my meat as much as I hunger for yours?
Just because gazelle's eat grass, it doesn't mean
they don't crave meat.
I want to know, the tiger tells itself.
I want to know if you want me as much as I want you.

We shall see.
The tiger licks it's lips.




She uncapps the bottle titled "Emotions" that stood on the shelve for the longest time. She'd wanted to use it right. She took her chances at times but backed off at every chance she got. She'd never wanted anyone else. She never needed anyone else.


For her Unicorn told her so.
& now euphoria places meaning in it's worth all over again.
Her knight has won her heart all over again
but this time, it felt so right.

not that it ever was wrong.






My blood throbbed and pulsed.
Beating it's beat at the back of my head.
My mouth went dry.
Like eating a fistful of sand.
My breath must have leapt in decibels,
amplified in my anxiety and fear.
It was all I could hear.
Not the pounding of feet.
Not the grunts and groans.
Not the fact that I was all alone.
My hand gripped tighter, and I bit down on my tongue.
Feeling the artificial skin stretched taut
between my finger tips,
I wiped the sweat from my brow,
and took in a final breath.
And held it.
Everything came rushing back to me.
The sounds, the smell, the blinding sun.
And the beat, beat, beating of the blood
at the back of my head.
And I will never forget the exhilaration.
When the prize left my hands.
And it jetted into the blue-white sky.
Piercing the heavens only to come down
in a rain of glory.
I awoke from day dreams with a cheer.
A hip-hip-hooray or sorts.
And I knew, at that moment,
the camaraderie was killing me.
Yet it was the only thing keeping me alive.
I rejoiced.
For something so simple,
for that short moment,
made me so complete.




My thoughts are all a mess now. I promise I'll be sane again the next time I blog.

It's because I'm happy and you know why.

din

Sunday, April 8

You looked so strong. Confident and independent; perfect in all ways which would explain why she always wanted to have you. Yet, I watched from afar, just a quick glimpse and my cardiovascular locomotive would go on churning for days. I believed that since you were perfect, adding myself to the equation would just subtract, if even just one, from that pefect hundred. To me, that was enough, seeing you presented, rounded-up, never down, that to me was beauty, in my warped sense of lyrical romanticism.

Yet, as my glimpses of you grew exceeding lacking in numeration, I began to crave the sight of your existence. You held me transfixed, in an odd sense, like a moth to a flame. Whenever I flew too close, my heart would get singed.

I know I'll never have you, that's what makes you so goddamned fascinating, because no matter how hard I flap my wings, pound my chest or type myself to death, you'll never look my way. Simply because: you are the flame.

And me? What of me?
As ever, I am the ever fateful moth.



High.
The night ends on a note of sickness and dry heaving. Acid and bile are foreign to the tongue - it brings unwelcomed explosions of sourness and surprises unsuspecting taste buds. Through the grimace, you see reassuring faces, you feel comforting hands running up and down your back and you hear the gentle lull of concerned voices. Yet, while the world was busy swimming, you were busy doing your own. Fighting against the surge of emotions, struggling upstream, against all impulses and natural instinct.

There is no reason keeping up appearances; you get sick all over the floor. You get sick all over again. There is no escape from this sinking feeling, like you're falling, deeper still and there is no out this time. But you fall through, flat on your face, slumped over the toilet and the night ends on a note of sickness and dry heaving.


But it ends well.
Apparently.




Sorry, I have run out of intelligent excuses.
I apologive, my thoughts are a jumbled haze.
Too tired to think straight, so many words meander, my sentences derelict.
Vocabulary missing, my diction, out of place.
Sooner or later the world will lose it's hold over me and I will slowly float into space.
My exhaustion overcomes gravity - when I sleep.

And so I sleep.



I got accepted into the Millennian Stage! Highlight of the week.
Otherwise, homework's been piling up to the sky & I think i'm majorly jinxed.




Remember to breathe.
Don't forget.

din

Thursday, March 29

We're in the woods, just the two of us. I have on my best sneakers, the ones with rainbow laces and the place on the back that Windsor chewed through when he was a puppy.

Her steps are bigger than mine, but it's a game-I try to jump into the hole her shoes leave behind. I'm a frog; I'm a kangaroo; I'm magic.



When I walk, it sounds like cereal getting poured for breakfast.
Crunch. "My legs hurt," I tell her.
"It's just a bit longer."
"I don't want to walk," I say, and I sit right there because if I don't move, she won't either.


She leans down and points, but the trees are like the legs of tall people I can't see around. "Do you see it yet?" she asks me.
I shake my head. Even if I could see it, I would have told her I couldn't.
She picks me up and puts me on her shoulders.

"The pond," she says. "Can you see the pond?"




From up here, I can. It is a piece of sky lying on the ground.
When Heaven breaks, who fixes it?




Schools been a bitch and I think GP is the only reason why I even turn up everyday. Gone are the days when I had a life. Or did I even?


I was reading through the Midsummer Night's Dream pamphlet and it stars REHAAN ENGINEER. How queer and amazingly funny. That sums up my randomity for the week.

Drama Auditions on the 5th at The Changing Room. All the best to whoevers auditioning! but I really really really hope I get it cause all the other CCAs couldn't be more monotonous.



I have a bigass accounting tutorial to do but all I want to do now is escape into an intriguing book.




How now, wholesome iniquity.

din

Monday, March 5

Before you met me I was a Fairy Princess
I caught frogs and called them Prince
And made myself a Queen
Before you knew me I travelled round the world
I slept in castles and fell in love
Because I was taught to dream


I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinkerbell
They were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell




I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like Bedsheet Sails
I believe in Peterpan and miracles
And anything I can to get by
And fireflies


Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings
Before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
"Life is hard, and so is Love, child, believe in all these things"

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinkerbell
They were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell





Before you met me I was a Fairy Princess
I caught frogs and called them Prince
And made myself a Queen
Before you knew me I travelled round the world
I slept in castles and fell in love


Because I was taught to dream.

din

Sunday, March 4

The sky segmented, the dark canopy drawing bold black outlines, my eyes distinguish the segregation between heaven and earth. Sweat smudges and stings, I grimace and wince but the image is not entirely lost. I hold this revelation tightly, dearly, I am over-awed. Beneath the soles of my feet the gravel grunts and grates, restlessly tossing and turning, sliding me uneasily down my path. Uneasily I take heed, I shuffle, I increase my speed, taking me leagues from where my heart is in keep. Like the swirling of milk into coffee, I become diffused into the absolute blackness around me, slowly thinning until I am but a wisp and then I disappear.


My mind is lost first.





But my body feels the cold of night. My fingers tingle; it is pins-and-needles that prickle my skin ceaselessly. A blanket of dew settles on me, like cold silk against my skin, I think morbidly, this is my death veil. Like the gravel previously, now it is my turn to toss and turn restlessly as beings of a higher order trample on me. I am listless in my sleep.

I awake feverish, hoarse in the throat and dry in the mouth. Too much screaming.








Why I pry into such unearthly thoughts, for which I cannot comprehend myself. My mind shreiks with ample disgust. I pay it no heed. I have already drowned out all trivialities, my mind focuses on the task at hand.







Walking beneath the surface of the truth I realise what I've prevailed. My summoned thoughts extinguish the dreary, yet bold tangle. Why should there be any more need to hide?


There is no more need to take refuge in kind words and soothing tones, I feel it is best to be honest - to come clean or so to speak.

I feel so fucking alone and cold.
There is no warmth in this world, no shining beacon of hope that both illuminates and offers heat. The sun does not suffice. Nor the radiance from friendship bolster the exact same effect.



I'd like to trade this desperation for something more intense. A passionate embrace perhaps, one that causes me to tremble violently and at the same time fall into a calm so quiet, I appear seemingly ghostly.










To that consequence, I lay my heart bear, awaiting an ambush. An ambush so sweet, it tingles into my taste buds, knowing that through every second spared, I'd only want to be with you.







Sometimes, I wonder if I'm trapped in the land of eternal sorrow.
I feel stupid with a smile plastered on my face.

The curve of my lips display a fantango but only overturning with a trajectory of tears as they run down my face.


"Cry on cue!" they say through sobs and weeps.
"I promise I'll try," I say through a grin, through gritted teeth.












Schools about to start soon & my musics coming along slowly but surely. The need for my lethal existance transcends a message of melancholy. I hunger for a purpose. I will bite off the sweetness of the everlasting doughnut.



& i desire your every vision in my path. Surely, I am the same kind of idiot, and I can't help it.

din

Saturday, February 24

I've sold my soul, for a bargain,
too hastily made and not properly thought over
And now I prepare for my time in 'hell'.


There is a dearth of words, simply, because there are no words. I am lost in the stillness of inactivity much like a junky is lost in the high. There are no threats to my bubble-existence, no piercing reality, no painful quaking, there is nothing. I sleep at 2.30 in the morning and I wake up just after 1 in the afternoon. I lie in bed for about an hour, thinking, making mental poetry of the sounds that permeate my living space.

All in an earshot; I hear the splash and the thud of rain under the inevitable principle of gravity; everything falls. I hear the movement of mechanical motors, turning turbines in metal monstrosities, commuters commuting under the inevitable principle of commerce and trade; everything must prove its worth. And if I squeeze my eyes tight enough, concentrate all mental power on hearing (instead of seeing or smelling or feeling) I can almost hear atoms collide. The crazy spinning and crashing atoms, they waltz, they tango, clumsily and haphazardly, but at least even they haven't forgotten how to move to the music. The Brownian Motion; the beat is rhythmic, the beat is constant, it never changes because it is chaos.





How do I prove that my life isn't a waste? That the energies expended by my mothers and fathers have not all been for nothing. Although I believe that I am merely the product of a cold night and warm bodies, there must still be purpose for my existence. Perhaps a leather worker, a weaver, a carpenter, a poet, a painter or maybe a lover.


Yet this philosophy, this belief in my conduct, this quest for recognition and purpose just leaves me in the dark of my thoughts. The chambers resonate with the laughter I've forgotten to laugh, the halls are filled with the kinds of people I could never be or be with; the heart yearns. I want to forget the pains, I don't want to be mature, I want to go back to being that girl who never stopped smiling. I want to be that girl again, I want to smile again.






Time cannot be undone. Like a fire that consumes, time turns everything into dust and ash. So that little girl is gone, scattered in the winds, blown to distant shores.

It's a rite of passage, to show that you've grown up, reached a tier of maturity that allows you to pursue any public endeavour single-handedly. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after, when my quest is accomplished, I would have experienced the epiphany that comes with such a task.





Wish me luck, for I take my departure into the void of the unknown!

din

Saturday, January 13

You Call This a Castle?

Cracked cement ramparts,
a less than mighty bastion,
swamp cooler overflow,
drool down the battlement.
Behind the stoackade walls,
faceless generals barked
orders to their private troops,
drilled their little soldiers.

Welcome to my castle.

You call this a castle?
Heat throbbing off the
parking lot convinced me
to chance crumbling stairs.
And there, step four, flight two,
I bumped into my Black Knight.
Okay, maybe more like grey.
I'll compromise with silver.




Clapton's in Singapore today! & it sucks so bad that I'm not going for it. ULGH. Instead, I'm off to some gig today with the guys. Double ULGH. I dreamt about the concert, well my rendition of it and damn, it was everything I'd imagined it to be. OWELL.

Yknow, I can't bloody wait for school to start. Being school-less pretty much bores the living crap out of you and believe it or not, it's been tough getting a J-O-B. I interned at my aunt's lawfirm a couple of days ago. Pretty fun really. Met a great big bunch of lawyers and lawyer apprentices. I mostly filed paperwork and made appointment calls which was pretty interesting. Though I'm so not into law and a desk-job would bore me to bits. Hope to go back next week as ironic as it seems.

Otherwise, it's been me and my music on cold, dreary afternoons where the sun seems to have lost it's purpose and I've been on a mind-wonder to whether there's a damn hole in the sky. The piano needs re-tuning YET AGAIN. I want a baby grand. Sulks*





I haven't really made resolutions for 'o7. One being I never stick to them and two being, I couldn't be a bit bothered. But I'll sum a toast, here goes:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.


It's kinda appropriate for graduation but graduating in Singapore could suck every bit of enthusiasm out of me. And I'm sure you couldn't agree more.









you'll never know me.

& missing you, is, already,
the understatement of the year.
(my sweet love thing)

din

Wednesday, January 3

Woes,
friend of misanthrophy.
All thoughts concerning you
have turned pernicious in nature.


So Saddam's dead and school never sucked so bad. Went to MI today in regard to 'give it a day' and well, I did and I just can't seem to place any bit of my heart in that school. & it takes two bloody hours to reach campus, really, I'd rather die. So yeah, I signed for release so I guess it's back to looking for a job for me then. Beats school anyday.




Sue's leaving for Melbourne in 2 days. I still can't fathom the fact that she's leaving and it hasn't really sunk in yet. The advantage of her always being there for me is gonna dissipate so soon and I'm sure as hell not ready for it. I don't know, I just hate seeing people I love go. Somehow, it makes me weak and causes my bones to shiver.







Why do we fight?
Because the alternative is unacceptable.
Because failure is unacceptable.
Because there is nothing else to
live for if we are screw-ups and fuck-ups.
And poor boys will never live the dreams
of grandeur,
like the ones that I entertain at night,
after I cry,
I chuckle myself to sleep.
It's ludicrous.
Ridiculous.
Incredulous.
To even think, that I could be someone,
of magnitude and bearing.




0% = No Chance In Hell.

din

Sunday, December 24

Merry Christmas!

Have a sparkle of unicorn dust this christmas.

Know I'll always love you.

Every single one of you (:

din

Wednesday, December 6

Pride-swollen chest,
an awful belief of embellished self-worth.
Courage-juice fills my veins.
And I imagine signals that were
never exchanged.
A smile,
becomes eternal.
And I imagine you want me.


;Virtuosity entralled, in your existance.





She hit the play button only to expect a melody so sweet, oh so sweet.
Heaven forbid she ends up alone.
'Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, it'd be all right.' he says to her.
And he dechiphers her every move, wanting to hold her in his arms.
His huge arms that'd fit so perfectly into her embrace.

She felt it as she forgave the urgency.
His scent swarmed into her, killing her softly.
She loved it, she thought to herself.


And at that moment, she made a promise beneath her lashes.
'I won't belong to another, not ever. Not ever.'


But just like how fairytales end, without judgement nor scandal
He lifted her into his arms (oh those arms, she thought).
She smiles, and really; thats all he ever wanted.







But really, a smile is just a smile.
I have to keep telling myself that.
So that I don't overstep my place.
And remain convinced that the whole world shuns this face.
So I stay honest,
and bide my hour.
For I know, rushed love
always ends sour.


Last weekend was lovely.
Great Company.
Great Music.
Great Ambiance.



& I have decided to only get my hair washed by a male. Gees, those lady shampoo ladies need to cut those 10-inch nails of theirs.





You fall away from your past.








Hell really is living without you.

din

Wednesday, November 29

The air that billows and breathes,
the water that gurgles and sighs with relief,
the land that sits and waits.

I need to know the earth.

I need to witness it's unending beauty.
To hold in the grasp of my hand,
the shivering stalks of freshly plucked flowers.
To breathe through my nostrils,
the frigid cold air of high reaching mountains.
To drink with my lips,
the running waters of meandering rivers.
And to thread upon the ground, with knees worn and tired.
To witness the landscape change beneath my feet.

If you know the earth, you would know freedom.








You will notice that, they build you up, just to tear you down.


It's been pretty much book oogling and dreaded piano lessons these days. Boy, i need a job. I want a job but I've decided to let stupid JapanExchange past before I apply for any. Nic's just got a job at Warehouse (Marina). She was like, ' next time if u go to topshop and other uk shops, when u see the price tag, rmb to tuck it back in the clothes!' HAHAHAHAH. Hilarious. She apparently has to tuck them in for the customers every single time. So yeah, keep that in mind the next time you go shopping guys (:





It is beautiful poetry,
only if there is someone
reading it.

I realised this. And a lot of other things too.


It is a wonderful feast,
only if there is someone
to eat it.

Same premise. Same promise.

The entitlement to happiness. Is it mine?
Will I always be shunned and over looked?

I know God didn't grace me with the
perfection that comes so easily to others.
And I know I ought to try so much harder
instead of using flowery words all the time.
But I have never been a lady of action either.
A lot of times, I have ideas, that never materialize.
Or hopes, or aspirations, or visions of sorts.
But they never come to pass.

This grandeur that I delude myself with,
it is just me thinking out loud.






Heaven is a sorority.
And all the angels are jocks and frat boys.
And God likes to see me suffer.









The stranger told her to take his hand.
And it made a believer out of her.
This young, smooth skinned stranger
held a promise in his eyes.
And it glistened the way only stars could
on a badly lit night.
His voice trailed in her ears,
and his cologne lingered on in her nostrils.
She said, "this is what love must feel like".
The cold steel met her throat in a flash of brilliance.
It caught her unaware, mid-way in her stride to keep up.
And blood splurted everywhere, her hands clasped around her neck
trying to stem the flow.
But she felt her hands going numb,
she felt her eyelids close
and that last breath of desperate gasping
made her choke even more.
And in her mind, his face was burnt;
an after image of perfection.
Smiling, lips stretched taut against pure white teeth.
Hair slightly aloft with a passing breeze.
And his hands, so smooth, so white, so romantic.
The hands that parted her skin with a kitchen knife.
But so romatic none-the-less.
He had caught her unaware, halfway up a curb.
He had caught her,
and it was fair.







I wish I was the one
who lingers on; in your mind.
I wish I was the one
who made your knees weak
and electricity darts through you
when our fingertips meet.

din

Thursday, November 23

Life is about finding the anwers to the questions you ask yourself and then questioning the answers you've been given.
Life is about contradictions, that we may find love in hatred and hatred in love. That we may hurt those around us and yet get hurt by those we keep close to us.
Life is about limitations, that we may reach the limits and stay within reasonable bounds, or surpass the limitations that we are bound by.
Life is about making connections and connections lost.
Life is about living,
Carpe fucking Diem.
Carpe Diem.
Carpe
Diem.

din

Wednesday, November 22

"'Tis true, a fool, unprecedented to have walked the courts of Kings and Queens. That ever he may be nigh, often is heard the most rambunctious merriment. Gift or curse, ne'r deny him the sound of your laughter."




As I draw you close, your warmth envelopes me. And it
makes me feverish as we dive in between the sheets.
"You make me feel so complete", I say.
As the wheezing fan throws your hair all over the place,
I stifle a yawn as I stare into your face.
I force myself to stay awake, as long as you're in my embrace.
But I drift off to sleep, because I've never felt this safe.

As I draw you close, closer still, I wish I could sing to you.
I'll tell you of tales you'd never believe.
Of the mysteries of the universe and of
perilous escapes and treacherous betrayals.
And I'll end it off, with the greatest romance;
Romeo and Juliet.
Oh how I wish I could sing so sweetly.



As I draw you close, I mention all the things you mean to me.


Just a dream I had days ago. Meant to put it down on paper but I didn't have the time. Oh who am I kidding? I have loads of time, all the freaking time in the world. HAHAHAH.




So the Os are over.
Yet, life goes on.

& trees still grow the way they do.




'PIMP MY TREE' by Dinisha Thadani

The glazed leaves shimmer monotonously
Life 'in da hood' apparently, wasn't that easy.

'I'd climb mountains' said the branch to the lily
'But hell, I'm stuck in this pimped up tree'.



HAHAHAHAH. Okay, that was horrible, but I guess since this is my blog, you guys should have a taste of my randomity. Here's me when my mind's bloggeled.





Moving to LJ soon, hopefully. Then we can all kiss this overrated blogskin goodbye (:

din

Sunday, November 19

Who reads the signs, I put on my lawn?
Although it reads, 'Keep Off The Grass'
I really mean, 'Welcome'
Welcome to my life, so that you may judge me,
hate me, confuse me for someone else,
think of me as a friend, hold me in high regard,
like me, borrow my books, steal my spare change,
ask me the time, hold my hand.



Shoot me the next time I promise you guys I'll be blogging more often, cause it ain't gonna happen. I've been a bum now that alls left is PhysicsChem MCQ which starts in about forteen hours. Heh, we all know why the hell I even bother to count, don't we.

So the school's drama production, good hakka girls grow up to be good nurses, played on Friday night. Wasn't all that bad, maybe a gazzilion times worst than anything I've ever seen in my life, but we've got to give it up to the amateurs who if I may say, rocked the little, minute stage located on the 3rd floor of the Tampines Regional Library. Whooptidoo. But it was fun, i guess. Got to spend my quiet Friday with all of my goons (:




Lunched at the British Club today with Mum. It's good to celebrate the feminin side of our family, which I for one, sometimes ignore. Being a guy is somehow more, Rock&Roll, if you know what I mean. But nonetheless, the food was great and my Mum's amazing. & I'm glad I didn't turn out a boy.






It's cold, it's unfeeling, this steel carapace we call our hearts.
Exacting with precise accuracy the measured beats per minute.
One after the other, one to a hundred, hundred to infinite.
It never asks for a rest, it just ceases when it ceases,
From fatigue, from stress, from over-exertion, from abuse.
When the gears stop churning or go all out of sync,
that's when you know you've run out of seconds,
minutes and hours.





I'm really looking forward to the weeks ahead. I wouldn't say I deserve the break, but it sure feels like I need it. My brain needs to delve into more unimportant and materialistic elements in life. HAHAHAH. But hey, the word of truth never hurt anyone now did it?





Every word uttered.
Every finger pointed.
Every furtive glance.
Every face in a crowd.
Every broken promise.
Every awkward gift.
Every hushed whisper.
Every held breath.
Every second that passes
widens the gap
between past and present.
Between were, was and is
only serves to drive you further
away.











I wonder where you are.
I wonder if you're reading this.
I wonder how you've been.
And it's stupid to think,
that everytime I post an entry,
I'm trying to reach you in some insignificant way.
That every poem I write,
every line deplored,
is all a desperate,
juvenile,
ploy on my part
to impress you.
But I guess it's not working
because you neither hear nor care.

din

Friday, November 17

My life truly is a comedy.
Yet I don't seem to be able to come
out of it laughing.

din

Monday, November 13

If someone says he just looked at danger in the face and laughed..
he most probably just drank milk way past the expiry date.
For me, i just attempted my O Levels.


Yet, it sure as hell never meant to rip my freaking guts out as it begged for an undivided attention, it lured me into a clear daze. It conjured me into isolation, serenity. It filled me up with statements, numbers, rules, methods. I was about to explode from within. Only, that would make a mess. And we all know how I don't work well with mess. Yeah, it never meant to, one bit.



How do you do it?
Every single time I hear your voice
it makes me weak in the knees
I fall 10 feet from reality
in search of your face.
How is it that you make me feel so much
when all you'll ever be to me
is blatantly unbecoming.

If you ask me if I remember what it feels like to be around you, if you ask me if I remember the veiled pretenses.
The latency for love, the latency lost. And refound.
Do I still want you, dear love, I can't make up my mind.
I'm afraid I've forgotten how.
How does it begin? I know too well how it ends.
Have I gotten over the past grievances? Mostly, but not without difficulty.
Am I ready to start this rolling,
downhill from my unceremoniously high perch.
To end this self declared state of isolated loneliness.
To end up a scattered wreck of stolen hugs and kisses.
I think it's best just to keep on making up romances.
Keep these feelings at bay, keep these monsters away.
From the gates, from the porticulls, from my trenches.
The dark, dark recesses, where I hid and I said I wasn't ready.
Said I was still fragile.
I laid my back bare for the world to stare,
and open wounds with viscious words and empty promises.
They cut too deep. I might have made euphemistic stakes
of my state.
Am I going to fall?
Or am I going to fall in love?


Frivolness
is not taking yourself too seriously.
& levity,
isn't a sin after all.





Believe me.
It dosen't get any better than this.
It could, but then again
I'm habitual of drowning it
into self-denial.
I won't let you in,
yes it'll break me into millions.
I guess it'd take someone else
to kiss these
seventeen-and-never-been-kissed
lips.



November Nova

Happy Birthday Reuben (:
My Rock&Roll buddy.

Live and Let Die huh? Hahahah.
Have an awesome seventeenth.


Boy, this treacherous wait is hell.
No.
Hell is (living without you).



This sparks off my Monday. I'll be blogging more often now since the blasted exams are almost over.
I'll see you soon, bitches!

din

Tuesday, October 31

Hell-O Halloween.


The world is imploding
while I explode from within
I cannot gather the words fast enough
to form any kind of coherent sentence

So I should contend with
only disjointed fragments.



As they reverberate, ricochet,
rocket and reel.

"Miss", "Frightened", "Doomed" and "Failure"
In my jaundiced state,
these are the only words I offer.


& stopping myself from saying anything remotely, pathetically peevish.



The MotherTounge O Levels were yesterday. Boy, oh boy do I totally suck in that language. I guess Paper 1 was was fairly pleasant, no complaints. Paper 2 was horrible. So horrible, I think I doomed myself into the next century. & what is it about malay comprehensions and family-abandonment or something. Like DUDE, you've got issues man.


I read your words
& my head is dizzy now.
"Me? Me? Me?"
I ask myself.


"No. No. No."
I reply myself.
My pessimism gets the better
of me. Now that hope is lost.
Sutures do little to stem
the flow of outpouring lamentation now.
Because...I am too much of a coward.




Dear Folks,
I thrive on randomity.
Hell, it makes me smile.


Pace with me, if you must.




Went running at 2 am last night. I just needed the adrinalin. Ran through Siglap Link, which was amazingly quiet. It was a teeny bit scary, cause of the dark shadows. Admist the making-out couples and the scary toumb that never fails to freak me out, there was an overwhelming peace.
It was quite nice, the symmetry albeit a blurred, twisted image.

I had a moment of peace, but then I ran back home thinking of my comfy bed that awaits me oh so dear.

in the secret, in the quiet place.



Running is cool, endorphins and the other jazz that makes a bio student's day.
So I ran away.
Figuratively, literally.



So it's apparently Halloween today. How I remember running through the streets of Ocean Park back in the day, with catwoman costumes and candle-lit lanterns prancing about with Snow White and Robin Hood by my side because I needed them. I was afraid of the dark.
"Trick or Treat!" we'd say. And goodies. Oh, the goodies inflammed a lighted splint in me that lasted over a minute till I remembered Joey. The kid from across the block. Wheel-chair bound, watching us from his window, sharing our joy, but I couldn't quite ignore the pity.
I remember the painstakingly decorated houses, scary, yet sublime. It was like a parade. I love parades. I love Halloween. Not now. Just back in the day.


Mum brought home the yearly decorated Pumpkin. This year's themed, "Cheeky". Don't ask why. Sculpting's not my thing. But it looked quite good. The kids around the neighbourhood rang in one by one. I got so tired of rushing out to give them their treats that I resorted to doing my art-work near the doorway. Desperate Times, people.


Why's it always Treat and never Trick. HMMMM? - immiscible greedy fo0ls.
HAHAH.


and the telephone wires
that carry the sound
stretch across the sky
and under the ground.





Have I mentioned how much I detest art. Yeah, after tomorrow, I'm FREE FROM ART BABYYY! Hell, does that make me glee with anticipation (: Paper's at 2. Sushi with the girls/girl after that. I Cannot Wait.



The further I withdraw, the more I realise the distance between me and freedom. I will never be happy. I will just bottle up my hurt and wish that the world will just hurry and die from a haemorrhage and leave me the fuck alone.
Where the fault lies in me and I lie in denial's bed, I will slumber and never wake. Choosing only dreams where I am flaw-free and innocent. And not the nightmares where I am Hyde. The purveyor of all that is pure. The yeast that turns fresh cream pungent and sour.





I am my own pestilence.
I am my own executioner.
I am my own demon.
I am my own, to call my own.

When will I learn to let the little things go?




Fuck you potentially crippling angsty posts!

Dinisha = biggest moron ever to walk the face of the earth.
Trust me, it's true. I should know better than you.
There is no other, more imbelcilic than me.



One thing.
I miss you.
Oh, you couldn't even begin to imagine.
And everytime your name
just so happens to come up in a conversation,
I think of you. And it leaves me sedate
for the rest of the week.
No, I'm exaggerating.
Forgive me.

read into this if you want
although nothing good will come out of it
and remind yourself
that it isn't you I'm talking about.
Because it's probably not.


I'm off to delve in the sweet crumblings of Art, in hope of an awesomely becomming grade. Wish me well. I love you all, every single one of you. Fail not to remember that.




Compound my fears, now.
I dare you.
Do it.

"I'll eat you all, my pretties." said the Pumpkin.

din

Monday, October 23

you're a jewel to sparkle around my neck
a fragrance in the morning;
i cannot forget.

Let me believe, just for one second.



So Diwali was a real kick in the head. Night before was pretty interesting. Reacquainted with my JustinTimberlake. HAHAH. Yes, he really looks like him, only shorter. Otherwise, the entertainment sucked big time & i think i've made up my mind never to get drunk. Hell, never.

Diwali Day could have been better. Office prayers in the morning followed by me contracting Food Poisoning - GodKnowsHow. Ruined my entire afternoon although even that beat studying. Ended up only visiting two houses before going off to Katong. Was bland. As I said, could have been better. Met Shanti & Natasha after 3648595048363948598765 years. Miss you like hell honeypots.


Crowded as hell but at least Sam and I had our own fun. Goodness knows what I'd do without that girl. Ditched KangWei's birthday bbq cause the other 2 BSR's couldn't make it. And honestly, volleyballers = no fun at all. But yeah, here's some birthday loving to the three birthday boys on Thursday, 19th of October.

Happy 18th Birthday Joel Heng!
Happy 17th Birthday Kishen!
Happy 16th Birthday Guo KangWei!

HoHoHo.



Off to Grandma's after that. More of AC/DC, the Beatles and GNR. Diwali's no fun without these sessions (: Totally healed my upset stomach.

Yesterday was pretty good. Studied in the day followed by ChickenRice with Jayant inclusive of Moronic Humour and Nonsense. HAHAH. Funny. Then home to study somemore till Dinner at SRC.


I think I just saw the most adorable human baby of all time.


Kiran is a DOLL.



she was a ballerina in the subway train


oh yeah.





I think LB turns me on.

SWEET (:




Practical on Thursday was horrible.
That sums up my blog entry.

GoodDayFolks.




'i wont let them in on your unicorn fetish'

din

Thursday, October 19

I question the repetition of monotonous rants.
I question more than anything, the absence of substance.


...and you ask of the condition of my love?
...of it's face value.

we have much to learn.
we've learnt too much.




here's to a better tomorrow

din

Saturday, October 14

Smile, like you mean it.

It's been nice. AnnHin, KangWei, JunHao, K.

i tell everyone, i smile because...

din

Tuesday, October 3

Sometimes its hard to see
Things you want in life;

come and go so easily.


Horrid results.
shyeah, like I've ever truthfully loved my grades.
SIIGGHHH.

This is gonna suck but Dinisha Thadani has, at this point in time, become fully aware of her disability in entering SAJC for first three months. WhoopieDoo.

BUTBUTBUT, Thanks to everyone who made me realise that there's indeed more to life. Especially to Jihan Bok JieHan (whoops), Nicole Tow JunMei, Foo SueAnn & Chen AnnHin.

I detest Guo KangWei, people like that should be banned from society.
Smart people make me regurgitate.

And also to every other person who showed me some sweet lovin' ;D


Class felt awesome. My BackSeatHomies (HAHAHAH) made me roll on the floor laughing. Ahhh, gonna miss them so damn much. So cheers to you guys, ChenAnnHin, GuoKangWei & ChuJunHao - we'll make it through the rain guys (:


So back to the part where I crumble in self-denial and eat my heart out.

First heartbreak was Physics - to frickin hell with it. Kills me, ballz. Though I was pleased with PhyPrac albeit the fact that majority managed to score as well as me. Rawr. Then came GLORIOUS English. I was dumbfounded at the sight of my english marks for Composition. Wooohooo boy. Maybe my passion's not all that faded away. Or so it goes...



Then came fucktard Malay, which I passed but whattheheck. A C6 is no better than what I got. Then came even more pathetic Math Paper 1 marks, which even gave MrNg the huh?why?s.



I'm not it. You cannot judge me by that piece of paper.
Hell, you shall not.

M-O-N-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
Sing it.




Met SueAnn impromptly at Parkway after Piano.
FOOOOOOO, don't leave me ):

We had fun, LOADS.
Albeit her numerous attempts tp crack jokes.
We're officially known as the KOO&KA of this generation.
don't be afraid to folly.

And we pronounced PRINT to be our omgomgomgomgomgilovethisshop (:
HAHAHAH.
There's PRINT in Parkway bytheway.


That makes a VERY HAPPY KOO&KA.


Got NOTHING of her to-buy-list but a hair straightener and writable CDs.
Caught a cab back at nine-ishhh, taking the world's most outrageous pictures with OMG SueAnn's New Phone, which I am totally in LOVE with. I wouldn't let it off my hands for even a second! HAHAH.


& I'm gonna miss you so damn much
even polaroids won't shake it like you do.
LOL.


I miss watching telly. The only programme I'm entitled to watch is PRISON BREAK. But I'm so in the mood to stare at the telly all day long on the ComfyCouchh. Those Were The Days.



he took the last train out of my heart.






It's getting late & I think I miss somebody.

din

Sunday, October 1

111th post.
Boy, it's getting good.


show me your garden that's bursting into life
& i just smile.



People change, all the damn time.
I don't think there's anything in life which isn't a choice.


Except birth, parentage, race.




a long time ago, people may have said gender and hair colour
but we all know that's not the case now is it?

everything in life is a result of a choice you've made.

everything.


So FSA, i really hope you've made the right choice.
But I'll respect every darn choice you'll ever made, y hear?

((:

hmmmmm.



i'll really miss class.

it's ironic how everyone detests class till the very minute when the bell rings
and now that it's over,

we want more.



haven't been blogging. not because I've been studying
don't be fo0led.


Met Yen the day Prelims ended
finito, zilch, khalas, over.
went to watch 'john tucker must die'

not a very intelligent movie, blatantly
but I had fun nonetheless
i mean who in the world could resist Jesse Metcalfe
PUREeyecandy.


Saw Shaza from HaigGirls. Gosh, it's been ages since we saw each other. heh. but yeah, she's really busy now with school and stuff. Or wait, does going out with not one but 2! ex-boyfriends count? HAHAH. she's insane. Love ya, Shaz (:



My January friend, i'm wanting you again.


Went swimming with Andy on Friday
at 12 am.
Call Me Crazy.

But it was good fun.


So yesterday was plain bullocks. I was down with a acceleratingly high fever all day. Started burning up at like three in the morning and fatigue took control so I had no strength to tell the folks, or even t dial their room number. Sighh.

Then somewhat near midday, I burnt out in cold sweat, which is NOT the most awesome feeling ever. Seriously, I thought I was going to die. & i told mum how I haven't even told the people around me how much I appreciate them and tell my friends how much I love them.

Dinisha, don't be so melodramatic. You're JUST having a fever.
was the reply.



but of course.




& like as if that wasn't enough torture, I visited the bathroom about 60,000 times cause I had diarrhea. Ohhh, the misery.


I was kinda unhappy cause today was scheduled for Blood Donation and so I can't go due to the 5 million panadols I was compelled to consume. Grrr.
I was looking forward to it. Ohwell. Everything happens for a reason don't it?



my stomach is in knots over you



Knowing what I know is inconsequential to the knowing of what most men know, and no matter how much you know, there's nothing like no knowing. You know?



Tick, Tock goes the clock.
& I'm still waiting.



Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger

I could disengage.



I want to gym so bad. Excercise is all that keeps me busy. Cause when I die a little, I know, there's a hope, out of NOWHERE.


He lied, I sighed.



it kills me not to hear your voice.





Oh dear friend, I know not our future or if our fates will ever cross.
To never fathom my future.

din

Friday, September 22

Wake me up when September ends.

Prison Break premiered yesterday at ten on Channel 5. It's been zonkers since the last time I heard about it. But it was worth the wait, totally. Awesome Shit. And OOH, it felt so mighty good to glare straight into my beloved black box. Oh, how I've missed you so.



he's too good to be true.
AHH, i could spend all day gazing into his sparkling crystal blue eyes.




So the series is basically about how Micheal (Wentworth-my future child's name) goes about getting his brother out of jail. So Micheal robs a bank on purpose so that he would be thrown into jail; thus, getting his brother out.

Yup, DO WATCH. It's the next best thing to Life As We Know It. Btw, where the hell did that wander off to? Like it vanished in TellyWorld - Ohh, it'd be like I died and went to heaven. Ohwell, wherever you are, do come back.



& i think of you
my verbo transitivo

yet, I ponder, like ponderers do.



Physics Preliminary Exams today at 10.45.
I cried during the paper.
Shhhh, you're not supposed to know.
& it broke my heart to know that I may not get into first three months.

My Dreams - squashed right before my very own eyes, like a pile of bugs thrown into a punding feild.


Geog was peaceful. Skipped the whole of Map Reading. Like who the hell gives a rats ass about where & why a damn kelong or even a longkang is situated. Gees.



Math Paper 2 was a fucktard. Couldn't handle it and thats why I worry over my disability in a way I've never done before.
But I'm too young to judge,

and all the men and women merely players.


Live your story; Faith, Hope & Glory.



Was playing the piano when Andy called to say she was all EMO. Hahahah, that girl's hilarious. & I was playing Can't Smile Without You. How appropriate. Heh.

My mission's failing miserably. Owell.
I'm veg for 9 days straight. & I'm going to stick to it.

Rain or Shine, I'll do it. Watch me RAWR.



i miss the old days. like the one last year, and the year before that, and the year before, before that. YEAH, you get the picture. I miss my adolesence & I hate the fact that it's all fading away.
Right
Before
My
Eyes.


Nad, if your're reading this; I MISS YOU ):

To Tow, Bok & Foo: YOU GUYS ROCK!




I haven't read a book in FOREVER, and I miss doing so. Someone, Anyone, recommend me a darling book to read. Hell, it's been so surreal. BOOKSBOOKSBOOKS make me happy (:

I'm due for a good, intelligent conversation. Where'd all the good people go?



& I'm glad for friend's like Anny.
it's good conversing with her of all the dramatic realms of life and the fullofthemselves, HAHAH.


owell.
i've got a scorching hot date with Art.




BOO! cause you can't scare me.

din

Wednesday, September 20

The body is a mere vessel, it can undergo change, pleasure, pain, scars, etc.


But the soul is immortal.

'Thus, a person never really dies, but is united with God, and one would be foolish in mourning and missing those who are dead for they are with Me.'



Love,
G.O.D.

din

my hair's a frock.

snip snip goes the scissory
help me outta my misery

Steady as he goes..



the official prelims began today
gosh, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just put them away?


-feeling rhymmy. God knows why.


SS was so full of shit. I detest it out to the very souls of this earth. If I became ruler of all the universe, the first thing I'd do is BAN SOCIAL STUDIES.
Shyeeah, like that'll ever happen.

so pek chek.


Have I ever mentioned that the Creativy Hall is SO not the place to sit for exams. It was so frickydicky cold (major understatement) freezing (that's better), I was shiverring in my seat. Goodness Gracious.

the black box waits for me
calmly, yet luring.
i need it, i want it.
COULD I?

Pretty Pleaseeeeee.


Temptation. SIGH.
Chem after Stupid, Sighing, unSignificant SS.
I would want to say it was managable, only, I don't wanna jinx myself.

Yet I yearn for that A



SO BAD.


If this keeps me away much longer
I don't know what I would do
I've got to understand it's a hard life
That I'm going through

& when the night falls in around me
I don't think I'll make it through
Use your light to guide our way



cause all I think about is you.




Tell me. Before it's Too.Late.
You know how it is

Drop me into my puddle of enchantment
SetMeFree.

I'm on a mission.
Help me, dear Lord.

Solemnly, I ask of you.



Geography followed by E Math Paper 2 tomorrow.
OHH, the pain.

din

Monday, September 18

And So It Goes...

Prelims have been postponed to Wednesday. Good grief. I know shit about SS as well as Chem. Yeah, you heard right, CHEM! Trying to work every ounce of energy I have left for this.

It's a difficult time, but I believe, in all faith, that we will get through this together. Hang in there Nicole. We're behind you in every step you take (: Love you, till death do us part.

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like I must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start

Things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that I think too hard

& I don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so damn curious, to know
There are too many unanswered questions
That we hold on to

I've put my theories to the test
You know I've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold

Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things I'm looking for
Well, I've learnt to let go

Give in to love
& listen to my soul

Portraits of your loved ones
Are more than what you see
All the elements, they've captured
Are more to you than me

A different dimension we've cared to define
There's a forest to go through with thorns and vines
There is no reason to try

like you, like you.

Sometimes, chocolate makes the pain go away
Makes you appreciate everything on earth.

Makes you believe.

So, I've got to give in to love;
& listen to my soul.

Don't take too long to say ''I love you'' to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away.

Maybe I'm not taking this well,
maybe I'm taking it fabuolously

either or, I'll die not knowing.




The say, life's unfair.

But why didn't they mention death wasn't all that different?


the clock goes 'tick tock'
&



we're still waiting..

Ferverently Finding Faith













What's the point of starring into the eyes of uncertainty,
if only to spend a minute to dream.

Where malice is a form of justice never truly reigning,
neither truly failing.

What's the use of having a dream,
if only to never fictionate the words of my song.


That's when I realised that the rose indeed has no thorns.




Momento Mori; Remember that we will have to die.


Carpe Diem

Sieze the Day; enjoy the present
As opposed to placingall hope in the future.

I'm heartwrenched.

And So The Story Goes...





You;
You left. That's it. Over. & I might not see you again. Or maybe, if I don't turn out to be an indescribable heartless wreck, I might. But you took a little piece of my heart with you. Keep it safe.
A Very Corrupt;
Me.



It started out as a story;
it turned real.







Just. Like. That.

din

Sunday, September 17

Pranced upon a song called, I Miss You by And Then I Turned Seven on shuffle.

Today came with shattered dreams
Everythings not what it seems
Don't think death won't come get you
Cause it will,
Life's misconstrune

Though my battle's just begun
I'm dropping arms and going to run
I can't wait to see the day
These painful tears all go away.

I'm broken inside.

I died a little today;
but nothing compared to his family's grief.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod & your staff, they comfort me.
PSALM 23:4

Au Revoir, Samuel.
I'll be sure to see you again.

din

Saturday, September 16

It's extremely hard to fathom Samuel's passing. Who had ever thought such a tragic tragedy would occur. My relationship with Samuel was that of an acquaintance. We had one or two conversations and I had heard of him back in Sec 2 from Nicole who spoke nothing but good words of him.

Samuel really was a good guy. So gentlemanly. With intelligence exuding through his soul, he made things seem so easy going. He will be greatly missed though he has inspired us all. I'm sorry for the death of Samuel Tan who passed on. So suddenly. Dreadfully. Heartachingly.

School on friday was a disaster. Everything became so austere once the news had been out in the open. Guess people around me shared grief, confusion and dismay. Some even stressed?

There's this thing within me that assures me that he's in a much brighter, more beautiful place and that we should be happy for him. I am happy for him now that he's in heaven and I rejoice to that. But I grieve for the Family. His Mother looked totally broken inside at the Wake yesterday. How could any mother live day to day with the absence of her son?

Poor Aunt Maurine. I would never be able to understand what she's going through. The pain, the agony, the heartbreak. It just leaves me with a bunch of questions that I know everyone has. Why now? What now? Etc. Etc.

He's so young, just too young. I'd raise the dead if I could. If only I could. Sounds absurd, but I would. Anyone with such a power would. We all would. Who knew what a tiny insect could do to someone. The hardest thing is to handle it all. The situation, the way we feel. But we have to stay strong. We have to believe in everything that lives on.

Now's the most important time in our lives where we reach out to the Lord, with arms wide open. I totally agree to what Aunt Belle said about his passing. Why take away such a good guy? It is in the name of the Lord that Samuel was the chosen one. Yet, his legacy lives on in all our hearts.

The hardest thing at the point in time is to console. It don't mean anything once reality has attacked in full force. The reality of death. The impact. You'd go to school and just assume someone would be there forever. We'd never really thought about it at all.

& there's nothing we can do cause for a fact, life goes on.

But I still want to know why.

And now that the prelims are on, it's ever harder. But Samuel wouldn't want us to do badly, he'd want the best of us. He'd want us to do well for him.

Samuel Tan lives within our hearts & we will never forget all the great things he has acomplished and how many lives he has impacted.

Rest In Peace, Sam.
We all love you.

din

Thursday, September 14

Let me stand next t your fire
Let me stand next t your fire

I have only one itch and desire

Let me stand next t your fire.

I feel like playing daiti right now. It's just so sian nowadays. Turns out, there is no first 3 months, according t Massari/Magni - Mr K's new names. Hahah.

Also, turns out that we have t come back t school t take our results in SCHOOL UNIFORM. LIKE WTF! Ong Kim Soon is so vexing. It'd be 3 whole months since we wore the damn bubble skirt and shirt. So bete noire.

Art before Malay Paper 2. Didn't do much, It's blatant I'm gonna have t chiong man. Malay was a bore. I didn't have the strength t attempt the paper. Was just compelled t fatigue. I completely lost all the willpower during the paper and slept through most of it. Sigh.

SS after that with LeongSF. She made it pretty clear t me that I've got language by my side but I'm just not answering the question.

Just got DEVASTATING news.

Just one thing.

Seize the moment. Cause tomorrow, you might be dead.

RIP.

din

Wednesday, September 13

Malay Paper 1 was confrontable.
Art before & after. I'm officially exhausted.

There you go again, leaving me hanging.

Go eat crap, cheebs.

din

Tuesday, September 12

English was bleah.
I can so kiss first 3 months, or 2 months rather, goodbye.

SIGH.

I didn't have enough time for Paper 1 mostly because that bitch Koh made us stop writing at 9.45 when the board said 9.47. 2 minutes is alot in times of desparation.

Who's going t save me from myself?

My mother is getting on my nerves again. Ugh, all I need is t prove t her that I can be the daughter she always wanted me t be. Which is just so hard it makes me want t cry. Yeah, it's that sad.

I'm anticipating every second of my future. It's gonna be a bang. It has to. If it dosen't, God knows what I'd do. I guess I push myself t hard. But if I don't, then who will? My folks have become broken records, sorry t say, it's just that way.

So I'm fasting starting from now till just before the Os. I'm off all luxurious foods till then as well, so I actually just eat before 5 am and then again after 8. Yup, with Prayer as well of course.

I've got t design my ball outfit like by this week. Well, by friday. It's supposed t be indian cause it's for Diwali. So I thought of going Black Rock&Roll Churidar. Hahahah, sounds like loads of fun but I've really got t start getting my ideas into place. Hope it turns out well. Feel free t send me pictures so I may be inspired, thanks.

She's going t change the world

England, you bloody fool.
I believe you're speaking our language.

din

Monday, September 11

You're a rhapsody, a comedy.
You're a symphony and a play.
You're every love story ever written.

Didn't wanna wake up today. Fatigue just overpowered my will t get t the bus stop early. So, as usual I reached the bus stop close t 6.40 and the bus hardly came till 6.50. %$#&^ So Murphy's Law lah. I'm not asking for instantaneous service, just cooperation. Gees.

So obviously, I was late in meeting Jihan at the bench. If I gave her a dollar every time I came late, I would be bankrupt by now.Oh Jihan, don't even think about it. Hahah. Nonetheless, we reached school a little before the second bell and assembled at the D&T block.

Science Prac soon after. I have now proclaimed myself as the most stupid person in the entire universe. I mean how could I forsee that Iron is oxidised and therefore is a Reducing Agent. Any dumbass knows that. I just answered of which was oxidised and stated the damn reason. I just hope Bakar decides t be an angel and gives me a mark for it. SIGH.

Otherwise, Physics was pretty easy. Got the Refraction of light experiment, which happens t be my favourite of all experiments ;) But I'm just so sore about my Chem. I really want that A1. Anything, ANYTHING t pull my damn Physics up.

Well, just hope all goes well. We were quarantined for approximately 4 hours in the AVA Theatre. 100 bodies cramped up into a mere space of 2(dining hall). Oh whatev. Made it out there alive. 10-ed home soon after cause I just needed t rest for a bit. Ended up sleeping from 3 to 6. Then rushed for Piano.

She wore devil t'day. Seemed agitated for no apparent reason. I thought my scales were just fine. Gees, she's so demanding. & my sight reading, I mean, I haven't done it in quite a while so I was just a little laggy and she freaking yelled at me, like chill right? Gosh. I agree my pieces were a disaster but that's because she HAD t listen t the two pieces I most suck at.

Met Hui Ping on the bus! She's my neighbour by the way. We live just about 3 feet away from each other, yet we hardly get a chance t talk. She's so Pro-SAJC. Hahah, I likey. Hmmm, anything, just anything.

& everytime I think about it
It just seems t be drifting further and further away

Things will get better, through time.
Problem is;

There is no time.

din

Sunday, September 10

Who the hell painted the moon black?
Oh, won't you, won't you come back.

Tomorrow's prelims guys!
Freaking Out has officially become an Understatement of the Year.
& I'd like t thank...

Thanks to all you guys who said some really encouraging words. Sorry if I didn't reply you guys, alot's been going on lately. But I profoundly appreciate it. Don't know what I'd do without you guys.

I love you.
Apparently, you love video games.

I wish I could be the TV Screen; that way, you couldn't take your eyes off me.
I wish I could be the controller; that way, you could hold me all day long.
I wish I could be the game itself; that way, you'd be thinking of me all the time.

I don't need video games t love you like that.
Wonder why I glance at you every chance I get?
Wonder why I look sad when we end a hug?
Wonder why every paper in my notebook has a heart with your name in it?

Cause I love you like you love video games.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Heh, wrote this about a year ago. I still think it's hilarious till this day. In a nostalgic, sweet way of course. Still makes my heart skip a beat. Okay, how cliche.

Science Prac tomorrow. Got the First Shift. Smashing.

Sorted out my entire room today. Feels so much better, cleaner, easier t get t my notes and stuff. I was done with procrastination. It isn't doing very well lately. Probably down with the flu or sthn. However, ;D.

It's a good feeling yknow. T'day was rather melancholy till just about 5.45 when Andrea calls t say she's downstairs with Andrew cause the weather was amazing. Cause it just rained and it was getting dark soon. That kinda cool weather. Yeah, it was awesome. Talked about all kinds of stuff till it got dark. It's been forever since the three of us got together. Especially after Andrew eloped. Hahah. Nahh, but something along the line.

Anyways, my angels see thee to thy rest, since I'be seriously been sleep deprived. All the very best for Prelims guys!

Especially t Bok, Tow, Foo, Chen, Chu & Guo.

Seriously, who painted t moon black?

din

Friday, September 8

2 am and she calls me cause I'm still awake.
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him, fall just wasn't my season.

2 am and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's not longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to
Cause these words are my diary

Screaming out loud.
& I know you'll use them, however you want t.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on the cable
& life's like an hourglass, glued t the table.

But my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him; maybe I'll just sing about it.

Breathe.
Just Breathe.

I've become the dancer in the dark. All my shadows erased from collision. I live in denial. I lie t myself, ALOT. That's the biggest dumbass mistake I've ever made. T me, everything's majorly masqueraded, including my dumb ol' self. I think that my ability t live day t day is because of the fact that I live the lie. It's come t a point that thinking the truth is the impossible.

But hey, I'm just an innocent girl exposed t the harmful effects that the evil world has t offer. I'm living the lie. Unfortunately, as much as we all don't want it t be, it's real. What's not real are my dreams. My unreachable goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up, I'm just being real.

SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC
SIGH.

My desire t enter first 2 months are immaculately unimmaculate. It's like, yeah, sure, it'd be better for me. But can I? Am I mentally possible? I want t be. Like so bad. Goshh, it's worrying me so much.

But I'm too young t worry.
My weakness is that I care too much.

Today'd be a year if we were still together. Well, techincally yesterday, cause it's 12.05 now. It's left me with a scar. But scars remind me that the past was real. But how could it be when it wasn't real. It wasn't intimate. It wasn't me.

He gave me the world. The emptiness of it, as t mention. Every scoundrel aspect of it. I was fooled and fooled again I stood in the dark. Blinded by every little detail. All that was conceived was the light of eternity. That I would live in despair, dismay. Shyeahh, don't we all.

He promised me; dead promises. A heart of gold; ingenuine gold. He peppered me with sweet nothings. The one's I could relate to. Unfortunately, I was having a relationship with his sweet nothings; not him.

He drew me into his trap; there,
I fell. Hard.

I have no regrets. Just scars. It beat me down that hard see. I wrote song after song. Poem after poem. But they made no sense after it all. It was like a painted a picture of nothing. Fading away. Slowly, but surely.

I don't see the point in this really. I didn't fall in love. I fell into his illusion. Like I said. I fell in love with his words. By the way his mind works, it brought brilliance t a whole new level. I'd write a documentary on it but only, no one would agree t my tacky idea. I'd write a book on it, only I'm already on one and it would be mindless t just stop half-way.

& besides, how much would it be worth in the end. Nothing. Zilch. What I'm trying t say is, I had my share. Like a child's birthday cake. Oversized and yet, fed thirty hungry kids. Sure, I miss it. But the it has become nothing. It's just a word t describe something. It describes objects.

We were an object of desperation. But 3's always a crowd.

He once asked me, 'What's love?'
I had about a gazzilion answers, of which I only answered, 'I wouldn't know, I've never been in it. But I'll be sure t let you know once I get there.'
Shyeahh, sure.

Meanless t say. I didn't fall in love..
Cause ♥?

A joke.
A prank.
A lie.
A dejavu.
A dellusion.
A crime.
A life.
A heartbreak.
A tune.
A voice.
A melody.
A distance.
A vow.
A passion.
An affection.
A namesake.
A fool.
A pattern.
An embrace.
A celebration.
A story.
A mile.
A perfection.
A vision.
A future.
A waste of time.

So today was pretty okay. Samrina stayed over again and we were supposed t wake up at like 12.30 t study but we were too tired from the night before. Sigh. Major slackers. So she's over again today so we'll be pulling an all-nighter. Really need t get down t business. Want it so bad t work for it.

Okay, so she beat me in daiti. Crap. I was winning lah. My aura- whoa, kena sai. Nehmind. We'll be spending our post O levels at Settlers. I will win then. Yakin (:

Otherwise, I made it early for tuition today. Did E math cause I figured I'd been paying too much attention t Chem. So tonight's Physics. And Emath again tomorrow. Phew.

Was supposed t go to Jihan's for English help, but as usual, I cocked up. Probably go tomorrow if I'm up t it. Sorry Jihan. Got a load of rest since I didn't go. Got t catch up on my sleep man. I'm self-deprived.

Sometimes, I dont even know why I tell you this.
Would it help you? No.
Would it liven you? No.
Cause I'm a fuss-pot.

From tomorrow onwards, which means today, I'm gonna liven up my life.
Wait for my debut.

I'm bringing sexy back ;)

But who knows what tomorrow brings, a better day perhaps.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

din

Monday, September 4

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourelves, "Who am I t be brilliant, gorgeous, talented?"
Actually, who are you not t be?

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

As we let our own light shine, we unconciously give other people permission t do the same.

Akeelah and the Bee has been pronounced by me as Movie of the Year.

For all you folks looking for a purpose and a little encouragement, go watch it. I'm sure, so sure, it'll do you some good.

din

Sunday, September 3

Realised stress might be the death of me.
It's not just just fermentation of school. Wait, everything IS about studies.
Boring shit.

My point is that nothing will ever be good enough. Not even that new top you bought which looks so shique and yet you think you'd look absolutely gorgeous in it without 5 kg weighing you out. The times when you just seek for self-identity and you're not happy with the end results. To you, nothing's good enough so how could it be t the rest of society.

It comes up t a point when you think compliments are not meant for the feint-hearted. And then you ponder over the truth when you know for a fact that all you're ever gonna get is a pack of BIG FAT lies. But you keep living day after day. & yet, you die inside.

Cause I'm bigger than what my body gives me credit for.

Figuratively, my true ambition was t be perfect. Flawless. Just like in the movies. Please people with my numerous talents, my suave moves, my beautiful curves. But that's why it's called "life" and not the play, "I need a life, desperately."

& somehow, its not for anyone else but for you.
And you alone.

But don't fret. It's going t be alright.
It always will be. As so God says.

It's a happy, happy place & i love that smile you've tried on. It works for you.

Okay, so the weekend's been rather insipid. Spent my beautiful Saturday afternoon at a lame boat ride I would have killed t get off. Yeah, it was that bad. Isn't it illegal t be dumping stuff into the ocean? Religious or otherwise? Gosh, I still don't get the significance. I really thought we needed a licence or something. Moving on..

After the jerky and almost nausiating journey, Henna and I resulted t a movie at Bugis. The Devil Wears Prada it was. It was so couture-fun-filled. Anne Hathaway looked absolutely stunning. After Nigel's wonderful make-over, of course. And it ended so nicely, almost awe-gapingly.

Oh, did i say SPOILER ALERT?
not that I gave away that much anyways.

But Chris isn't as hot as he was made t seem in the book!
But Nate's really cute. Curly-haired boyfriend. I'd kill for a guy like that.

Okay, I think the movie's gotten into me. Watch It! to see what I mean...

Met Krishin with his cousins at the movies. He looks awesome now, really does. No more chubby fat childhood friend Krish playing pranks all the time. He looks well, really good. Okay, so enough about that. Just maybe.

Henna's dad dropped me back in his new and reformed Merc. There was a screen-like thing which had buttons next to it which you could just dial and speak all the way from the back of the car. And it had CABLE TOO! Do you know how elated I am. I would kill for cable in my car. Gosh, here I go again.

But really, cool shit.

Yeah, so this morning I woke up extremely early cause I had a horrible dream. I'm not exactly obliged t share so I'll just leave it at that. Studied till 12 then watched the encore of Life As We Know It - backtback. Then went over t Andrea's house (yeah! she's back!) t watch the last episode of Rockstar Supernova which she had taped and which I missed.

& I hated every damn bit of it. How in the world did Gorgeous Ryan Star get elminated? I am NOT HAPPY. This is so not right. Storm isn't really up t standards. She should have gone. Or Dilana. Crazy Drama Lady.
So WHATEVER.

Went t Sue's house close t 5 for Chem Session. Didn't do much but what was important was that she was alright. And that she wasn't killing herself over everything that's happened. She deserves much more. Think she's had enough really. Love ya, Sue (:

Rushed home after a screeching voice over the phone. GAWWDD. My mother is just out t make my life a living piece of crap. So, OBVIOUSLY we couldn't get other stuff done which was really a bummer cause I thought I'd finish all my chem by today which would leave me with a gazillion more t harp over.

& not t mention I've been incredibly exhausted lately. It's so hard just t get out of bed. Who knew mugging could be so mind-wrecking. Wait. It always has been. But it really drains you mentally. It's way worse than being overcome with fatigue physically. WAY worse.

Just got t live up t it. Nothing could possible ruin my chances of a good tertiary education. Not even the Wicked Witch of the West. "I'll catch you, my pretty"

Shrills.

I just love your saccharine smile.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could get together.

Give me a while t sort things out.
Baby, just be right there waiting.

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.

din

Friday, September 1

So the week's been pretty laissez faire. Not t mention the amount of studying I've not done. 10 days t prelims & I'm in a stagnation of 2454982 degrees.

So maybe I've got a lot t learn
Or maybe I'm just hanging on my words

Or maybe its not a big concern
But if I raise my hand
Would I understand why I'm

Better With You
Five Times August

Wet Wednesday was pretty delirious. Can't remember what happened in school but after school Cikgu Zai treated us to Seoul Garden for our 'good results'. How ironic. Didn't want t go but she was like, 'You don't pass your malay at all then you pass your O Levels, pasti nak berraya.' Hmmm. I do love Korean (: The 3 years I spent in Korea as a little girl rocked! Albeit the NK & SK war, of course.

Teacher'sDay Thursday was pretty awesome minus the Concert which I thought was a total turn-off. During Class Party we played so mahy card games. It was hilarious! More and more people started joining us; JunHao, AnnHin, ChengYong, Colin, KangWei and myself. Soon, even Mr K joined us. Had an absolute blast. Gave Mr K one of my RockinRoyalProductions' cards. Hope he appreciates it or else staying up till 2 in the morn was an absolute waste of time.

After the Oh-So-Boring Concert, followed Jihan&Nicole to StHilda'sPrimary. They didn't meet any teachers but I met Fadil & Taufiq! Those two rascals. Hahah. Felt really good meeting them after the longest time.

Then WeiMing & Gerry call t say they were in the canteen in school so we went back. Thanks Nihan&Jicole! You guys rock! Hahah. So yeah, chatted for a bit till the rain stopped. Decided t go over to Jihan's house for a while which ended up to be till 4 in the pm! Hah.

OMG, ***** ******* is just the ultimate fun any teenager could ever have. Hah! For all who fell victim, HAHAHAH! It was just too addictive. Felt SO good. Revenge is Sweet. Heh.

Went for a move after that with the folks. Pretty alright really albeit the fact that it made me cry :'(

OH WELL. Pointless Nostalgia.

Going t meet FunBuddy Jihan later at the club. Check up with you guys again then!

Roses really smell like BOOHOOHOO.

din

Wednesday, August 30

i think about how, it might have been.
spend our days, travelling.

I've made up my mind t make up my mind. There's obviously more t life than dwelling in self-denial and scaring the shit out of people. Emo-fied. & thanks t my cousin, I think I'm at a much better state than I was just moments ago. Sometimes, the only way t pick yourself up is t be harsh. Remind yourself how idiotic you are, then BAM! you're slapped in the face with reality.

Which is an awesome feeling. Whatever happened in the past is meant t remain in the past. I want t be able t live for the day. I don't think I'm exactly 'motivated'. It's such a strong word but I'm just trying really hard t get my sums right, my equations well put, my answers with great meaning. My physics is improving, LOVES IT!

& I'm still struggling t find my love for SS. The key t great success is t love your books man. Totally. Passion makes perfect. Gots to pick up from where I left off.

Today marks the last lessons for the year. After today, I felt so alone. So detachable. Like I had nothing t hold on to. Which totally sucked cause I was all emo during SS cause of it and LeongSF lost my SS test-paper. What luck? Gosh, I'm just so petrified but I dont know why I'm still glowing with affection.

I need t make it right this time. I'm going t miss all the crazy times in class. The Back-Seat Crew with our insanely lame jokes and failed attempts t motivate each other. Laughing our butts off during Mr. K's lessons. Sweet, lollipop memories. The hilarious-ness of AnnHin. The kiam pa-ness of KangWei and the DUH-ness of JunHao. With full force, I believe we'll be able t make it.

I was just surfing the SAJC website. It's SO COOL. It's my ultimate dream school. I'll get my 13 points - 3. I'll join Debate/Rugby/Drama/Council, work my butt off with super cool people. I'll wear the nicest uniform in town. I'll be living the Singaporean Dream. I want t make it t SA so bad. It's like I've set my mind t it, I haven't even considered Poly. I don't want t enter an Engineering Course. CE would be cool but I'm just not too keen on it anymore. I want a Chemical Degree t work my way up t being a Chemist, then would I only be able t earn a place in the ForensicsDept.

OMG. I can't believe I fantasied it all in one para. This is so unreal. Imagine how I'd feel if I don't achieve it. Like a bullet through my soul.

Back t being Emo.

So Teacher's Day's gonna be quite sore really. ACES Day WO in the early morning, then comes the Concert which is missing an aura. HAHAH - those who know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's sad. Pretty darn unentertaning. Everyone literally went, 'HUH? WHYYY?' hahahah, it was hilarious, lah.

Oh well. Then I guess I'll feel it when it comes. Teachers were our only source of fun. They made our life miserable, but if not for them, we'd be screwed, honestly speaking. I really wanted t do something special for some teachers but like no time leh. Hmmm. Oh well. Guess I'll really thank them on the outlook of Next Year. Ugh, the feeling of it's horrifying.

But yeah, they've all ROCKED! Especially Mr K, Ms Yew, Mr Bakar, ETC ETC. It's all good (:

So it's The Devil Wears Prada after TDC. So glad loads of people agreed t it. This will be my last movie till after Os. Need t get my priorites straight. StudyDate with Jihan on Friday. Hardcore Studying Baby! Totally. It's got t be done.

Once again, I'd like t thank Noherr for slapping me out of my misery. & to the past, thanks for just, well..being there. I'm just glad it happened.

It's time t move on.

Vroom~

din

Saturday, August 26

I won't lie. I won't try. I wont cry.
But life's been a living hell.

Was really sick up to the point where I started throwing up my meals and I my whole attitude changed. I no longer felt the urge to watch tv or listen t music. Like %&!#*!$. Snow Patrol became a hindrance t my precious ears. The song You Could Be Happy felt like it was cut out for all the wrong reasons. Run made me want t gurge it's eyes out. I was an emotional wreck. It sucked & therefore I've come to confess.

School's really messed up right now. It's unfortunately my only happy place. People go t school for masquerades. It's all a lie. Not that anything's for real anymore. & it's amazing how every single person's blog I go to reads of their anxiety and how their whole world seems t be crashing down on them like a mellowdramatic calamity. Oh yes, all the bloody world's a stage.

Everything seems t be happening so fast. It's like life on wheels has accelerated. Prelims are in 2 weeks! & I feel like I'm not doing enough. I need t perfect my learning volume. I need to speed up. It's agitating really especially when you go t a school packed with world-class story-tellers, magicians and stuntmans.

Not only did I think my whole world was crashing down on me, my cat departed from the world on the 21st of August. That's when I felt God wasn't being fair. I mean dwell me in stress. Feed me bad health. But that wasn't very nice taking away something that I loved. She was my baby. She always was. Since the day she was born I nurtured her, I fed her. I engraved full responsibility. The connection was almost immiscible.

But now she's gone. & all I'm left with is a memory and regret. Regret of not spending enough time with her. Regret of not visiting her every time I passed by. It's all my fault. I'll never forgive myself till the day I die. I've even gone vegetarian for a whole month. I know it's absurd t do such things just for a cat. But she's God creation too. She's my Princess' creation. I moulded her.

I'll always love you.
Your dainty paws, how it pranced up and down the sill.
Your ever so soft fur, how I could feel it and imagine heaven.

You were the light of my soul.
& will always, ALWAYS be.

din

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