DINISHA
avid dancer
believes in the virtues of meticulous study
aspiring forensic pathologist
an unthought rarity
music aficionado
10 11 89
LUSTS jack johnson

Rock & Roll and faded blue jeans
And standing on the edge of everything
Seventeen

Tuesday, May 1

Look into my eyes and tell me what you see, dear.
Do you see shadows there?
Darker then they ought to appear.
Do you see the secrets I keep?
The secrets I want so badly to disappear.
Do you see all the things that I fear?
Hoping that I will never lose you.
Listen to me speak, dear.
And I will tell you things you never knew.
About you, me and us.
Let me wet my lips when I am tired of talking.
Let me stay this way forever, here in your embrace.
But look into my eyes.
And let me know what you see.
All the things about me,
good and bad. But mostly bad.
Fortune favoured or singled out to be condemned.







My shadow stretches a thousand miles.
And it envelopes everything in darkness.
But if you listen carefully,
let it whisper in your ear,
your shadow will tell you what you want to hear.
It'll tell you stories about its adventures.
All the places it's been,
all the things it's seen.
All the people it's met,
all the conversations it's shared.
And if you pry hard enough,
it'll tell you with the utmost conviction
that it really is you who is the shadow.
The mimic.
The silent observer.
You are the absence of light.
You are the darkness that is
its constant follower.
It is you who bends and stretches and twists and breaks.
It is you who takes it all away
You've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you.






Just.
Take.
Me.
Away.

din

Sunday, April 15

Under this canopy of trees.
It is just you and me, you leading, I following.
Behind, always an arm's length behind.
Your eyes flicker wearily backwards,
you know of my presence.
I am the tiger, I tell myself.
I stalk my prey with the utmost meticulousness.
The trepidations of your fingers tell me otherwise.
You are not afraid.
You are anxious for the coming pursuit.
So I brace and lock my legs,
ready for the pounce, unaware if you will allow yourself to succumb.
Or leave me grasping empty air.
You want to watch me dream somemore.
Leave this tiger wondering what you will do next.
Did you notice me too? Crouched in the foliage.
Do you covert my meat as much as I hunger for yours?
Just because gazelle's eat grass, it doesn't mean
they don't crave meat.
I want to know, the tiger tells itself.
I want to know if you want me as much as I want you.

We shall see.
The tiger licks it's lips.




She uncapps the bottle titled "Emotions" that stood on the shelve for the longest time. She'd wanted to use it right. She took her chances at times but backed off at every chance she got. She'd never wanted anyone else. She never needed anyone else.


For her Unicorn told her so.
& now euphoria places meaning in it's worth all over again.
Her knight has won her heart all over again
but this time, it felt so right.

not that it ever was wrong.






My blood throbbed and pulsed.
Beating it's beat at the back of my head.
My mouth went dry.
Like eating a fistful of sand.
My breath must have leapt in decibels,
amplified in my anxiety and fear.
It was all I could hear.
Not the pounding of feet.
Not the grunts and groans.
Not the fact that I was all alone.
My hand gripped tighter, and I bit down on my tongue.
Feeling the artificial skin stretched taut
between my finger tips,
I wiped the sweat from my brow,
and took in a final breath.
And held it.
Everything came rushing back to me.
The sounds, the smell, the blinding sun.
And the beat, beat, beating of the blood
at the back of my head.
And I will never forget the exhilaration.
When the prize left my hands.
And it jetted into the blue-white sky.
Piercing the heavens only to come down
in a rain of glory.
I awoke from day dreams with a cheer.
A hip-hip-hooray or sorts.
And I knew, at that moment,
the camaraderie was killing me.
Yet it was the only thing keeping me alive.
I rejoiced.
For something so simple,
for that short moment,
made me so complete.




My thoughts are all a mess now. I promise I'll be sane again the next time I blog.

It's because I'm happy and you know why.

din

Sunday, April 8

You looked so strong. Confident and independent; perfect in all ways which would explain why she always wanted to have you. Yet, I watched from afar, just a quick glimpse and my cardiovascular locomotive would go on churning for days. I believed that since you were perfect, adding myself to the equation would just subtract, if even just one, from that pefect hundred. To me, that was enough, seeing you presented, rounded-up, never down, that to me was beauty, in my warped sense of lyrical romanticism.

Yet, as my glimpses of you grew exceeding lacking in numeration, I began to crave the sight of your existence. You held me transfixed, in an odd sense, like a moth to a flame. Whenever I flew too close, my heart would get singed.

I know I'll never have you, that's what makes you so goddamned fascinating, because no matter how hard I flap my wings, pound my chest or type myself to death, you'll never look my way. Simply because: you are the flame.

And me? What of me?
As ever, I am the ever fateful moth.



High.
The night ends on a note of sickness and dry heaving. Acid and bile are foreign to the tongue - it brings unwelcomed explosions of sourness and surprises unsuspecting taste buds. Through the grimace, you see reassuring faces, you feel comforting hands running up and down your back and you hear the gentle lull of concerned voices. Yet, while the world was busy swimming, you were busy doing your own. Fighting against the surge of emotions, struggling upstream, against all impulses and natural instinct.

There is no reason keeping up appearances; you get sick all over the floor. You get sick all over again. There is no escape from this sinking feeling, like you're falling, deeper still and there is no out this time. But you fall through, flat on your face, slumped over the toilet and the night ends on a note of sickness and dry heaving.


But it ends well.
Apparently.




Sorry, I have run out of intelligent excuses.
I apologive, my thoughts are a jumbled haze.
Too tired to think straight, so many words meander, my sentences derelict.
Vocabulary missing, my diction, out of place.
Sooner or later the world will lose it's hold over me and I will slowly float into space.
My exhaustion overcomes gravity - when I sleep.

And so I sleep.



I got accepted into the Millennian Stage! Highlight of the week.
Otherwise, homework's been piling up to the sky & I think i'm majorly jinxed.




Remember to breathe.
Don't forget.

din

Thursday, March 29

We're in the woods, just the two of us. I have on my best sneakers, the ones with rainbow laces and the place on the back that Windsor chewed through when he was a puppy.

Her steps are bigger than mine, but it's a game-I try to jump into the hole her shoes leave behind. I'm a frog; I'm a kangaroo; I'm magic.



When I walk, it sounds like cereal getting poured for breakfast.
Crunch. "My legs hurt," I tell her.
"It's just a bit longer."
"I don't want to walk," I say, and I sit right there because if I don't move, she won't either.


She leans down and points, but the trees are like the legs of tall people I can't see around. "Do you see it yet?" she asks me.
I shake my head. Even if I could see it, I would have told her I couldn't.
She picks me up and puts me on her shoulders.

"The pond," she says. "Can you see the pond?"




From up here, I can. It is a piece of sky lying on the ground.
When Heaven breaks, who fixes it?




Schools been a bitch and I think GP is the only reason why I even turn up everyday. Gone are the days when I had a life. Or did I even?


I was reading through the Midsummer Night's Dream pamphlet and it stars REHAAN ENGINEER. How queer and amazingly funny. That sums up my randomity for the week.

Drama Auditions on the 5th at The Changing Room. All the best to whoevers auditioning! but I really really really hope I get it cause all the other CCAs couldn't be more monotonous.



I have a bigass accounting tutorial to do but all I want to do now is escape into an intriguing book.




How now, wholesome iniquity.

din

Monday, March 5

Before you met me I was a Fairy Princess
I caught frogs and called them Prince
And made myself a Queen
Before you knew me I travelled round the world
I slept in castles and fell in love
Because I was taught to dream


I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinkerbell
They were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell




I believe in fairytales and dreamers dreams like Bedsheet Sails
I believe in Peterpan and miracles
And anything I can to get by
And fireflies


Before I grew up I saw you on a cloud
I could bless myself in your name and pat you on your wings
Before I grew up I heard you whisper so loud
"Life is hard, and so is Love, child, believe in all these things"

I found mayonnaise bottles and poked holes on top
To capture Tinkerbell
They were just fireflies to the untrained eye
But I could always tell





Before you met me I was a Fairy Princess
I caught frogs and called them Prince
And made myself a Queen
Before you knew me I travelled round the world
I slept in castles and fell in love


Because I was taught to dream.

din

Sunday, March 4

The sky segmented, the dark canopy drawing bold black outlines, my eyes distinguish the segregation between heaven and earth. Sweat smudges and stings, I grimace and wince but the image is not entirely lost. I hold this revelation tightly, dearly, I am over-awed. Beneath the soles of my feet the gravel grunts and grates, restlessly tossing and turning, sliding me uneasily down my path. Uneasily I take heed, I shuffle, I increase my speed, taking me leagues from where my heart is in keep. Like the swirling of milk into coffee, I become diffused into the absolute blackness around me, slowly thinning until I am but a wisp and then I disappear.


My mind is lost first.





But my body feels the cold of night. My fingers tingle; it is pins-and-needles that prickle my skin ceaselessly. A blanket of dew settles on me, like cold silk against my skin, I think morbidly, this is my death veil. Like the gravel previously, now it is my turn to toss and turn restlessly as beings of a higher order trample on me. I am listless in my sleep.

I awake feverish, hoarse in the throat and dry in the mouth. Too much screaming.








Why I pry into such unearthly thoughts, for which I cannot comprehend myself. My mind shreiks with ample disgust. I pay it no heed. I have already drowned out all trivialities, my mind focuses on the task at hand.







Walking beneath the surface of the truth I realise what I've prevailed. My summoned thoughts extinguish the dreary, yet bold tangle. Why should there be any more need to hide?


There is no more need to take refuge in kind words and soothing tones, I feel it is best to be honest - to come clean or so to speak.

I feel so fucking alone and cold.
There is no warmth in this world, no shining beacon of hope that both illuminates and offers heat. The sun does not suffice. Nor the radiance from friendship bolster the exact same effect.



I'd like to trade this desperation for something more intense. A passionate embrace perhaps, one that causes me to tremble violently and at the same time fall into a calm so quiet, I appear seemingly ghostly.










To that consequence, I lay my heart bear, awaiting an ambush. An ambush so sweet, it tingles into my taste buds, knowing that through every second spared, I'd only want to be with you.







Sometimes, I wonder if I'm trapped in the land of eternal sorrow.
I feel stupid with a smile plastered on my face.

The curve of my lips display a fantango but only overturning with a trajectory of tears as they run down my face.


"Cry on cue!" they say through sobs and weeps.
"I promise I'll try," I say through a grin, through gritted teeth.












Schools about to start soon & my musics coming along slowly but surely. The need for my lethal existance transcends a message of melancholy. I hunger for a purpose. I will bite off the sweetness of the everlasting doughnut.



& i desire your every vision in my path. Surely, I am the same kind of idiot, and I can't help it.

din

Saturday, February 24

I've sold my soul, for a bargain,
too hastily made and not properly thought over
And now I prepare for my time in 'hell'.


There is a dearth of words, simply, because there are no words. I am lost in the stillness of inactivity much like a junky is lost in the high. There are no threats to my bubble-existence, no piercing reality, no painful quaking, there is nothing. I sleep at 2.30 in the morning and I wake up just after 1 in the afternoon. I lie in bed for about an hour, thinking, making mental poetry of the sounds that permeate my living space.

All in an earshot; I hear the splash and the thud of rain under the inevitable principle of gravity; everything falls. I hear the movement of mechanical motors, turning turbines in metal monstrosities, commuters commuting under the inevitable principle of commerce and trade; everything must prove its worth. And if I squeeze my eyes tight enough, concentrate all mental power on hearing (instead of seeing or smelling or feeling) I can almost hear atoms collide. The crazy spinning and crashing atoms, they waltz, they tango, clumsily and haphazardly, but at least even they haven't forgotten how to move to the music. The Brownian Motion; the beat is rhythmic, the beat is constant, it never changes because it is chaos.





How do I prove that my life isn't a waste? That the energies expended by my mothers and fathers have not all been for nothing. Although I believe that I am merely the product of a cold night and warm bodies, there must still be purpose for my existence. Perhaps a leather worker, a weaver, a carpenter, a poet, a painter or maybe a lover.


Yet this philosophy, this belief in my conduct, this quest for recognition and purpose just leaves me in the dark of my thoughts. The chambers resonate with the laughter I've forgotten to laugh, the halls are filled with the kinds of people I could never be or be with; the heart yearns. I want to forget the pains, I don't want to be mature, I want to go back to being that girl who never stopped smiling. I want to be that girl again, I want to smile again.






Time cannot be undone. Like a fire that consumes, time turns everything into dust and ash. So that little girl is gone, scattered in the winds, blown to distant shores.

It's a rite of passage, to show that you've grown up, reached a tier of maturity that allows you to pursue any public endeavour single-handedly. Perhaps tomorrow or the day after, when my quest is accomplished, I would have experienced the epiphany that comes with such a task.





Wish me luck, for I take my departure into the void of the unknown!

din

Saturday, January 13

You Call This a Castle?

Cracked cement ramparts,
a less than mighty bastion,
swamp cooler overflow,
drool down the battlement.
Behind the stoackade walls,
faceless generals barked
orders to their private troops,
drilled their little soldiers.

Welcome to my castle.

You call this a castle?
Heat throbbing off the
parking lot convinced me
to chance crumbling stairs.
And there, step four, flight two,
I bumped into my Black Knight.
Okay, maybe more like grey.
I'll compromise with silver.




Clapton's in Singapore today! & it sucks so bad that I'm not going for it. ULGH. Instead, I'm off to some gig today with the guys. Double ULGH. I dreamt about the concert, well my rendition of it and damn, it was everything I'd imagined it to be. OWELL.

Yknow, I can't bloody wait for school to start. Being school-less pretty much bores the living crap out of you and believe it or not, it's been tough getting a J-O-B. I interned at my aunt's lawfirm a couple of days ago. Pretty fun really. Met a great big bunch of lawyers and lawyer apprentices. I mostly filed paperwork and made appointment calls which was pretty interesting. Though I'm so not into law and a desk-job would bore me to bits. Hope to go back next week as ironic as it seems.

Otherwise, it's been me and my music on cold, dreary afternoons where the sun seems to have lost it's purpose and I've been on a mind-wonder to whether there's a damn hole in the sky. The piano needs re-tuning YET AGAIN. I want a baby grand. Sulks*





I haven't really made resolutions for 'o7. One being I never stick to them and two being, I couldn't be a bit bothered. But I'll sum a toast, here goes:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.


It's kinda appropriate for graduation but graduating in Singapore could suck every bit of enthusiasm out of me. And I'm sure you couldn't agree more.









you'll never know me.

& missing you, is, already,
the understatement of the year.
(my sweet love thing)

din

Wednesday, January 3

Woes,
friend of misanthrophy.
All thoughts concerning you
have turned pernicious in nature.


So Saddam's dead and school never sucked so bad. Went to MI today in regard to 'give it a day' and well, I did and I just can't seem to place any bit of my heart in that school. & it takes two bloody hours to reach campus, really, I'd rather die. So yeah, I signed for release so I guess it's back to looking for a job for me then. Beats school anyday.




Sue's leaving for Melbourne in 2 days. I still can't fathom the fact that she's leaving and it hasn't really sunk in yet. The advantage of her always being there for me is gonna dissipate so soon and I'm sure as hell not ready for it. I don't know, I just hate seeing people I love go. Somehow, it makes me weak and causes my bones to shiver.







Why do we fight?
Because the alternative is unacceptable.
Because failure is unacceptable.
Because there is nothing else to
live for if we are screw-ups and fuck-ups.
And poor boys will never live the dreams
of grandeur,
like the ones that I entertain at night,
after I cry,
I chuckle myself to sleep.
It's ludicrous.
Ridiculous.
Incredulous.
To even think, that I could be someone,
of magnitude and bearing.




0% = No Chance In Hell.

din

Sunday, December 24

Merry Christmas!

Have a sparkle of unicorn dust this christmas.

Know I'll always love you.

Every single one of you (:

din

Wednesday, December 6

Pride-swollen chest,
an awful belief of embellished self-worth.
Courage-juice fills my veins.
And I imagine signals that were
never exchanged.
A smile,
becomes eternal.
And I imagine you want me.


;Virtuosity entralled, in your existance.





She hit the play button only to expect a melody so sweet, oh so sweet.
Heaven forbid she ends up alone.
'Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, it'd be all right.' he says to her.
And he dechiphers her every move, wanting to hold her in his arms.
His huge arms that'd fit so perfectly into her embrace.

She felt it as she forgave the urgency.
His scent swarmed into her, killing her softly.
She loved it, she thought to herself.


And at that moment, she made a promise beneath her lashes.
'I won't belong to another, not ever. Not ever.'


But just like how fairytales end, without judgement nor scandal
He lifted her into his arms (oh those arms, she thought).
She smiles, and really; thats all he ever wanted.







But really, a smile is just a smile.
I have to keep telling myself that.
So that I don't overstep my place.
And remain convinced that the whole world shuns this face.
So I stay honest,
and bide my hour.
For I know, rushed love
always ends sour.


Last weekend was lovely.
Great Company.
Great Music.
Great Ambiance.



& I have decided to only get my hair washed by a male. Gees, those lady shampoo ladies need to cut those 10-inch nails of theirs.





You fall away from your past.








Hell really is living without you.

din

Wednesday, November 29

The air that billows and breathes,
the water that gurgles and sighs with relief,
the land that sits and waits.

I need to know the earth.

I need to witness it's unending beauty.
To hold in the grasp of my hand,
the shivering stalks of freshly plucked flowers.
To breathe through my nostrils,
the frigid cold air of high reaching mountains.
To drink with my lips,
the running waters of meandering rivers.
And to thread upon the ground, with knees worn and tired.
To witness the landscape change beneath my feet.

If you know the earth, you would know freedom.








You will notice that, they build you up, just to tear you down.


It's been pretty much book oogling and dreaded piano lessons these days. Boy, i need a job. I want a job but I've decided to let stupid JapanExchange past before I apply for any. Nic's just got a job at Warehouse (Marina). She was like, ' next time if u go to topshop and other uk shops, when u see the price tag, rmb to tuck it back in the clothes!' HAHAHAHAH. Hilarious. She apparently has to tuck them in for the customers every single time. So yeah, keep that in mind the next time you go shopping guys (:





It is beautiful poetry,
only if there is someone
reading it.

I realised this. And a lot of other things too.


It is a wonderful feast,
only if there is someone
to eat it.

Same premise. Same promise.

The entitlement to happiness. Is it mine?
Will I always be shunned and over looked?

I know God didn't grace me with the
perfection that comes so easily to others.
And I know I ought to try so much harder
instead of using flowery words all the time.
But I have never been a lady of action either.
A lot of times, I have ideas, that never materialize.
Or hopes, or aspirations, or visions of sorts.
But they never come to pass.

This grandeur that I delude myself with,
it is just me thinking out loud.






Heaven is a sorority.
And all the angels are jocks and frat boys.
And God likes to see me suffer.









The stranger told her to take his hand.
And it made a believer out of her.
This young, smooth skinned stranger
held a promise in his eyes.
And it glistened the way only stars could
on a badly lit night.
His voice trailed in her ears,
and his cologne lingered on in her nostrils.
She said, "this is what love must feel like".
The cold steel met her throat in a flash of brilliance.
It caught her unaware, mid-way in her stride to keep up.
And blood splurted everywhere, her hands clasped around her neck
trying to stem the flow.
But she felt her hands going numb,
she felt her eyelids close
and that last breath of desperate gasping
made her choke even more.
And in her mind, his face was burnt;
an after image of perfection.
Smiling, lips stretched taut against pure white teeth.
Hair slightly aloft with a passing breeze.
And his hands, so smooth, so white, so romantic.
The hands that parted her skin with a kitchen knife.
But so romatic none-the-less.
He had caught her unaware, halfway up a curb.
He had caught her,
and it was fair.







I wish I was the one
who lingers on; in your mind.
I wish I was the one
who made your knees weak
and electricity darts through you
when our fingertips meet.

din

Thursday, November 23

Life is about finding the anwers to the questions you ask yourself and then questioning the answers you've been given.
Life is about contradictions, that we may find love in hatred and hatred in love. That we may hurt those around us and yet get hurt by those we keep close to us.
Life is about limitations, that we may reach the limits and stay within reasonable bounds, or surpass the limitations that we are bound by.
Life is about making connections and connections lost.
Life is about living,
Carpe fucking Diem.
Carpe Diem.
Carpe
Diem.

din

Wednesday, November 22

"'Tis true, a fool, unprecedented to have walked the courts of Kings and Queens. That ever he may be nigh, often is heard the most rambunctious merriment. Gift or curse, ne'r deny him the sound of your laughter."




As I draw you close, your warmth envelopes me. And it
makes me feverish as we dive in between the sheets.
"You make me feel so complete", I say.
As the wheezing fan throws your hair all over the place,
I stifle a yawn as I stare into your face.
I force myself to stay awake, as long as you're in my embrace.
But I drift off to sleep, because I've never felt this safe.

As I draw you close, closer still, I wish I could sing to you.
I'll tell you of tales you'd never believe.
Of the mysteries of the universe and of
perilous escapes and treacherous betrayals.
And I'll end it off, with the greatest romance;
Romeo and Juliet.
Oh how I wish I could sing so sweetly.



As I draw you close, I mention all the things you mean to me.


Just a dream I had days ago. Meant to put it down on paper but I didn't have the time. Oh who am I kidding? I have loads of time, all the freaking time in the world. HAHAHAH.




So the Os are over.
Yet, life goes on.

& trees still grow the way they do.




'PIMP MY TREE' by Dinisha Thadani

The glazed leaves shimmer monotonously
Life 'in da hood' apparently, wasn't that easy.

'I'd climb mountains' said the branch to the lily
'But hell, I'm stuck in this pimped up tree'.



HAHAHAHAH. Okay, that was horrible, but I guess since this is my blog, you guys should have a taste of my randomity. Here's me when my mind's bloggeled.





Moving to LJ soon, hopefully. Then we can all kiss this overrated blogskin goodbye (:

din

Sunday, November 19

Who reads the signs, I put on my lawn?
Although it reads, 'Keep Off The Grass'
I really mean, 'Welcome'
Welcome to my life, so that you may judge me,
hate me, confuse me for someone else,
think of me as a friend, hold me in high regard,
like me, borrow my books, steal my spare change,
ask me the time, hold my hand.



Shoot me the next time I promise you guys I'll be blogging more often, cause it ain't gonna happen. I've been a bum now that alls left is PhysicsChem MCQ which starts in about forteen hours. Heh, we all know why the hell I even bother to count, don't we.

So the school's drama production, good hakka girls grow up to be good nurses, played on Friday night. Wasn't all that bad, maybe a gazzilion times worst than anything I've ever seen in my life, but we've got to give it up to the amateurs who if I may say, rocked the little, minute stage located on the 3rd floor of the Tampines Regional Library. Whooptidoo. But it was fun, i guess. Got to spend my quiet Friday with all of my goons (:




Lunched at the British Club today with Mum. It's good to celebrate the feminin side of our family, which I for one, sometimes ignore. Being a guy is somehow more, Rock&Roll, if you know what I mean. But nonetheless, the food was great and my Mum's amazing. & I'm glad I didn't turn out a boy.






It's cold, it's unfeeling, this steel carapace we call our hearts.
Exacting with precise accuracy the measured beats per minute.
One after the other, one to a hundred, hundred to infinite.
It never asks for a rest, it just ceases when it ceases,
From fatigue, from stress, from over-exertion, from abuse.
When the gears stop churning or go all out of sync,
that's when you know you've run out of seconds,
minutes and hours.





I'm really looking forward to the weeks ahead. I wouldn't say I deserve the break, but it sure feels like I need it. My brain needs to delve into more unimportant and materialistic elements in life. HAHAHAH. But hey, the word of truth never hurt anyone now did it?





Every word uttered.
Every finger pointed.
Every furtive glance.
Every face in a crowd.
Every broken promise.
Every awkward gift.
Every hushed whisper.
Every held breath.
Every second that passes
widens the gap
between past and present.
Between were, was and is
only serves to drive you further
away.











I wonder where you are.
I wonder if you're reading this.
I wonder how you've been.
And it's stupid to think,
that everytime I post an entry,
I'm trying to reach you in some insignificant way.
That every poem I write,
every line deplored,
is all a desperate,
juvenile,
ploy on my part
to impress you.
But I guess it's not working
because you neither hear nor care.

din

Friday, November 17

My life truly is a comedy.
Yet I don't seem to be able to come
out of it laughing.

din

Monday, November 13

If someone says he just looked at danger in the face and laughed..
he most probably just drank milk way past the expiry date.
For me, i just attempted my O Levels.


Yet, it sure as hell never meant to rip my freaking guts out as it begged for an undivided attention, it lured me into a clear daze. It conjured me into isolation, serenity. It filled me up with statements, numbers, rules, methods. I was about to explode from within. Only, that would make a mess. And we all know how I don't work well with mess. Yeah, it never meant to, one bit.



How do you do it?
Every single time I hear your voice
it makes me weak in the knees
I fall 10 feet from reality
in search of your face.
How is it that you make me feel so much
when all you'll ever be to me
is blatantly unbecoming.

If you ask me if I remember what it feels like to be around you, if you ask me if I remember the veiled pretenses.
The latency for love, the latency lost. And refound.
Do I still want you, dear love, I can't make up my mind.
I'm afraid I've forgotten how.
How does it begin? I know too well how it ends.
Have I gotten over the past grievances? Mostly, but not without difficulty.
Am I ready to start this rolling,
downhill from my unceremoniously high perch.
To end this self declared state of isolated loneliness.
To end up a scattered wreck of stolen hugs and kisses.
I think it's best just to keep on making up romances.
Keep these feelings at bay, keep these monsters away.
From the gates, from the porticulls, from my trenches.
The dark, dark recesses, where I hid and I said I wasn't ready.
Said I was still fragile.
I laid my back bare for the world to stare,
and open wounds with viscious words and empty promises.
They cut too deep. I might have made euphemistic stakes
of my state.
Am I going to fall?
Or am I going to fall in love?


Frivolness
is not taking yourself too seriously.
& levity,
isn't a sin after all.





Believe me.
It dosen't get any better than this.
It could, but then again
I'm habitual of drowning it
into self-denial.
I won't let you in,
yes it'll break me into millions.
I guess it'd take someone else
to kiss these
seventeen-and-never-been-kissed
lips.



November Nova

Happy Birthday Reuben (:
My Rock&Roll buddy.

Live and Let Die huh? Hahahah.
Have an awesome seventeenth.


Boy, this treacherous wait is hell.
No.
Hell is (living without you).



This sparks off my Monday. I'll be blogging more often now since the blasted exams are almost over.
I'll see you soon, bitches!

din

Tuesday, October 31

Hell-O Halloween.


The world is imploding
while I explode from within
I cannot gather the words fast enough
to form any kind of coherent sentence

So I should contend with
only disjointed fragments.



As they reverberate, ricochet,
rocket and reel.

"Miss", "Frightened", "Doomed" and "Failure"
In my jaundiced state,
these are the only words I offer.


& stopping myself from saying anything remotely, pathetically peevish.



The MotherTounge O Levels were yesterday. Boy, oh boy do I totally suck in that language. I guess Paper 1 was was fairly pleasant, no complaints. Paper 2 was horrible. So horrible, I think I doomed myself into the next century. & what is it about malay comprehensions and family-abandonment or something. Like DUDE, you've got issues man.


I read your words
& my head is dizzy now.
"Me? Me? Me?"
I ask myself.


"No. No. No."
I reply myself.
My pessimism gets the better
of me. Now that hope is lost.
Sutures do little to stem
the flow of outpouring lamentation now.
Because...I am too much of a coward.




Dear Folks,
I thrive on randomity.
Hell, it makes me smile.


Pace with me, if you must.




Went running at 2 am last night. I just needed the adrinalin. Ran through Siglap Link, which was amazingly quiet. It was a teeny bit scary, cause of the dark shadows. Admist the making-out couples and the scary toumb that never fails to freak me out, there was an overwhelming peace.
It was quite nice, the symmetry albeit a blurred, twisted image.

I had a moment of peace, but then I ran back home thinking of my comfy bed that awaits me oh so dear.

in the secret, in the quiet place.



Running is cool, endorphins and the other jazz that makes a bio student's day.
So I ran away.
Figuratively, literally.



So it's apparently Halloween today. How I remember running through the streets of Ocean Park back in the day, with catwoman costumes and candle-lit lanterns prancing about with Snow White and Robin Hood by my side because I needed them. I was afraid of the dark.
"Trick or Treat!" we'd say. And goodies. Oh, the goodies inflammed a lighted splint in me that lasted over a minute till I remembered Joey. The kid from across the block. Wheel-chair bound, watching us from his window, sharing our joy, but I couldn't quite ignore the pity.
I remember the painstakingly decorated houses, scary, yet sublime. It was like a parade. I love parades. I love Halloween. Not now. Just back in the day.


Mum brought home the yearly decorated Pumpkin. This year's themed, "Cheeky". Don't ask why. Sculpting's not my thing. But it looked quite good. The kids around the neighbourhood rang in one by one. I got so tired of rushing out to give them their treats that I resorted to doing my art-work near the doorway. Desperate Times, people.


Why's it always Treat and never Trick. HMMMM? - immiscible greedy fo0ls.
HAHAH.


and the telephone wires
that carry the sound
stretch across the sky
and under the ground.





Have I mentioned how much I detest art. Yeah, after tomorrow, I'm FREE FROM ART BABYYY! Hell, does that make me glee with anticipation (: Paper's at 2. Sushi with the girls/girl after that. I Cannot Wait.



The further I withdraw, the more I realise the distance between me and freedom. I will never be happy. I will just bottle up my hurt and wish that the world will just hurry and die from a haemorrhage and leave me the fuck alone.
Where the fault lies in me and I lie in denial's bed, I will slumber and never wake. Choosing only dreams where I am flaw-free and innocent. And not the nightmares where I am Hyde. The purveyor of all that is pure. The yeast that turns fresh cream pungent and sour.





I am my own pestilence.
I am my own executioner.
I am my own demon.
I am my own, to call my own.

When will I learn to let the little things go?




Fuck you potentially crippling angsty posts!

Dinisha = biggest moron ever to walk the face of the earth.
Trust me, it's true. I should know better than you.
There is no other, more imbelcilic than me.



One thing.
I miss you.
Oh, you couldn't even begin to imagine.
And everytime your name
just so happens to come up in a conversation,
I think of you. And it leaves me sedate
for the rest of the week.
No, I'm exaggerating.
Forgive me.

read into this if you want
although nothing good will come out of it
and remind yourself
that it isn't you I'm talking about.
Because it's probably not.


I'm off to delve in the sweet crumblings of Art, in hope of an awesomely becomming grade. Wish me well. I love you all, every single one of you. Fail not to remember that.




Compound my fears, now.
I dare you.
Do it.

"I'll eat you all, my pretties." said the Pumpkin.

din

Monday, October 23

you're a jewel to sparkle around my neck
a fragrance in the morning;
i cannot forget.

Let me believe, just for one second.



So Diwali was a real kick in the head. Night before was pretty interesting. Reacquainted with my JustinTimberlake. HAHAH. Yes, he really looks like him, only shorter. Otherwise, the entertainment sucked big time & i think i've made up my mind never to get drunk. Hell, never.

Diwali Day could have been better. Office prayers in the morning followed by me contracting Food Poisoning - GodKnowsHow. Ruined my entire afternoon although even that beat studying. Ended up only visiting two houses before going off to Katong. Was bland. As I said, could have been better. Met Shanti & Natasha after 3648595048363948598765 years. Miss you like hell honeypots.


Crowded as hell but at least Sam and I had our own fun. Goodness knows what I'd do without that girl. Ditched KangWei's birthday bbq cause the other 2 BSR's couldn't make it. And honestly, volleyballers = no fun at all. But yeah, here's some birthday loving to the three birthday boys on Thursday, 19th of October.

Happy 18th Birthday Joel Heng!
Happy 17th Birthday Kishen!
Happy 16th Birthday Guo KangWei!

HoHoHo.



Off to Grandma's after that. More of AC/DC, the Beatles and GNR. Diwali's no fun without these sessions (: Totally healed my upset stomach.

Yesterday was pretty good. Studied in the day followed by ChickenRice with Jayant inclusive of Moronic Humour and Nonsense. HAHAH. Funny. Then home to study somemore till Dinner at SRC.


I think I just saw the most adorable human baby of all time.


Kiran is a DOLL.



she was a ballerina in the subway train


oh yeah.





I think LB turns me on.

SWEET (:




Practical on Thursday was horrible.
That sums up my blog entry.

GoodDayFolks.




'i wont let them in on your unicorn fetish'

din

Thursday, October 19

I question the repetition of monotonous rants.
I question more than anything, the absence of substance.


...and you ask of the condition of my love?
...of it's face value.

we have much to learn.
we've learnt too much.




here's to a better tomorrow

din

Saturday, October 14

Smile, like you mean it.

It's been nice. AnnHin, KangWei, JunHao, K.

i tell everyone, i smile because...

din

Tuesday, October 3

Sometimes its hard to see
Things you want in life;

come and go so easily.


Horrid results.
shyeah, like I've ever truthfully loved my grades.
SIIGGHHH.

This is gonna suck but Dinisha Thadani has, at this point in time, become fully aware of her disability in entering SAJC for first three months. WhoopieDoo.

BUTBUTBUT, Thanks to everyone who made me realise that there's indeed more to life. Especially to Jihan Bok JieHan (whoops), Nicole Tow JunMei, Foo SueAnn & Chen AnnHin.

I detest Guo KangWei, people like that should be banned from society.
Smart people make me regurgitate.

And also to every other person who showed me some sweet lovin' ;D


Class felt awesome. My BackSeatHomies (HAHAHAH) made me roll on the floor laughing. Ahhh, gonna miss them so damn much. So cheers to you guys, ChenAnnHin, GuoKangWei & ChuJunHao - we'll make it through the rain guys (:


So back to the part where I crumble in self-denial and eat my heart out.

First heartbreak was Physics - to frickin hell with it. Kills me, ballz. Though I was pleased with PhyPrac albeit the fact that majority managed to score as well as me. Rawr. Then came GLORIOUS English. I was dumbfounded at the sight of my english marks for Composition. Wooohooo boy. Maybe my passion's not all that faded away. Or so it goes...



Then came fucktard Malay, which I passed but whattheheck. A C6 is no better than what I got. Then came even more pathetic Math Paper 1 marks, which even gave MrNg the huh?why?s.



I'm not it. You cannot judge me by that piece of paper.
Hell, you shall not.

M-O-N-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E
Sing it.




Met SueAnn impromptly at Parkway after Piano.
FOOOOOOO, don't leave me ):

We had fun, LOADS.
Albeit her numerous attempts tp crack jokes.
We're officially known as the KOO&KA of this generation.
don't be afraid to folly.

And we pronounced PRINT to be our omgomgomgomgomgilovethisshop (:
HAHAHAH.
There's PRINT in Parkway bytheway.


That makes a VERY HAPPY KOO&KA.


Got NOTHING of her to-buy-list but a hair straightener and writable CDs.
Caught a cab back at nine-ishhh, taking the world's most outrageous pictures with OMG SueAnn's New Phone, which I am totally in LOVE with. I wouldn't let it off my hands for even a second! HAHAH.


& I'm gonna miss you so damn much
even polaroids won't shake it like you do.
LOL.


I miss watching telly. The only programme I'm entitled to watch is PRISON BREAK. But I'm so in the mood to stare at the telly all day long on the ComfyCouchh. Those Were The Days.



he took the last train out of my heart.






It's getting late & I think I miss somebody.

din

Sunday, October 1

111th post.
Boy, it's getting good.


show me your garden that's bursting into life
& i just smile.



People change, all the damn time.
I don't think there's anything in life which isn't a choice.


Except birth, parentage, race.




a long time ago, people may have said gender and hair colour
but we all know that's not the case now is it?

everything in life is a result of a choice you've made.

everything.


So FSA, i really hope you've made the right choice.
But I'll respect every darn choice you'll ever made, y hear?

((:

hmmmmm.



i'll really miss class.

it's ironic how everyone detests class till the very minute when the bell rings
and now that it's over,

we want more.



haven't been blogging. not because I've been studying
don't be fo0led.


Met Yen the day Prelims ended
finito, zilch, khalas, over.
went to watch 'john tucker must die'

not a very intelligent movie, blatantly
but I had fun nonetheless
i mean who in the world could resist Jesse Metcalfe
PUREeyecandy.


Saw Shaza from HaigGirls. Gosh, it's been ages since we saw each other. heh. but yeah, she's really busy now with school and stuff. Or wait, does going out with not one but 2! ex-boyfriends count? HAHAH. she's insane. Love ya, Shaz (:



My January friend, i'm wanting you again.


Went swimming with Andy on Friday
at 12 am.
Call Me Crazy.

But it was good fun.


So yesterday was plain bullocks. I was down with a acceleratingly high fever all day. Started burning up at like three in the morning and fatigue took control so I had no strength to tell the folks, or even t dial their room number. Sighh.

Then somewhat near midday, I burnt out in cold sweat, which is NOT the most awesome feeling ever. Seriously, I thought I was going to die. & i told mum how I haven't even told the people around me how much I appreciate them and tell my friends how much I love them.

Dinisha, don't be so melodramatic. You're JUST having a fever.
was the reply.



but of course.




& like as if that wasn't enough torture, I visited the bathroom about 60,000 times cause I had diarrhea. Ohhh, the misery.


I was kinda unhappy cause today was scheduled for Blood Donation and so I can't go due to the 5 million panadols I was compelled to consume. Grrr.
I was looking forward to it. Ohwell. Everything happens for a reason don't it?



my stomach is in knots over you



Knowing what I know is inconsequential to the knowing of what most men know, and no matter how much you know, there's nothing like no knowing. You know?



Tick, Tock goes the clock.
& I'm still waiting.



Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger

I could disengage.



I want to gym so bad. Excercise is all that keeps me busy. Cause when I die a little, I know, there's a hope, out of NOWHERE.


He lied, I sighed.



it kills me not to hear your voice.





Oh dear friend, I know not our future or if our fates will ever cross.
To never fathom my future.

din

Friday, September 22

Wake me up when September ends.

Prison Break premiered yesterday at ten on Channel 5. It's been zonkers since the last time I heard about it. But it was worth the wait, totally. Awesome Shit. And OOH, it felt so mighty good to glare straight into my beloved black box. Oh, how I've missed you so.



he's too good to be true.
AHH, i could spend all day gazing into his sparkling crystal blue eyes.




So the series is basically about how Micheal (Wentworth-my future child's name) goes about getting his brother out of jail. So Micheal robs a bank on purpose so that he would be thrown into jail; thus, getting his brother out.

Yup, DO WATCH. It's the next best thing to Life As We Know It. Btw, where the hell did that wander off to? Like it vanished in TellyWorld - Ohh, it'd be like I died and went to heaven. Ohwell, wherever you are, do come back.



& i think of you
my verbo transitivo

yet, I ponder, like ponderers do.



Physics Preliminary Exams today at 10.45.
I cried during the paper.
Shhhh, you're not supposed to know.
& it broke my heart to know that I may not get into first three months.

My Dreams - squashed right before my very own eyes, like a pile of bugs thrown into a punding feild.


Geog was peaceful. Skipped the whole of Map Reading. Like who the hell gives a rats ass about where & why a damn kelong or even a longkang is situated. Gees.



Math Paper 2 was a fucktard. Couldn't handle it and thats why I worry over my disability in a way I've never done before.
But I'm too young to judge,

and all the men and women merely players.


Live your story; Faith, Hope & Glory.



Was playing the piano when Andy called to say she was all EMO. Hahahah, that girl's hilarious. & I was playing Can't Smile Without You. How appropriate. Heh.

My mission's failing miserably. Owell.
I'm veg for 9 days straight. & I'm going to stick to it.

Rain or Shine, I'll do it. Watch me RAWR.



i miss the old days. like the one last year, and the year before that, and the year before, before that. YEAH, you get the picture. I miss my adolesence & I hate the fact that it's all fading away.
Right
Before
My
Eyes.


Nad, if your're reading this; I MISS YOU ):

To Tow, Bok & Foo: YOU GUYS ROCK!




I haven't read a book in FOREVER, and I miss doing so. Someone, Anyone, recommend me a darling book to read. Hell, it's been so surreal. BOOKSBOOKSBOOKS make me happy (:

I'm due for a good, intelligent conversation. Where'd all the good people go?



& I'm glad for friend's like Anny.
it's good conversing with her of all the dramatic realms of life and the fullofthemselves, HAHAH.


owell.
i've got a scorching hot date with Art.




BOO! cause you can't scare me.

din

Wednesday, September 20

The body is a mere vessel, it can undergo change, pleasure, pain, scars, etc.


But the soul is immortal.

'Thus, a person never really dies, but is united with God, and one would be foolish in mourning and missing those who are dead for they are with Me.'



Love,
G.O.D.

din

my hair's a frock.

snip snip goes the scissory
help me outta my misery

Steady as he goes..



the official prelims began today
gosh, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just put them away?


-feeling rhymmy. God knows why.


SS was so full of shit. I detest it out to the very souls of this earth. If I became ruler of all the universe, the first thing I'd do is BAN SOCIAL STUDIES.
Shyeeah, like that'll ever happen.

so pek chek.


Have I ever mentioned that the Creativy Hall is SO not the place to sit for exams. It was so frickydicky cold (major understatement) freezing (that's better), I was shiverring in my seat. Goodness Gracious.

the black box waits for me
calmly, yet luring.
i need it, i want it.
COULD I?

Pretty Pleaseeeeee.


Temptation. SIGH.
Chem after Stupid, Sighing, unSignificant SS.
I would want to say it was managable, only, I don't wanna jinx myself.

Yet I yearn for that A



SO BAD.


If this keeps me away much longer
I don't know what I would do
I've got to understand it's a hard life
That I'm going through

& when the night falls in around me
I don't think I'll make it through
Use your light to guide our way



cause all I think about is you.




Tell me. Before it's Too.Late.
You know how it is

Drop me into my puddle of enchantment
SetMeFree.

I'm on a mission.
Help me, dear Lord.

Solemnly, I ask of you.



Geography followed by E Math Paper 2 tomorrow.
OHH, the pain.

din

Monday, September 18

And So It Goes...

Prelims have been postponed to Wednesday. Good grief. I know shit about SS as well as Chem. Yeah, you heard right, CHEM! Trying to work every ounce of energy I have left for this.

It's a difficult time, but I believe, in all faith, that we will get through this together. Hang in there Nicole. We're behind you in every step you take (: Love you, till death do us part.

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like I must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start

Things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that I think too hard

& I don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so damn curious, to know
There are too many unanswered questions
That we hold on to

I've put my theories to the test
You know I've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold

Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things I'm looking for
Well, I've learnt to let go

Give in to love
& listen to my soul

Portraits of your loved ones
Are more than what you see
All the elements, they've captured
Are more to you than me

A different dimension we've cared to define
There's a forest to go through with thorns and vines
There is no reason to try

like you, like you.

Sometimes, chocolate makes the pain go away
Makes you appreciate everything on earth.

Makes you believe.

So, I've got to give in to love;
& listen to my soul.

Don't take too long to say ''I love you'' to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away.

Maybe I'm not taking this well,
maybe I'm taking it fabuolously

either or, I'll die not knowing.




The say, life's unfair.

But why didn't they mention death wasn't all that different?


the clock goes 'tick tock'
&



we're still waiting..

Ferverently Finding Faith













What's the point of starring into the eyes of uncertainty,
if only to spend a minute to dream.

Where malice is a form of justice never truly reigning,
neither truly failing.

What's the use of having a dream,
if only to never fictionate the words of my song.


That's when I realised that the rose indeed has no thorns.




Momento Mori; Remember that we will have to die.


Carpe Diem

Sieze the Day; enjoy the present
As opposed to placingall hope in the future.

I'm heartwrenched.

And So The Story Goes...





You;
You left. That's it. Over. & I might not see you again. Or maybe, if I don't turn out to be an indescribable heartless wreck, I might. But you took a little piece of my heart with you. Keep it safe.
A Very Corrupt;
Me.



It started out as a story;
it turned real.







Just. Like. That.

din

Sunday, September 17

Pranced upon a song called, I Miss You by And Then I Turned Seven on shuffle.

Today came with shattered dreams
Everythings not what it seems
Don't think death won't come get you
Cause it will,
Life's misconstrune

Though my battle's just begun
I'm dropping arms and going to run
I can't wait to see the day
These painful tears all go away.

I'm broken inside.

I died a little today;
but nothing compared to his family's grief.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod & your staff, they comfort me.
PSALM 23:4

Au Revoir, Samuel.
I'll be sure to see you again.

din

Saturday, September 16

It's extremely hard to fathom Samuel's passing. Who had ever thought such a tragic tragedy would occur. My relationship with Samuel was that of an acquaintance. We had one or two conversations and I had heard of him back in Sec 2 from Nicole who spoke nothing but good words of him.

Samuel really was a good guy. So gentlemanly. With intelligence exuding through his soul, he made things seem so easy going. He will be greatly missed though he has inspired us all. I'm sorry for the death of Samuel Tan who passed on. So suddenly. Dreadfully. Heartachingly.

School on friday was a disaster. Everything became so austere once the news had been out in the open. Guess people around me shared grief, confusion and dismay. Some even stressed?

There's this thing within me that assures me that he's in a much brighter, more beautiful place and that we should be happy for him. I am happy for him now that he's in heaven and I rejoice to that. But I grieve for the Family. His Mother looked totally broken inside at the Wake yesterday. How could any mother live day to day with the absence of her son?

Poor Aunt Maurine. I would never be able to understand what she's going through. The pain, the agony, the heartbreak. It just leaves me with a bunch of questions that I know everyone has. Why now? What now? Etc. Etc.

He's so young, just too young. I'd raise the dead if I could. If only I could. Sounds absurd, but I would. Anyone with such a power would. We all would. Who knew what a tiny insect could do to someone. The hardest thing is to handle it all. The situation, the way we feel. But we have to stay strong. We have to believe in everything that lives on.

Now's the most important time in our lives where we reach out to the Lord, with arms wide open. I totally agree to what Aunt Belle said about his passing. Why take away such a good guy? It is in the name of the Lord that Samuel was the chosen one. Yet, his legacy lives on in all our hearts.

The hardest thing at the point in time is to console. It don't mean anything once reality has attacked in full force. The reality of death. The impact. You'd go to school and just assume someone would be there forever. We'd never really thought about it at all.

& there's nothing we can do cause for a fact, life goes on.

But I still want to know why.

And now that the prelims are on, it's ever harder. But Samuel wouldn't want us to do badly, he'd want the best of us. He'd want us to do well for him.

Samuel Tan lives within our hearts & we will never forget all the great things he has acomplished and how many lives he has impacted.

Rest In Peace, Sam.
We all love you.

din

Thursday, September 14

Let me stand next t your fire
Let me stand next t your fire

I have only one itch and desire

Let me stand next t your fire.

I feel like playing daiti right now. It's just so sian nowadays. Turns out, there is no first 3 months, according t Massari/Magni - Mr K's new names. Hahah.

Also, turns out that we have t come back t school t take our results in SCHOOL UNIFORM. LIKE WTF! Ong Kim Soon is so vexing. It'd be 3 whole months since we wore the damn bubble skirt and shirt. So bete noire.

Art before Malay Paper 2. Didn't do much, It's blatant I'm gonna have t chiong man. Malay was a bore. I didn't have the strength t attempt the paper. Was just compelled t fatigue. I completely lost all the willpower during the paper and slept through most of it. Sigh.

SS after that with LeongSF. She made it pretty clear t me that I've got language by my side but I'm just not answering the question.

Just got DEVASTATING news.

Just one thing.

Seize the moment. Cause tomorrow, you might be dead.

RIP.

din

Wednesday, September 13

Malay Paper 1 was confrontable.
Art before & after. I'm officially exhausted.

There you go again, leaving me hanging.

Go eat crap, cheebs.

din

Tuesday, September 12

English was bleah.
I can so kiss first 3 months, or 2 months rather, goodbye.

SIGH.

I didn't have enough time for Paper 1 mostly because that bitch Koh made us stop writing at 9.45 when the board said 9.47. 2 minutes is alot in times of desparation.

Who's going t save me from myself?

My mother is getting on my nerves again. Ugh, all I need is t prove t her that I can be the daughter she always wanted me t be. Which is just so hard it makes me want t cry. Yeah, it's that sad.

I'm anticipating every second of my future. It's gonna be a bang. It has to. If it dosen't, God knows what I'd do. I guess I push myself t hard. But if I don't, then who will? My folks have become broken records, sorry t say, it's just that way.

So I'm fasting starting from now till just before the Os. I'm off all luxurious foods till then as well, so I actually just eat before 5 am and then again after 8. Yup, with Prayer as well of course.

I've got t design my ball outfit like by this week. Well, by friday. It's supposed t be indian cause it's for Diwali. So I thought of going Black Rock&Roll Churidar. Hahahah, sounds like loads of fun but I've really got t start getting my ideas into place. Hope it turns out well. Feel free t send me pictures so I may be inspired, thanks.

She's going t change the world

England, you bloody fool.
I believe you're speaking our language.

din

Monday, September 11

You're a rhapsody, a comedy.
You're a symphony and a play.
You're every love story ever written.

Didn't wanna wake up today. Fatigue just overpowered my will t get t the bus stop early. So, as usual I reached the bus stop close t 6.40 and the bus hardly came till 6.50. %$#&^ So Murphy's Law lah. I'm not asking for instantaneous service, just cooperation. Gees.

So obviously, I was late in meeting Jihan at the bench. If I gave her a dollar every time I came late, I would be bankrupt by now.Oh Jihan, don't even think about it. Hahah. Nonetheless, we reached school a little before the second bell and assembled at the D&T block.

Science Prac soon after. I have now proclaimed myself as the most stupid person in the entire universe. I mean how could I forsee that Iron is oxidised and therefore is a Reducing Agent. Any dumbass knows that. I just answered of which was oxidised and stated the damn reason. I just hope Bakar decides t be an angel and gives me a mark for it. SIGH.

Otherwise, Physics was pretty easy. Got the Refraction of light experiment, which happens t be my favourite of all experiments ;) But I'm just so sore about my Chem. I really want that A1. Anything, ANYTHING t pull my damn Physics up.

Well, just hope all goes well. We were quarantined for approximately 4 hours in the AVA Theatre. 100 bodies cramped up into a mere space of 2(dining hall). Oh whatev. Made it out there alive. 10-ed home soon after cause I just needed t rest for a bit. Ended up sleeping from 3 to 6. Then rushed for Piano.

She wore devil t'day. Seemed agitated for no apparent reason. I thought my scales were just fine. Gees, she's so demanding. & my sight reading, I mean, I haven't done it in quite a while so I was just a little laggy and she freaking yelled at me, like chill right? Gosh. I agree my pieces were a disaster but that's because she HAD t listen t the two pieces I most suck at.

Met Hui Ping on the bus! She's my neighbour by the way. We live just about 3 feet away from each other, yet we hardly get a chance t talk. She's so Pro-SAJC. Hahah, I likey. Hmmm, anything, just anything.

& everytime I think about it
It just seems t be drifting further and further away

Things will get better, through time.
Problem is;

There is no time.

din

Sunday, September 10

Who the hell painted the moon black?
Oh, won't you, won't you come back.

Tomorrow's prelims guys!
Freaking Out has officially become an Understatement of the Year.
& I'd like t thank...

Thanks to all you guys who said some really encouraging words. Sorry if I didn't reply you guys, alot's been going on lately. But I profoundly appreciate it. Don't know what I'd do without you guys.

I love you.
Apparently, you love video games.

I wish I could be the TV Screen; that way, you couldn't take your eyes off me.
I wish I could be the controller; that way, you could hold me all day long.
I wish I could be the game itself; that way, you'd be thinking of me all the time.

I don't need video games t love you like that.
Wonder why I glance at you every chance I get?
Wonder why I look sad when we end a hug?
Wonder why every paper in my notebook has a heart with your name in it?

Cause I love you like you love video games.

Yeah, I'm jealous.

Heh, wrote this about a year ago. I still think it's hilarious till this day. In a nostalgic, sweet way of course. Still makes my heart skip a beat. Okay, how cliche.

Science Prac tomorrow. Got the First Shift. Smashing.

Sorted out my entire room today. Feels so much better, cleaner, easier t get t my notes and stuff. I was done with procrastination. It isn't doing very well lately. Probably down with the flu or sthn. However, ;D.

It's a good feeling yknow. T'day was rather melancholy till just about 5.45 when Andrea calls t say she's downstairs with Andrew cause the weather was amazing. Cause it just rained and it was getting dark soon. That kinda cool weather. Yeah, it was awesome. Talked about all kinds of stuff till it got dark. It's been forever since the three of us got together. Especially after Andrew eloped. Hahah. Nahh, but something along the line.

Anyways, my angels see thee to thy rest, since I'be seriously been sleep deprived. All the very best for Prelims guys!

Especially t Bok, Tow, Foo, Chen, Chu & Guo.

Seriously, who painted t moon black?

din

Friday, September 8

2 am and she calls me cause I'm still awake.
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him, fall just wasn't my season.

2 am and I'm still awake writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's not longer inside of me,
threatening the life it belongs to
Cause these words are my diary

Screaming out loud.
& I know you'll use them, however you want t.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on the cable
& life's like an hourglass, glued t the table.

But my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles.
Wanna hold him; maybe I'll just sing about it.

Breathe.
Just Breathe.

I've become the dancer in the dark. All my shadows erased from collision. I live in denial. I lie t myself, ALOT. That's the biggest dumbass mistake I've ever made. T me, everything's majorly masqueraded, including my dumb ol' self. I think that my ability t live day t day is because of the fact that I live the lie. It's come t a point that thinking the truth is the impossible.

But hey, I'm just an innocent girl exposed t the harmful effects that the evil world has t offer. I'm living the lie. Unfortunately, as much as we all don't want it t be, it's real. What's not real are my dreams. My unreachable goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up, I'm just being real.

SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA SA AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC AC
SIGH.

My desire t enter first 2 months are immaculately unimmaculate. It's like, yeah, sure, it'd be better for me. But can I? Am I mentally possible? I want t be. Like so bad. Goshh, it's worrying me so much.

But I'm too young t worry.
My weakness is that I care too much.

Today'd be a year if we were still together. Well, techincally yesterday, cause it's 12.05 now. It's left me with a scar. But scars remind me that the past was real. But how could it be when it wasn't real. It wasn't intimate. It wasn't me.

He gave me the world. The emptiness of it, as t mention. Every scoundrel aspect of it. I was fooled and fooled again I stood in the dark. Blinded by every little detail. All that was conceived was the light of eternity. That I would live in despair, dismay. Shyeahh, don't we all.

He promised me; dead promises. A heart of gold; ingenuine gold. He peppered me with sweet nothings. The one's I could relate to. Unfortunately, I was having a relationship with his sweet nothings; not him.

He drew me into his trap; there,
I fell. Hard.

I have no regrets. Just scars. It beat me down that hard see. I wrote song after song. Poem after poem. But they made no sense after it all. It was like a painted a picture of nothing. Fading away. Slowly, but surely.

I don't see the point in this really. I didn't fall in love. I fell into his illusion. Like I said. I fell in love with his words. By the way his mind works, it brought brilliance t a whole new level. I'd write a documentary on it but only, no one would agree t my tacky idea. I'd write a book on it, only I'm already on one and it would be mindless t just stop half-way.

& besides, how much would it be worth in the end. Nothing. Zilch. What I'm trying t say is, I had my share. Like a child's birthday cake. Oversized and yet, fed thirty hungry kids. Sure, I miss it. But the it has become nothing. It's just a word t describe something. It describes objects.

We were an object of desperation. But 3's always a crowd.

He once asked me, 'What's love?'
I had about a gazzilion answers, of which I only answered, 'I wouldn't know, I've never been in it. But I'll be sure t let you know once I get there.'
Shyeahh, sure.

Meanless t say. I didn't fall in love..
Cause ♥?

A joke.
A prank.
A lie.
A dejavu.
A dellusion.
A crime.
A life.
A heartbreak.
A tune.
A voice.
A melody.
A distance.
A vow.
A passion.
An affection.
A namesake.
A fool.
A pattern.
An embrace.
A celebration.
A story.
A mile.
A perfection.
A vision.
A future.
A waste of time.

So today was pretty okay. Samrina stayed over again and we were supposed t wake up at like 12.30 t study but we were too tired from the night before. Sigh. Major slackers. So she's over again today so we'll be pulling an all-nighter. Really need t get down t business. Want it so bad t work for it.

Okay, so she beat me in daiti. Crap. I was winning lah. My aura- whoa, kena sai. Nehmind. We'll be spending our post O levels at Settlers. I will win then. Yakin (:

Otherwise, I made it early for tuition today. Did E math cause I figured I'd been paying too much attention t Chem. So tonight's Physics. And Emath again tomorrow. Phew.

Was supposed t go to Jihan's for English help, but as usual, I cocked up. Probably go tomorrow if I'm up t it. Sorry Jihan. Got a load of rest since I didn't go. Got t catch up on my sleep man. I'm self-deprived.

Sometimes, I dont even know why I tell you this.
Would it help you? No.
Would it liven you? No.
Cause I'm a fuss-pot.

From tomorrow onwards, which means today, I'm gonna liven up my life.
Wait for my debut.

I'm bringing sexy back ;)

But who knows what tomorrow brings, a better day perhaps.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

din

Monday, September 4

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourelves, "Who am I t be brilliant, gorgeous, talented?"
Actually, who are you not t be?

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

As we let our own light shine, we unconciously give other people permission t do the same.

Akeelah and the Bee has been pronounced by me as Movie of the Year.

For all you folks looking for a purpose and a little encouragement, go watch it. I'm sure, so sure, it'll do you some good.

din

Sunday, September 3

Realised stress might be the death of me.
It's not just just fermentation of school. Wait, everything IS about studies.
Boring shit.

My point is that nothing will ever be good enough. Not even that new top you bought which looks so shique and yet you think you'd look absolutely gorgeous in it without 5 kg weighing you out. The times when you just seek for self-identity and you're not happy with the end results. To you, nothing's good enough so how could it be t the rest of society.

It comes up t a point when you think compliments are not meant for the feint-hearted. And then you ponder over the truth when you know for a fact that all you're ever gonna get is a pack of BIG FAT lies. But you keep living day after day. & yet, you die inside.

Cause I'm bigger than what my body gives me credit for.

Figuratively, my true ambition was t be perfect. Flawless. Just like in the movies. Please people with my numerous talents, my suave moves, my beautiful curves. But that's why it's called "life" and not the play, "I need a life, desperately."

& somehow, its not for anyone else but for you.
And you alone.

But don't fret. It's going t be alright.
It always will be. As so God says.

It's a happy, happy place & i love that smile you've tried on. It works for you.

Okay, so the weekend's been rather insipid. Spent my beautiful Saturday afternoon at a lame boat ride I would have killed t get off. Yeah, it was that bad. Isn't it illegal t be dumping stuff into the ocean? Religious or otherwise? Gosh, I still don't get the significance. I really thought we needed a licence or something. Moving on..

After the jerky and almost nausiating journey, Henna and I resulted t a movie at Bugis. The Devil Wears Prada it was. It was so couture-fun-filled. Anne Hathaway looked absolutely stunning. After Nigel's wonderful make-over, of course. And it ended so nicely, almost awe-gapingly.

Oh, did i say SPOILER ALERT?
not that I gave away that much anyways.

But Chris isn't as hot as he was made t seem in the book!
But Nate's really cute. Curly-haired boyfriend. I'd kill for a guy like that.

Okay, I think the movie's gotten into me. Watch It! to see what I mean...

Met Krishin with his cousins at the movies. He looks awesome now, really does. No more chubby fat childhood friend Krish playing pranks all the time. He looks well, really good. Okay, so enough about that. Just maybe.

Henna's dad dropped me back in his new and reformed Merc. There was a screen-like thing which had buttons next to it which you could just dial and speak all the way from the back of the car. And it had CABLE TOO! Do you know how elated I am. I would kill for cable in my car. Gosh, here I go again.

But really, cool shit.

Yeah, so this morning I woke up extremely early cause I had a horrible dream. I'm not exactly obliged t share so I'll just leave it at that. Studied till 12 then watched the encore of Life As We Know It - backtback. Then went over t Andrea's house (yeah! she's back!) t watch the last episode of Rockstar Supernova which she had taped and which I missed.

& I hated every damn bit of it. How in the world did Gorgeous Ryan Star get elminated? I am NOT HAPPY. This is so not right. Storm isn't really up t standards. She should have gone. Or Dilana. Crazy Drama Lady.
So WHATEVER.

Went t Sue's house close t 5 for Chem Session. Didn't do much but what was important was that she was alright. And that she wasn't killing herself over everything that's happened. She deserves much more. Think she's had enough really. Love ya, Sue (:

Rushed home after a screeching voice over the phone. GAWWDD. My mother is just out t make my life a living piece of crap. So, OBVIOUSLY we couldn't get other stuff done which was really a bummer cause I thought I'd finish all my chem by today which would leave me with a gazillion more t harp over.

& not t mention I've been incredibly exhausted lately. It's so hard just t get out of bed. Who knew mugging could be so mind-wrecking. Wait. It always has been. But it really drains you mentally. It's way worse than being overcome with fatigue physically. WAY worse.

Just got t live up t it. Nothing could possible ruin my chances of a good tertiary education. Not even the Wicked Witch of the West. "I'll catch you, my pretty"

Shrills.

I just love your saccharine smile.
Wouldn't it be nice if we could get together.

Give me a while t sort things out.
Baby, just be right there waiting.

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down.

din

Friday, September 1

So the week's been pretty laissez faire. Not t mention the amount of studying I've not done. 10 days t prelims & I'm in a stagnation of 2454982 degrees.

So maybe I've got a lot t learn
Or maybe I'm just hanging on my words

Or maybe its not a big concern
But if I raise my hand
Would I understand why I'm

Better With You
Five Times August

Wet Wednesday was pretty delirious. Can't remember what happened in school but after school Cikgu Zai treated us to Seoul Garden for our 'good results'. How ironic. Didn't want t go but she was like, 'You don't pass your malay at all then you pass your O Levels, pasti nak berraya.' Hmmm. I do love Korean (: The 3 years I spent in Korea as a little girl rocked! Albeit the NK & SK war, of course.

Teacher'sDay Thursday was pretty awesome minus the Concert which I thought was a total turn-off. During Class Party we played so mahy card games. It was hilarious! More and more people started joining us; JunHao, AnnHin, ChengYong, Colin, KangWei and myself. Soon, even Mr K joined us. Had an absolute blast. Gave Mr K one of my RockinRoyalProductions' cards. Hope he appreciates it or else staying up till 2 in the morn was an absolute waste of time.

After the Oh-So-Boring Concert, followed Jihan&Nicole to StHilda'sPrimary. They didn't meet any teachers but I met Fadil & Taufiq! Those two rascals. Hahah. Felt really good meeting them after the longest time.

Then WeiMing & Gerry call t say they were in the canteen in school so we went back. Thanks Nihan&Jicole! You guys rock! Hahah. So yeah, chatted for a bit till the rain stopped. Decided t go over to Jihan's house for a while which ended up to be till 4 in the pm! Hah.

OMG, ***** ******* is just the ultimate fun any teenager could ever have. Hah! For all who fell victim, HAHAHAH! It was just too addictive. Felt SO good. Revenge is Sweet. Heh.

Went for a move after that with the folks. Pretty alright really albeit the fact that it made me cry :'(

OH WELL. Pointless Nostalgia.

Going t meet FunBuddy Jihan later at the club. Check up with you guys again then!

Roses really smell like BOOHOOHOO.

din

Wednesday, August 30

i think about how, it might have been.
spend our days, travelling.

I've made up my mind t make up my mind. There's obviously more t life than dwelling in self-denial and scaring the shit out of people. Emo-fied. & thanks t my cousin, I think I'm at a much better state than I was just moments ago. Sometimes, the only way t pick yourself up is t be harsh. Remind yourself how idiotic you are, then BAM! you're slapped in the face with reality.

Which is an awesome feeling. Whatever happened in the past is meant t remain in the past. I want t be able t live for the day. I don't think I'm exactly 'motivated'. It's such a strong word but I'm just trying really hard t get my sums right, my equations well put, my answers with great meaning. My physics is improving, LOVES IT!

& I'm still struggling t find my love for SS. The key t great success is t love your books man. Totally. Passion makes perfect. Gots to pick up from where I left off.

Today marks the last lessons for the year. After today, I felt so alone. So detachable. Like I had nothing t hold on to. Which totally sucked cause I was all emo during SS cause of it and LeongSF lost my SS test-paper. What luck? Gosh, I'm just so petrified but I dont know why I'm still glowing with affection.

I need t make it right this time. I'm going t miss all the crazy times in class. The Back-Seat Crew with our insanely lame jokes and failed attempts t motivate each other. Laughing our butts off during Mr. K's lessons. Sweet, lollipop memories. The hilarious-ness of AnnHin. The kiam pa-ness of KangWei and the DUH-ness of JunHao. With full force, I believe we'll be able t make it.

I was just surfing the SAJC website. It's SO COOL. It's my ultimate dream school. I'll get my 13 points - 3. I'll join Debate/Rugby/Drama/Council, work my butt off with super cool people. I'll wear the nicest uniform in town. I'll be living the Singaporean Dream. I want t make it t SA so bad. It's like I've set my mind t it, I haven't even considered Poly. I don't want t enter an Engineering Course. CE would be cool but I'm just not too keen on it anymore. I want a Chemical Degree t work my way up t being a Chemist, then would I only be able t earn a place in the ForensicsDept.

OMG. I can't believe I fantasied it all in one para. This is so unreal. Imagine how I'd feel if I don't achieve it. Like a bullet through my soul.

Back t being Emo.

So Teacher's Day's gonna be quite sore really. ACES Day WO in the early morning, then comes the Concert which is missing an aura. HAHAH - those who know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's sad. Pretty darn unentertaning. Everyone literally went, 'HUH? WHYYY?' hahahah, it was hilarious, lah.

Oh well. Then I guess I'll feel it when it comes. Teachers were our only source of fun. They made our life miserable, but if not for them, we'd be screwed, honestly speaking. I really wanted t do something special for some teachers but like no time leh. Hmmm. Oh well. Guess I'll really thank them on the outlook of Next Year. Ugh, the feeling of it's horrifying.

But yeah, they've all ROCKED! Especially Mr K, Ms Yew, Mr Bakar, ETC ETC. It's all good (:

So it's The Devil Wears Prada after TDC. So glad loads of people agreed t it. This will be my last movie till after Os. Need t get my priorites straight. StudyDate with Jihan on Friday. Hardcore Studying Baby! Totally. It's got t be done.

Once again, I'd like t thank Noherr for slapping me out of my misery. & to the past, thanks for just, well..being there. I'm just glad it happened.

It's time t move on.

Vroom~

din

Saturday, August 26

I won't lie. I won't try. I wont cry.
But life's been a living hell.

Was really sick up to the point where I started throwing up my meals and I my whole attitude changed. I no longer felt the urge to watch tv or listen t music. Like %&!#*!$. Snow Patrol became a hindrance t my precious ears. The song You Could Be Happy felt like it was cut out for all the wrong reasons. Run made me want t gurge it's eyes out. I was an emotional wreck. It sucked & therefore I've come to confess.

School's really messed up right now. It's unfortunately my only happy place. People go t school for masquerades. It's all a lie. Not that anything's for real anymore. & it's amazing how every single person's blog I go to reads of their anxiety and how their whole world seems t be crashing down on them like a mellowdramatic calamity. Oh yes, all the bloody world's a stage.

Everything seems t be happening so fast. It's like life on wheels has accelerated. Prelims are in 2 weeks! & I feel like I'm not doing enough. I need t perfect my learning volume. I need to speed up. It's agitating really especially when you go t a school packed with world-class story-tellers, magicians and stuntmans.

Not only did I think my whole world was crashing down on me, my cat departed from the world on the 21st of August. That's when I felt God wasn't being fair. I mean dwell me in stress. Feed me bad health. But that wasn't very nice taking away something that I loved. She was my baby. She always was. Since the day she was born I nurtured her, I fed her. I engraved full responsibility. The connection was almost immiscible.

But now she's gone. & all I'm left with is a memory and regret. Regret of not spending enough time with her. Regret of not visiting her every time I passed by. It's all my fault. I'll never forgive myself till the day I die. I've even gone vegetarian for a whole month. I know it's absurd t do such things just for a cat. But she's God creation too. She's my Princess' creation. I moulded her.

I'll always love you.
Your dainty paws, how it pranced up and down the sill.
Your ever so soft fur, how I could feel it and imagine heaven.

You were the light of my soul.
& will always, ALWAYS be.

din

'What" will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

din

Friday, August 18

& i feel so much depends on the weather.
so is it raining in your bedroom?

The weeks been pretty much a bore. School's a bitch, really. It's hard t keep the vibe going especially when you've got a healing wound the size of a ginco nut! It's sickly. I'm sickly. I just need my foot t go back to what it was so that I can carry on with my life. Wart-less (:

O Level English Oral on thursday. I would say it went pretty alright although I realised there was loads more i could have said but of course at the moment, a gienormous cloud of anticipation decides t rain over you. But nonetheless, the examiners were really nice. Made them laugh a little and it was more of talking t a friend than an examiner. It's all good.

I guess life's fair. It slaps you in the face with all its negativity until you just ask yourself, what the hell you're doing here. But there's ALWAYS a good side t everything. And it's up t you t decide on whether or not you choose to dig extra hard for the pot of gold. Cause its there alright. & it's just about worth looking for.

Along side with all the horendous stuff, there's beauty. It's pretty obvious. Life's a living hell. But hell's got it's privilages. For all we know, God may be opening up franchises all over hell. So, free yourself from hopelessness, it'll do you good.

cause i've been locked up in your heart-shaped-box for weeks

Yknow, I'm just glad I have people around me who see me for who I am and not what I seem t be. It's been pretty tough at school lately. My little breakdown on tuesday wasn't because of my foot. It was because I thought nobody cared. I thought I had no body t depend on. Nobody t talk t. But as I said, people are misunderstood & i'm not the only one in need here. I doubted Ann Hin cause I thought she was pissed or sthn. Truth is, I was the bitch. I misinterpreted my own lousy self.

& that's why i bleed just t know i'm alive.

I thrive on making my statements. Making people happy. Most of all, I thrive on absurdity.

Wagged school tday mainly cause I was down with major temperature issues around midnight partly because of my damn operation but I'd choose t believe I'm ill on fatigue. It's like I'm trying so hard to believe in myself, but to no avail.

Prelims are in a few weeks. T be honest, I haven't really gotten down to business. It's just scraps. Like when did all the motivation decide to holiday at Bali. Hello! I'm here. With arms wide open.

I'm petrified. Sometimes, I feel that tuition's taken it's toll on me. I know I'm being an oversized brat imported from Timbuktoo, but I just feel she doesn't care. I know I'm not exactly genius or anything, but I am trying.

So tulan.

So Rockstar Supernova was good again on wednesday. Vegas Baby. Woohooo! Haahah. Zayra's out! My wish came true, at last. She can't sing to save her life.

It was a shocker t see Magni at the bottom three, like WHATT? Just like it was for S'pore Idol. Mathilda, Jon Leong & Hady- bottom three. HOWW? Back to RS. Magni's Creep was awesome. Shrills down my spine. Just the right level of intensity. LOVED IT.

Ryan's In The Air Tonight was DA DOMB! The best performance of the whole night. I would say. Dave Nevarro was so messed up lah. First he said Toby was the best. Then he said Ryan was the best. Then he said Dilana was the best. Like make up your damn mind. Ryan's just awesome. I love that guy. The intensity in his expression is just mesmerising. It's almost like he enthralls you into what he wants you t see. It's beautiful.

& I guess Dilana's got what it takes to front Supernova. Girl Power bodoh. Hahah. But her sound can get a little boring. Well, it's all up to Gilby & gang.

OHH. Toby's Hot.
LOVES HIM ( or his ass ;) )

Hahah. Gots t get backs to my works.
Later, my pretties.

din

Monday, August 14

You know that feeling, that no matter what you do or where you go, you just don't fit in.

Cause that's how I feel all the time.

Life Stinks. My sucky Mother Tongue results have got something to do with it. As well as my newly removed corn which HURTS LIKE HELL. I'm going to be missing about a day or two of school, which I'm not exactly estatic about. I've a goddamned hole in my foot, i'm in SO much pain, it's not even funny.

It's not like God hasn't 'blessed' me with enough accident prone-ness that He just had to add in a natural grown corn which I just can't bear slapping! Impossible? Don't say I didn't warn you.

Yknow, I've been telling myself all this while to live my dreams. In order to do that, you have to believe in your dream. But you can't believe in a dream until you believe in yourself. & that's exactly what I'm going to do. As soon as all the pain has deviated away from my damn foot, then only can I concentrate on my life. Call me self-centred, but this is what the Singapore Education has done to all of us. Hell Yeah.

Oh Well, since I'm in SO MUCH PAIN, I'll leave you guys with a little som somthn.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequete.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

din

Thursday, August 10

Shame's dead. It's been so long, nobody even sends flowers anymore.

It's appalling, really. Why doesn't anyone feel it anymore? Is the world THAT thick-skinned. Is it just me or has global warming finally kicked in expanding everyone's heads to a size 453. It's ludicrous.

Reality is, the day everyone shows some respect, realises modesty is the best policy, doesn't talk out of a bull's butt, is the one Paris Hilton joins a nunnery.

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

enjoy the silence

So Rockstar Supernova y'day was KILLER! Awesome awesome performances by all the contestants. Every single one of them (except Jill, of course) did an amazing job. Especially Lucas with his rendition of Radiohead's Creep. Unforgettable. It's got me on replay on my iPod.

Magni's delivery of The Dolphin's Cry was dope! LOVES IT. Thought he really brought it. Did an awesome job with both Acoustic and otherwise. The Iceman Freezes Over ;) & that's why I totally agreed with the Encore Pick for both of them.

Dilana got to rock with Gilby Clarke. Woohoooo! That was some head-banging extravaganza. Amazing rock-outs. Patrice did a good job but I don't think she's exactly Rockstar quality. Like although Storm did a pretty laid-back song, the thing is, she still has it in her bones. She connects with the audience like they're a part of her. & same goes with Ryan Star. Ahhh, I've got the hots for him ;) His depiction of R.E.M.'s Losing My Religion was DA BOMB!

Really though Zayra would at leat be in the bottom three. But NOOO. Wtf's wrong with the voters? How can they possibly be attracted to her croaking and her weird superhero inspired outfits. And WTF was with the 10 inch high platforms. That was disgusting. Supernova must be dying for the day she gets into the bottom three so they can kiss her sorry ass goodbye.

So tonight's elimination was incredible. Josh & Jill got kicked off the competition. I thought Jill totally deserved it. Josh has great vocals! How could they have dropped him! Maybe they were just budgeting for the trip to Las Vegas. Oh Bugger.

Nonetheless, as T. Lee says, can I get a HELL YEAH!

Come and get your share
But we all SHINE ON
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
COME ON AND ON AND ON

alright ;)

Spent the morning at tuition clarifying doubts and such. There's loads I need to buck up on. BUCK UP. Hahah. The phrase's kinda funny really. ANYWAYS. I need to understand everything and get everything in my damn head. Starting with the Cation & Anion table which I conveniently forgot as soon as the June Hols started.

If I'm not wrong, the Malay O level results are out tomorrow & to be honest, I'm shit scared out of my bones. May God and the rest of the world be with me.

I will be thankful for the outcome, no matter what.

din

Wednesday, August 9

It's staggering how someone you've accepted as a friend albeit the fact people still warn you of their intentions. It's stunning how they can stab knives into your friend's back. To proclaim they've got the whole package is just retarded. Puuhhhllleeeaaasseeee, if you've got the whole package then if I may ask, where the hell is you're damn character. You ARE shallow. As shallow as a toddler pool. God, you gotta get over yourself. Do YOURSELF some good.

And to that certain someone, you know who you are. I love her more than she'll ever know. To most people, she's an angel. So to hell with what you say cause SHE'S GOT THE WHOLE PACKAGE. She's got the heart of a saint. A mind of a wiseman. A soul of goodwill. She'll never look down on you. She'll never forsake you. She'll hide her feelings only to realise she can't take it anymore. She's the kind worth keeping. She's the kind you'd wanna take home and place in your poly pocket mansion for safe-keeping. She's the kind you'd never want to lose. She'll be your pillar. She'll never let you fall.

She an extrovert. The type you'd just die for. She'll make you cry just describing her cause you know for a fact that she's indescribable. She's beyond description. Beyond words. She's more beautiful than any other that I'll ever know. She's a doll.

& I love her just the way she is and no one can ever think otherwise.

To hell with you, get over your damn perfect self then realise how come you haven't got as many true friends as anyone else does. I bet even Hitler had a dozen more than you do. May he Rest In Peace.

How many special people change
How many lives we live are strange

Someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky.

So Mum's finally coming back on Thursday Night. National Day Celebs at school were shit. Hell No am I going to elaborate.

Today was pretty alright. Woke up real early for no rhyme or reason. Seven-thirty in the morning on a holiday is an Unthought Rarity. Hah. But I realised I got more things done than ever. Felt great.

Rakhi-cum-lunch at Aunt Rajni's place. Went pretty well. It's been quite a while since we've been reaquainted with our unimaginably hectic lives. So it was tying of Rakhis then Appitizers then a little performance then chit-chatting and catching up. Then came lunch. Then played soccer at the foyer. I scored 5 goals. Whoohooo! Hahah. Then was kiddy-time. Played for them random songs on the guitar. Mind you, I can't play it for nuts. So you could've imagined the state I was in. Hahah. Debuted my Lalalala Song and Blank.

Pretty exhausted now. Skipped dinner at my Grandma's place. Was having a gienormous head-ache. Guess I better get some work done before the holiday get's over then I'd brood over the fact that I'm a pathetic, un-productive imbecile.

Look in my eyes, what do you see
The Cult of Personality.

din

Saturday, August 5

Maybe I don't really want to know how your garden grows. I think I've got a lot to live. Maybe it's what you put in it that matters. How is it that I can imagine a world with you and yet deep down in myself, I'm struggling to find my status. Forcing myself out of my caliber.

If only we had
Just a minute longer

How is it that love blinds all flaws. Crusades for it never fails to overpower me. Its funny how I see you & yet you"re so far away. Not only literally but socially, emotionally. All that's in me is seeing how you fit so perfectly in my jigsaw. How the lines shapes through itself like magic. How the picture screams love, companionship, friendship, charity, humanity, struggle, overempowerment, rescue, life, symapthy, charisma, war, courage, knowledge, travel, beauty, happiness, faults, forgiveness, charm, endeavour, support, honour, respect, injustice, opinion, space, journey, sacrifice, teamwork, 2 peas in a pot, bright red kisses, shudders of contact, ester lovin, long-distance calls, backpacking around the globe, reaching into space, filtering under the sea, a plethora of books, a grand house of establishment, a palace of sacrecy, a cheesy love story, a romance, a comedy, a mystery, a chick flick, an Oprah nominated novel, a history, a present and a future.

It's difficult not to download the image in my mind. The imcompetence of the structure. The unpredictability of it's meaning. The vision I can only fantasise. You're the stranger in my mind. It all boils down to what makes me more special than anyone else. Why in the world would you want to pick me out of a corn pot. It's outrageous. I want to be the rose in your hibiscus garden. Your World Trade Centre out of all the other buildings. Your shooting star on a night when the stars line up like little soldiers.

I know i've said too much
I haven't said enough

Every whisper
Ever waking hour
I'm choosing my confessions

Consider this
Consider this a hint of a century

School on Friday was aggrivating. I want Ms Yew back for Geog Period. Aaron & Nicole are in this huge conflict. It's utterly disturbing. It leave me & Jihan going neutral which I think is only fair. And it's not like we've done any wrong. So Nic & Aaron, just get over it. It'll do us all good. Believe me. I feel so great having genuine friendships. My rivals have transformed into my friends. It's all good.

& btw, they faught over a chair. A CHAIR. This is what I call gina. Kids, please get over yourselves.

Math Mock was shit. I flunked it for the first time. Man, I suck. & it was last years prelim paper. It dampened my spirits. It wasn't even O level standard. It was WAY worst. Jihan & I ended up playing Paper Bingo & Join The Dots. Walked back to the bustop with Ann Hin soon after.

Study Date at airport macs with Sam & Ann Hin. Jun & Kang Wei went for F.O.P i think. Which reminds me, going for F.O.P with Jihan & Amanda t'day. It'll be my first time. Really looking forward to it. Scraped Study Date with Jihan cause something came up on her side.

This year's NationalDay dosen't scream patiotism. The blocks in front of me have only a maximum of 8-9 flags hung over their balconies. & ND is next week! We can't even come in Red & White mufties for school on Tuesday. It's Red Polo or Tee with School Skirt. Oh bugger.

Fun fair's gonna be shit. The only good thing about the concert is Jun's band performance. Other than that wo yao sui ziao.

I badly need to qian fei.
Gyming next week, hopefully.

Don't you want it
I've never seen anyone who want's it this bad

You said games were much more fun
I'd rather play than get things done

But look where we are now.

din

Thursday, August 3

As a friend once told me, "Never let the flame of your passion go out against the thunderstorm of the world"

Hell Yeah.

It's all about stalking your goals. Ensuing your dreams. Living for real. Disdain the ones who'd try their best at dismantling your hopes. Screw them. It's your turn to shine.

I've been ruined by the oh so Superficial World. It's time I piece back my portrait. It's alright if I'll still be able to see the lines. It'll acquaint my mishaps so that I shall never again go anywhere near them. At least this time, I'll be able to rekindle my priorities in full force. Everyone darnwell deserves a second chance. Why should I be any different.

Anyways, what's life if you can't live it? I don't want to make my life seem like a tragedy. Like I've just been possessed into believing that death is the solution to all doubts. HAH! Cause I thought wrong.

Schools been tolerable for the past few days. Haven't voted for any of the Prom Titles. I don't really intend to. I'd love to, but genuinely, I'm not into the whole Prom Spirit. All that's been on my mind are my Prelims & my Os. Guess that'll give me 4 whole days to get a dress, get accessories and shoes. Oh boy, isn't that going to be marv.

Home feels rather empty without the folks around. It's weird. I mean Dad travels a whole lot but wiht Mum gone, it's like I've lost a force. I know its temporary & I spend half the time of my life complaining of how unfair & unreasonable she may be. But yeah, it just feels different. It's good though. Just not that good.

Had a Chem test during tuition today. More like a joke. I hadn't studied for it you see, so I just kept giving random answers. The height of my random-ness is unquestionable. There was this question on the blast furnace. So it went;

What are the three reactants that is to be placed into the blast furnace?

The Principal, The teachers as well as the entire Ministry of Education.

I couldn't even explain myself. I guess I was just too uptight about the darn education system and how hard its taken its toll on me. How it's driven me insane. How it never fails to tear me apart. Sigh.

It's study like mad from now. Study Date with Ann Hin tomorrow. Study Date with Yen on Sunday. The National Day hols are my only salvation and it shall not forsake me. I'm going to make it through one hell of a thunderstorm. Maybe Night Study with Jihan or Ann Hin on Monday. See what goes.

It's about time I hit the books.

now, where did I put my baseball bat?

din

Monday, July 31

Hit me hard enough to wake me
Lead me while to your dark roads

Sunday was delightful. Met Jihan at her place before heading off to the Debate Workshop which absolutely ROCKED! I thought the Ramesh speaker was hilarious. He has made us see into Debate as an art. As an expression. I'd definitely take up Debate when I go to JC. Like he said, "yeah you can hit a ball, so what?"

& Debating is fun. Its now that I realise that we've been debating our whole lives. Its just taking it to the next level. The more proffesional level. The more direct and effective level. It's amazing how he made us, well me at least, actually love debating and want to actually take it up proffessionally. I'm quite sure I'd make a pretty good Debater. So kudos to me.

So that was the main highlight of my Sunday. Met up with Ann Hin & Kang Wei at Siglap to study. Didn't do much but that was because I could smell my brain frying itself beneath my skull. No joke guys.

nobody knows just why we're here
would it be fate or random circumstance?

I hate hate hate it how my mother thinks that my brother and I have cooked up a conspiracy. Seriously, it sucks. I just can't wait for her to stop breathing down my neck. She's my stomach ache on a clear, bright Sunday morning. My queesy feeling for the urge to regurgitate. The skum between my toes. She makes me sick.

Chem self-study after school t'day. Was SO shagged out. Was almost brain-dead. Managed to bullshit my way through the paper then hastened down to the Art Room. Got great help from Yan Xiew & Raquel. Thanks guys. A little of help from the pros is a neccessity. No kidding.

Walked to the bus stop with Clement & Ann Hin. We saw a Wookdpecker! Hahah. & apparently, it was Clement's first time. I just made it sound wrong but it's up to you to interpret. I think life's about making a hell load amount of choices. Make yours today.

I did not just sound like a cheesy commercial.

Think I've finally come into contact with my level of contentment. & I'm pretty alright about it. At least better than I hoped for it to be. Woohooo! Sometimes, you just gotta tell yourself, 'get over it, you dumbass.' & also, 'screw it, i'm gonna start living' Even a so-full-of-yourself-speech couldn't conquer the way i feel.

Voting for Prom King & Queen have finally evoked. Hah, how formal. But yeah. I still have no goddamned idea of who I'm voting to be Prom King. Prom Queen's gonna be the everradiant, everfashionable, evergorgeous, eversincere Vanessa. Really hope you get the title missy.

Ahh, who cares about Prom. It's all about the Afterparty. Whoo~ It'll be the payback for all the months mugging our asses off. It WILL be about time. Hmmm, everything's happening so damn fast. It's like we've been travelling on a bullet-train all our goddamned 16 years of livelihood. Gees. All the world's a mess. The men & woman nearly pulling their hair out in order to survive. Believe it or not, believe it.

i have the power to summon the rains
be afraid, be very afraid

Tomorrow's tuesday baby! Which means, LAWKI & The OC. I'm craving for attention off the big black box. Come salvate me, you torpedo.

I've seriously got to sort my Piano days out before I positively, absolutely lose my damn mind.

then i'd have to go look for it. Oh bugger.

Forgive me off my dull acrimony. Don't worry, i know exactly how you feel.
It bothers the shit out of me too.

din

Saturday, July 29

you were my summer
in every perfect way

but it's a bittersweet symphony
i can't change my mould

so long sweet summer

Friday turned out to be more enjoyable than I'd hoped for it to be. Mr Chiang helped me get a C grade for my CCA & CIP involvement. Which means one point off my results. It's more than I could ask for considering the fact at how monoton I've involved myself in anything.

Math Mock was good as well. I got a 46/80 which I think was good cause it was so anyhow-ly done. & Mr Ng totally sank my spirits to rock bottom. It's like they just can't let me feel the glory for that split second. Imbeciles, i tell you. IMBECILES! Hahahah.

Decided to go for the Lake House with Jihan since Mum wasn't cooperating with me to go out with the girls. It was so beautiful. Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock. Now, who would have thought of such a combination for a romance. But hats off to them. They did everything perfectly. It was really good. Only if more guys could be like Keanu Reeves..

Maybe life wouldn't be all that fulla shit

Got news that my folks are heading off to China from Wednesday to Monday. Which is supposed to be Woohoooo! but I guess I'll only feel it when it comes. Finally Psycho Mum's outta my neck for 5 whole days. This calls for a celebration. But that means Manoj is in charge. Oh Bugger. Everythings got to do with MCS.

Went to school LATE today, kudos to Chen Ann Hin (: But that's okay. We were spared. & apparently, Gopal was in this meagerly serlatious mood. Jin Kiat tried to sabo me into telling Gopal that I didn't bring my prep work. So I was like I brought it in yesterday so that I wouldn't have to carry it today. And he totally bought it. Hah! & I saved Ann Hin's butt as well. Ahhh, all in a moment's work. Heh.

Walked to the bus stop with Ann Hin. I think we can relate so much, which is good. Its as if it's a friendship made in heaven. Considering our differences, I think we hit it off good.

Worked on my book for a bit before switching over to Boring Physics. The peak at how mundane the subject can get is astonishing. You can't always forsake what you don't want, or need.

Going for the Debate Course with Jihan tomorrow. I can't wait! It's gonna be so fun. Something I thourally lack at the moment with my social life down the toilet.

Meeting with Kang Wei, Ann Hin and maybe Jun Hao for SiglapStudyNight soon after. Tomorrow's jam packed. It's going to be this way until forever. I guess it dosen't always have to be a bad thing. I could have it good. We could all have it good. It's whether or not you want to be sucked into the realms of this superficial world.

Whatever you choose, may God be with you.

Every Single One of You (:

din

Thursday, July 27

Pull the hair back from your eyes
Let the people see your pretty face

You know they like it when you smile

Today was rather desolate. Or at least, I thought it was. School couldn't have been more inane. The only lesson I enjoyed was Chemistry, of course. But otherwise, I could have almost stabbed myself in the heart during Math. He's so...so...whats the word? Vapid. If I may say. He spent a whole period telling us about his even more platitudinous past & the other going through ONE stupid question.

Time's running out, damn it!

I'm pretty worried about my Social Studies. It astounds me at how virtually meager I can be at that subject. & my English is deteriorating! My comprehension skills suck! I'm going to have to talk to Mr K about this. It is resolvable, i hope.

Yknow, I think I've started getting on track with my life. I know I've just bombarded your face with negativity but yeah, I'd a lot to learn. I've come to see most things differently. Better than ever. It all depends on how you want to interpret life. Life's fulla shit. I'm fulla shit. So be it. Screw it, I'm no longer a whimp.

Had a little bit of a quandary earlier. It made me feel like crap cause I couldn't help it. It sucked cause it made me breakdown. The intuition of the engine in my heart jumped a beat. But I knew I had a choice. At that moment, I thought to myself; Every 60 seconds I spend upset is a minute of happiness I'll never get back. Life's way too short to be dwelling in serendipity, what more pathetic, vile, dumbshit remarks.

you can't rely on anybody else with the point of view of a source unknown

Tomorrow is going to be the most sian day of the week. & it's a Friday! Heh.

So little time
A gazillion and one things to do.

Cause you're not raining on my holy mess
Tough Luck.

din

Sunday, July 23

The dusk of her soul
succumbs to

INGENUITY

I think I've come to a turning point in my life where I seriously have to set things straight. Prioritize what's conspicuous. Like my book, for example. I've thought it to be a dream but why succumb to fake willingness. I could make it happen. I could make it all happen. I could live my dreams. I can, with all my heart & soul.

So the weekend went alright. Met Yen on Thursday. We were supposed to catch a movie but due to some unforseen circumstances, we retreated back to Yen's place for the rest of the afternoon. It was partly my fault cause I was supposed to catch Pirates with her but I had already watched it. And the other movies were a sore to the eye. So yeah, SORRY YEN.

Friday was Racial Harmony/Founder's Day. Was pretty alright. Ms Yew told us about Hilter & what the women faced & how it shamed the men. How barbaric people can be during war. How men can be so heartless & imbecile. The fact that death isn't suffering. The fact that hardship is suffering & people succumb to death because of hardship.

It was a stab in the throat. I just couldn't imagine. HereI am, living the life. Knowing all my folks want is the best of my ability & they will provide accordingly. I just felt, there's a whole new world out there just waiting to be submerged. I'm in hunger to find out.

Met Nad on Friday Night @ Tampines. It had been a thousand million years since i met her. Nad, my SAJC motivation, my best friend, my estacy, my laugh buddy, my confidant. Love you Missy. You Rock My Socks (:

Went to School on Saturday morning. Met Dannelia, Nicky & Loise. It's been a whole lifetime since I've seen those guys. Good times. Real good times.

Had Piano after that. So now, I'm really getting serious with it. Apparently, the examiner for this year is a wraith. HAHAHAH. K, not literally. But he failed 2 music scholars! & 3 grade 2s! Grade 2 was amazingly a piece of StrawberryCheeseCake for me. It brought gitters through my collar bone. So from now on, I'm going to be so damn perfect. Not a single mistake and I'm going to play with expression. Feed into the damn examiner's heart. Force him into my music. Make him feel as though he's being possessed into my rhythm. Ok, that's enough of fantasising.

But I've got to be different. Have my own style. That's the only way to get my distinction. My excellence. My pride.

Went for Amar's Surprise soon after. Loved his house. I thought it was very unique & very vibrant. And Karan & Anand did a really good job in taking charge of the food, decor, invites, etc, etic. Very nicely done. I think the entire Cricket team was there or something as well as the Rugby Captain. Really cool. And Nad said he's the guy who appeared on the MOE Book. Who Knew?!?!? HAH. Small world.

So last night was a blast. I've got 2 shout-outs.

din

Thursday, July 20

Today marks THE day where I've just proved to my entire class that I'm a big jinx.

Woke up surprisingly early cause I couldn't bear the fact that I had to walk all the way to the 10 bus stop although it's only 7 minutes away. Not only am I a jinx, I'm also a bum. I suck lah.

So, the part where I'm a big jinx was during Math. We were down with Statistics by Scholar. So, half way down the lesson, Jun Hao asks me how to plot the graph. So I leaned like SLIGHTLY to my right of the chair and the next thing i know, I'm on the floor. Butt Paralysed. I swear, nothing could have been more embarrassing. The fact that I couldn't move for about5 seconds, gawwdd, No joke man.

& as many people may know, I am the most accident prone jinxed there ever was. I need to get rid of this pathetic 'disease' and FAST.

Otherwise, Art today was pretty fun. Ann Hin, Aaron, Colin and myself got scolded for leaning on the latch watching the Founder's Day Rehersal, like WTF. Apparently, Gopal was down there taking pics, so he has total proof. Which I found HILARIOUS! hahahah. & he gave us a Hitler-like speech on what he's going to do with us. Ludicrous is the only word. How SO Gopal.

After school, Jihan, Aaron and myself went down to Arab Street & Beach Rd t get Colin's mask. & we ended up getting ourselves masks each. Heh. Nice ones too (: I've decided to decorate mine with black lace and red lining. It's going t look splendid.

So on our way back, we walked past Park View and there was this really amazing Salon. The decor was exqusite! It just looked marv. Although the prices were marv as well. Heh. It's called Le P-Something. Some really cool name. Ahhh (:

Then we saw 3 transexuals. Downright GROSS! They looked okay from afar although it was REALLY obsious they were men. But when we got up-close, they looked HIDIOUS! Awgh. People like that should be banned from society. Not that I'm being bias against them, it's just so Er Sing! Hahahah.

Got my paper then we headed home. Really exhausted now, but I've still got a bathtub full of homework to complete. Sian.

din

Sunday, July 16

Yknow, sometimes, my folks can be a real pain the foot (literally). & for that, today has come forth to rest my case.

I've got a wart or a corn bud, whatever you may call it, under my foot. And if you may all know from experience, it hurts like HELL! Even the Painful Gods couldn't comprimise. Yeah, THAT bad. And it kills me cause I'm not able to resist such pain. But I think no one could. Not even Tough Old Will who got canned numerous times. For all of you who dont know what the hell i'm talking about, go catch Pirates of the Caribbean!

I loved it by the way. Although I thought the first one was better but I still absolutely loved it. Ahhh, got a good dose of Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom & Keira Knightley! All of the people who actually win my vote when it comes to Real Acting! So a million points to them each (:

Back to my point. So I've been having this wart under my foot for like forever now but it just recently started to hurt & it's almost as if I've got a pebble injected through the sole of my foot. No. Not a very pleasant feeling.

So my folks have been saying to go visit my uncle who's a skin specialist in Johore cause he's family and so he'll probably do a good job with it. So I've been all set since FRIGGIN FRIDAY. But to no avail, my folks just ignored the fact that we were going. ARRRGGGHHH. Idiotic Fact No.1

Then it was AGAIN planned to go today afternoon since we were all busy on saturday. So fine. I even cancelled my meet-up with Nadirah so that I could get this stupid operation over and done with. But guess what? NOOOOOOOOOOO. They've apparently put everyone else before me. ME! I'm FRIGGIN FAMILY. Gosh. So yeah. We HAD to entertain guests, which I wasn't really upset about. I just go as PLANNED! Cause i happen to PLAY BY THE RULES. So yeah.

I was pretty darn pissed. Then well, I kinda poured my guts out in the UN-nicest way possible. I even went straight to the damn point asking them if i were adopted or something cause my pain evidently dont mean a thing to their thick souls. But I'm completely sorry right now cause I know that isn't the way I should treat my folks. But still! I'm in pain, that being the whole point of it all.

So if there's anyone to blame, it's not going to be me! it's not going to be my folks. It's going to be the DAMN WART who/which just refuses to let me go. Like wtf's wrong with you. I don't think I'm a very trustworthy person. Can't you get the DAMN HINT! I'm going to get RID OF YOU!

OMG, tell me I just did NOT talk to my own wart :/

If life is cruel, how should the afterlife be any different?

Anyways, so my folks decided to surprise me with movie tics to Pirates. Which DID NOT HELP cause I was supposed to go with Yen, Nad and Bhav on Thursday!!! Ulghk. Just when you thought it was getting better right? So yeah, they had already booked it, so i couldnt cancel out and I know how pek chek it is to get the family to go out together. Even my older bro was watching it for the second time.

Don't worry guys, i wouldn't mind going again if you guys really want to watch Pirates (:

But the movie turned out great! So i think they're semi-forgiven. But I'm still in pain. And it gets worse and worse ever darn second. Which sucks but what the hell am i to do. & my dad kept saying that we'll go to E & E telling them it's an emergency and that it hurts really bad. Which is completely stupid. So I was like I think I need a REAL INJURY. And my dad went, wanna go blading now?? And I was flushed! ): I can blade completely properly now. K that's not the point.

Otherwise, I got to see Mesa today (: Ahhh, she slangs now! AHAHAHAH but it works for her. I think she's very feminin now and she dyed her hair! Nice shade of brown I must say. I loved it. Oh well, too bad I only got to speak to her one-car-ride-long. Mes, you better be baq soon so we can squabble! AHAHAH Loves~

Still got to finish my work. O Level Malay Listening Compre tomorrow. At 4 bloody 30 o clock. Like they could BE any LATER. Gosh.

PE tmr! Meaning SOCCER! Meaning, I get to practise for GSS soon. Whooo~

to go or not to go, that, unfortunately is the stupidest question.

din

Saturday, July 15

Today was a rather peaceful yet becomming day. And i'm elated. It's good to have days like these. Although you know for a fact it's not good for you.

Leisured down to school where the art room was peppered with art students. I think, surprisingly, everyone turned up. Whoo~ Yea yea, big achievement. But it kinda is. She [of the name i shall not recite] was in a not-so-incredibly bad mood. Wait, understatement of the year. I think fallacious would do.

Got tonnes of instructions so that should keep me occupied for the week. She's okay really if you come to think of it. Without her ever-fluctuating bonkers-ness, she's pretty alright. And after all, she's just there to help us out. Copiously.

Lunched with AnnHin at the Al-Something place. I thought I could have eaten two whole plates of mee goreng due to me falling asleep at 8 last night, going without dinner cause i've obviously been Sleep Deprived. And well, i left the house without Breakfast. I forgot. Honest.

So yeah, but i only ate like half the plate. I swear, I'm still full from it and its like ten in the pm. Gawddd. There's seriously something wrong with mua.

Went for Piano where I think its finally hit me to get serious with my music. I don't intend to pursue it, but I would absolutely love playing the piano for other purposes. Like if i decide to be all adventurous and start a band? Or if I want to take some time off Forensics, I could play at a hotel lounge. Or what if I'm old and retired & really want to do something productive, I could teach. Mdm Yeo says I've got great potential that just refuses to shine. Grrr.

So yes, I am going to do well for my Prac Exams this year. Scrupulously.

Walked by the beach cause the book I was reading was at its good part and so I thought I'd read it along the sea breeze enjoying the sights clear blue sea. So the slow walk really made me anticipate my lovely book and well, just think. I'm not going to elaborate, so yeah. Dont go, 'And...' Heh. Yup. Cause you're not getting any ;p

I send an SOS to the world
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a bottle

I've been dwelling myself in books these days. More than I usually should. But it's better this way. I'd rather escape from reality & believe in stuff I never assumed I would. It feels great. Its like i'm attatched to something, a whole new world. I may be the only darn hermit ever living there. But whatever it is, it sure is bliss.

din

Friday, July 14

Thursday

Can't really remember what went on in school but my days in school are becoming really elating and i'm glad cause at least it's not a total complete bore to the state where i'd prefer to plunge down a 50 story building & yet live to see that very tragic yet incredibly stupid action. I'm livin the teenage tragedy guys. It couldn't get better than this.

We've got a Local Scholar for our Statistics Teacher this term. According to Bakar, these Scholars could be promoted to Principal Position in 5 Minutes! HAHAHAH K, well 5 years. But imagine this. You graduate from NIE at a tender age of 23, 24, 25? well, depends on the Honours shit as well. Yup but you're in your mid-twenties. And while other non-Scholar Twenty-plus year olds are draining their sorrows in a bucket of crap due to mid-life crisis, here we have Scholars teaching in schools knowing they've only got 5 years of teaching in their belts.

Hmmm. Apparently Mr Ong's a Scholar too. & As soon as we heard, Ann Hin and myself were hyperventilating and getting all hyped up just cause of the fact that he's a scholar. And like we've been calling him Scholar as well. HAHAHAH he's pretty darn funny. Really short. Apparently, born in Indonesian & took Kang Wei's insult so witty-ly. Heh. So DONT misjudge Scholars. They're cooler than your average smart ass Joe.

After School, Nic, Jihan and myself went down to Bugis to get our Pumas (: Jihan got the Black with Red Lining while I got the White with Green Lining. I love it. I think the whole Green and White ensemble. I think it works for me. I love my Poomy.

Lunched at Yoshinoya then took photos and i must say, they came out pretty well (: I find great satisfactory when all goes my way. I'm not self centred in any way but I think I love seeing people happy and seeing them happy makes me happy. This totally had no link with the photos but Oh Well..

Got home close to 5.30 and got some solid work done. I did Chem & my love for Chem grows and grows. I love Chemistry.

Forensic Science, you're such a dream. Draw me close to you.

Today

School was pretty alright. Probability Test went well although I made THE most stupidest careless mistake but then Ann Hin whispered it to me. & Scholars pretty blurr so yea, I'll guaranteed an A (:

Malay-Session was really funny. HAHAH like wth. I translated stuff for the BSP. Heh. It was hilarious lah. Somemore right before test. & Jun needs serious help in Math. Well, in everything. It's not my motive to be a teacher cause I'd rather not but I think he needs help. Loads. Siglap Study Sunday soon (:

Mr K totally blasted at the class today. I know how he must be feeling but we ARE trying hard. Very hard. At least most of us are. I know we should be putting in LOADS MORE effort into English. Its hard being good at all 3 components. Arrrggghhh. But Mr K's right. It is important. So very important. I want my A so bad. SO BAD. I'm so pek chek.

Mock Test after school. Totally lann-ed my way through cause everyone was just slacking & like Scholar was the invidulator, so go figure. Scribbled through most of the sums. It wasn't a really bad paper. And when we self-marked it, I got a 49! Out of Lan work, that's pretty awesome. HAHAH and Scholar was really supportive. Like all teachers should be~

So I'm pretty satisfied with today. The rest of the day's bullshit shall not be mentioned to ruin my seemingly everlasting pride. Ooh! and we returned a wallet today! HAHAH we picked it up and figured that it came from the Primary School with the patheticness of the Fake LV and the 2 dollar note and disgusting keys. But we Still returned it. But the lady at the counter was so UNGRATEFUL. No thank you also. K, i'm fussing.

But yea, my point being, SATISFACTORY. Its amazing how the word has no relation to the word FACTORY. HAHAHAH. K, whatev.

Gots to get backs to me works.

It's been a lanky week
just like Crouch's legs.
But I'm going to score
Cause i'm not letting my team mates down.

Not a chance.

din

Wednesday, July 12

Hey folks. Today marks THE most unproductive day of my life. Not like i've never said that before but I just feel sore about it. & don't get me wrong, i'm not fussing.

School was okay, i guess. Prom Night is NOT going to be held in school (: Ahhh, now I really want to get all geared up for Prom. I dont know, but it's a great feeling~

Stomach ached and ached the hell out of me today. I swear, I could have collapsed on the floor and died of terminal stomach-pain-ness. Roarr. Sucked ):

Slept trough my entire afternoon. Explains the stupid feeling. I was dead beat but OMG once i realised i could have done so many things, i started annoying myself.

I think Soccer Nostalgia is kicking in. I know its good to sleep through the night once again but it also feels EFFING GREAT staying up. I just need my spoonful. S Leagues coming out. Watch Out guys (:

I'm a war, of head versus heart
And it's always this way
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say.

There were Churches, Theme Parks & malls,
But there was nothing there all along.

Andrea came over to bum for like 20 minutes while my folks were out. Watched SI. i support the winner! & while she was rumaging through my stuff, she pranced upon my school bag and was like, 'whoa, you read alot ah. National Geo, Readers Digest, Story Book, 2 some more! Siao. I think I'll just flip through or die trying.' HAHAHAHAHAH.

Shes nuts. But yeah. I've always had a thing for reading. Maybe I'll form my own book-club one day when I've established my goals.

I think i'll crash. Mums sucking my blood.

Bye guys (:

din

Tuesday, July 11

Sue Ann has been THE most trustworthy and amazing friend this past year.
She's the one person i can pour my heart out to and know deep down that she's got my back. The plethora of silly opinions & amazingly spastic actions we've shared have been a BLAST, in the most unusual way.

Our weird MSN chats & lame comments have made me go numb in the stomach. But I thank God for a friend like her. Someone who'd read you like a diary. Know when & what to say to make you feel all better. Gives you a different point of view of things. There's a lot going on in that little anatomy of hers. Even though she's a year younger, I think we all know she's got a pure & mature heart.

Love you to bits Sue Ann.
Have an Awesome & Swinging Sixteenth Birthday.
You deserve it.

cause you're the best (:

din

Monday, July 10

Saturday-Went to school then realised that it was a complete waste of my time so AnnHin and myself headed down to Parkway for lunch. & i've developed a hate for PastaMania. Ulghk. Its sick man, seriously.

Headed home soon after that while AnnHin headed off to Church for some meeting. Riding with her is damn funny, lah. heh. She's so damn random & imbecile. Hah. & no matter how much we may pass ludicrous comments, i think we make a great multi-racial friendship.

Which brings me to realise that i am generally a very multi-racial damsel. I mean all of my best friends have been of a different race. Making chindian the exception. But still, i dont think it's cause i cannot get along with my fellow clan, its just that i feel i dont fit in. I love their company but somehow, i dont belong. i suck, lah.

Caught a little of Wimbledon. Go Roger! & i think the women's finals were boring. Very.

Met Andrea for a bit then i got a call from Dad saying that he's going to watch the match with Mum & some friends at chijmes and was wondering whether I'd want to tag along. Gawd. I'd rather not be seen with a bunch of 40++ year olds no matter how atmospheric the place is.

So I bunked home cause Andy wasn't too keen on watching the match. She kept going, lazy lahhh. How can any sane being be too lay to watch the finals. Imbecile. Hahah. but she's too girly. & she's going away to Aussie to further her studies. Hmmm. Gonna miss her bitch-fits & incredible bullshit story-telling. HAHAH.

So the words been spread (: Girls Soccer is confirmed fo' sho' yo'. I'm finally elated. Primary School soccer days have been long gone. Remember the match against Fowlie Primary(now existing as Tanjong Katong Primary). A guy's teeth injected through my collar bone. The scars still there. Unsightly. Dont ask :/

I'm not sure when it is but i better start training. Im Out Of Shape. Litterally. Not only am I a tv buff. I also eat more than anyone i know. Hmmm. i suck again, lah.

Sunday-Satsang in the morning. Enriching experience although i was constantly nodding off due to my lack of sleep. But Question & Answer was really good. I'm glad i went.

Ended pretty early so i got home, caught up on my sleep & studied cause mum said i wont be able to go out at night if i dont get down to business. Hardly studied Chem. Wasn't in the mood for Geog although I have a big test on Agriculture on Tuesday. Rawrr.

However, I was still allowed to go cause I managed not to make them furious today. Job Well Done. Bus-ed down to Ceylon Road to meet Shanti & Dipti where Shanti's mum gave us a lift to Swensen's Orchard for Rishi's birthday gathering. Was alright i guess. Vishal is officially King of LameVille. I swear. Heh. & i thought i was bad enough. HAHAHAH jk.

It was planned to watch the match with them at chijmes after dinner but I figured my folks wouldnt be too keen on it so no point asking. But today they said that they'd let me for the next WC. Well, we'll see about that. Things folks say~. IN-Credible. So cabbed back with Sanam, Hanisha & Kumud. Caught the finals with the rest of the household.

Gawd. WTF happened with Zidane. His goal at the 5th minute was brilliant but GAWD. I'm just too upset to elaborate right now. But Italy put on a good game. OH WELL ): At least France got it this far. But i seriously thought they were going to win. Honestly, Positively thought so. I was torn apart during the Shoot Out. Fuck. It devastated the crap out of me. I couldn't have felt more pathetic. ):

Wagged school today. Maybe it was cause I was despondent or maybe it was cause i was enervated but i think i'm just too perplexed to know.

din

Friday, July 7

had my dose of telly yesterday. Yes, if you might not have guessed, i'm a tv buff & im not gonna deny it. TV is just the BOMB!

Dad's gonna get the Smart TV thing. & thats the coolest thing ever. I'm estatic (:

Caught 8th & Ocean, Rock Star: Supernova [which rocks the house down. i love it to the very bits of this island] and Project Runway in which i thought Santino, Daniel and Chloe's dress was really pretty.

This is really random, but theres this lady near my place who walks backwards every morning! As soon as i leave the house, i see her. Its frightening. She kinda looks possessed. Gawd. Walk properly woman!

& theres this Ah Mah in the bus who always sends her grandson to school and shes got this Magical Black Fila Bag. OMFG, its got every darn thing inside. From Plastic Clippers to Rubber Bands, from Ribena to napkins. She's SUPER GRANNY! Hah. although, its a little embarrasing :/

School was ok today lah. Loads of laughs. & OMG our schools got a whole computer lab of 17-inch iMacs. They are so cool. Apparently, they're 5 K each. But its about time i part with my lovely flat-screen hp. Its been great doing business with ya ;)

After school Jihan and me trotted to her house to go get her blading stuff. Then we cabbed down to my place to get my blading stuff & headed for East Coast. Had a BLAST. Jihan, you're the BEST, lah. heh.

Bladed to Marine Cove for Lunch. Bladed back to the beach then aired our stuffed feet. Talked and harangued and chaffed at the rocks. Slacked around & enojed the beach for a bit before heading back to Marine Cove where her Mum offered to give me a lift.

Bought nice blue earings and Jihan & i bought a colourful coral charm bracelet. Both were very reasonably priced (:

So my day went alright i guess. & i overcomed my JINX-NESS! thanks to Jihan Bok! Hahahah. I was a little paranoid about the slopes, even the almost-nothing ones, until dear ol' Jihan taught me how to control. Ahhh. I can now blade like a pro. Hahah. But well enough.

Next Stop: Ice Skating!

Really drained now. Cant wait for Soccer Finals (:
France will kick some italian butt!

No emo stuff today. Heh. Not in the right mind.

Maybe tomorrow.

suddenly i see
why the hell it means so much to me.

din

Wednesday, July 5

Died in your arms tonight.

oh my god. firstly, i've got to stop swearing, think i need to fast. K, wtf does that have to do with anything but i just feel that i need to fast to thank God for everything so that would remind me not to say ohmygod. okay i just did. ANYWAYS

Malay O Level Oral today. I'm not exactly impressed but i'm glad for the reading part. cause when we had 5 minutes to practise first, i completely stumbled on all the words. So yeah. The examiners were like, 'For an indian, you pronounce your words very well'. In malay of course.
But my convo, lets not even go there.

So all in all, it was a beautiful disaster.

Now, to SOCCER. omfg, Germany lost! Well, i'm not a fan but I just didnt want Italy to win. NO ITALIANO. I mean seriously, Amazing midfielder/captain Micheal Ballack played well, like he always does. It was so extrememly abominable. Gosh. I'd never expected.

Italy clinched the win with Piero & Grosso scoring 2 wonderful late goals duirng extra time. HMMM. They were wonderful but i've never known Italy for its flare in soccer. Neither did England nor Brasil this time round. Portugal & France have shown their flare for soccer & its amazing. Even Argentina & Germany. I thought Germany possessed the most amount of flare. Grrr. Its the flare that counts.
The word is Overrated now.

Schools been so so. Today marks the worst day of my life :/ dont ask.

The anxiety is killing me
I'm forced to confront.

I see him putting in effort, for that, i'd apologise my heart out. This stinks.
I will once i pluck up the courage to.

Anyways, i've developed a hate for her.
But the opposite of love isn't hate.
Its indifference.
So that should mean i still care.

Holy Crap.

Going blading with dear ol' buddy Jihan on Friday! Yes, blading. Its time to overcome my jinx-ness. The devil shall not live within me. & i've recovered from my fall so its time i go.

Things i need to do;
Get Gift.
Fast.
Go Blading.
Study.

Things i need to get done RIGHT NOW;
SS HOMEWORK DUE TMR!

ciao.

din

Sunday, July 2

first things first.

ENGLAND VS PORTUGAL (3-1 shoot out)
Fuck Lampard. The guys got some huge problem ignited in his very soul.
& for the back takers. Gawd. Carragher! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU! 2ce in the wrong direction. AHHH. Should have put Ferdinand! Corn Rows bring good luck.
& as usual, Crouch pissed my goddamned guts off.

Gerrad & J.Cole did well, nomatter what. Credits guys.

Rooney totally blew it although i must may drama on the field's always a plus.

I wasn't planning on supporting England on this match but what's a good brit accent compared to european gah- huh? cant understand you. But then Englad proved themselves. Well, for a while. But by then i was already all geared up in supporting them. Oh Well.

Poor Becks ): Honey, the damn WC's not worth your tears.

& like as if THAT wasn't much of a catastrophe;

BRASIL VS FRANCE
Grrr. Went over to Andrea's house cause she was alive & kicking. So i kinda sneaked out. Folks still have no fucking clue.

Brasil put on an amazing show but France was just Over The Top. Mad Skills ya'll. I mean seriously. Henry's free kick goal was stupendous. Love you baby. Hahahah. But wtf man. Ronaldino! Where were you when your team needed you the most? Ahh.

Kaka cried man ): Fuck. Becks, Ferdinand, etc etc. Gawd. I mean you never really imagine how they must be feeling.

Nonetheless, Soccer still means the world to me. If i had a chance to play i would. Probably join the girls soccer team in JC. Hopefully.

SO we're freaking left with EUROPEAN countries fighting for the Cup. Might as well be the Euro 2006. Gah. Guess luck didn't exactly trinkle down England. Really feel sorry for them but aye! Soccers about PASSION, SKILL & theres nothing more important than that.

Well Well. Wagged school on Friday due to some unforseen circumstances. Leaving me with an amazingly LONG weekend. With a truckload amount of homework.

My life is officially shit. Yeah and Lord Cynic's got something to do with it. GRRR.

& about the whole last entry. I guess what i did was for the best & no matter what, its my O Levels we're talking about here! & thats all that matters. My Os, Soccer, Family & just having good clean fun. Yup thats me for you guys.

Had a BLAST yesterday. I am officially a Game-Of-LifeR. & no matter how fucked the game is, it gets you thinking & its a whole load of fun.

Imagine this. I got married. Got twins. Got a girl. Then a boy. Then i STILL had time to go adopt twins! & on top of that, I was in so much DEBT, its not even funny man. HAHAHAH

but it was a good laugh.
So 1st of July marks Game-Of-Life Day. With my partners (: Howdy.

& i dont know what he's after
but he's so beautiful
a beautiful disaster

din

Thursday, June 29

Suddenly, i feel the world turning against me

I'm shit scared. I shouldn't have done what I did today. It was a dicission out of sheer pressure. Man, I suck. I have no fucking mind of my own & no matter what happens, i'll never be able to forgive myself.

I believe in karma and just the thought of it makes me wince. I'm just too caught up. I'm not going to do this anymore.

I'm almost there into the stage where I know who my true friends are. At least, that's what i feel. I'm a wreck & if i don't buckle up, sooner or later i'd explode into a gazzilion pieces.

I guess Sorry isn't a strong enough word anymore. Its Overrated and it don't mean what it used to mean. Im not making any sense here so fuck.

I'm just frustrated and i need a help-line. I need to realise my dreams, my goals and how i'm going to go about achieving them.

I'm so messed up right now, it's not even funny. Think i'll stick to where i belong. Doing something else just makes things harder & the feeling sucks. I hope i get over it sooner or later.

I just hope that whatever happened today could self-destruct.

I hope my entire universe would self-destruct.

The battle's begun.
The world's turned against me
& the only way is to decay.

No pun intended.

din

Wednesday, June 28

God. I absolutely love Tuesday Night Telly.

Its got a new series of Criminal Minds at 11pm. & then theres the brand new kickass season of CSI and it's gonna be off the hook.

& the new series of Life As We Know It. Could compare it to One Tree Hill. It's really good stuff for the soul. And on Sunday there's Commander In Chief which i personally feel is an awesome show especially if you're into the whole fetish of feminism.

& for Sports. There's the glorious World Cup and Wimbledon Lawn Tennis! Caught Aggasi play yesterday and of course, he won! (:

So spain lost ): to France. But nonetheless, France made a fabulous callback which was extremely impressive. Didn't catch the match live but i managed to catch the highlights on TV Mobile on my way to school in the morn. Henry scored! Love you baby. & so did Zidane. And the other one i dunno. but anyway, Yay! Some Villa guy scored for Spain. Hmmm. Somehow, Spain always manages to play extremely well for the quats and then when it comes to semi, they suck big-time. Oh well. Sorry Raul, Reyes and Torres. You guys still rock, i guess. Perhaps in your own teams :p

Brasil won, as i expected. Ahhh, i just cannot wait for the matches ahead. I'm estatic about the long weekend coming up. Its WC all the way baby & a bit of studying as well. As proposed.

So I'm gonna catch Germany vs Argentina match with my backseat brudders. HAHAH. with my 3 constant buddies. Probably at KW's house. Yay! I'm just praying mum would be at-the-top-of-mount-everest-spirited on friday. Then Jun wants to go watch the England vs Portugal match as well so we'll probably watch that as well & Brasil & France! All my favourite players playing against each other. This is gonna be one helluva WC season. It's gonna get dirrty.

School was gazongkas today. Mr K's getting on my nerves and apparently, everybody elses. I'm pretty satisfied with what Jihan & myself have come up with. muaAHAH. Boo Ya K. Some 'teacher'. Cause i thought all along a Teacher's job was to TEACH. Guess it doesn't apply to some people. I'm grievly upset about this. This is my English Grade we're talking about here. & his Crocodile Tears yesterday couldn't fool me. Grrr.

Cant find my Math 2 book so I'm completely annoyed.

I'm a mess, i need to sort my life out and lay it right.

Leaving you guys with a quote by Miss J. Bok.

"When life gives you lemons, you give life the finger."

din

Tuesday, June 27

I'm so happy i could die laughing. Partly bcause Italy won last night's match although I think the Socceroos should have won and i didn't really think the penalty was a penalty. So yeah & also Brasil's playing against Ghana tonight!

Boo Ya Underdogs. Brasil SO has this. I'm just hoping for a goal from Kaka. He hasn't really performed as well as he's capable of so i'm really hoping he puts one in. Then will be the glory of miss dinisha thadani. Ahhh, yes.

Mum's getting on my !#$%)*&%^$#! nerves. Just wish she'd mellow down. Everything with the grace of God.

& i wonder if i was
built this way

First Day of school was rough. I couldn't keep my eyes awake. Gosh. Chemistry was just totally eejit. I think I breathed in an exorbitant amount of gases, I almost suffocated. Gawd, & I'm still extremely positive in majoring in a chemistry-based field. Grrr.

Apparently, Gradnite presentation today was a major cock-up & school was utmost boring. But then again, what's new?

Met my primary school teacher, Mrs Tresscort [Trosscot?] on the bus while I 31-ed home. She's really nice cause shes retired! hahah but yea, she only reliefed my class a couple of times but she still remembers my name and stuff. Wow. I've really left a mark in that beloved school of mine.

& funny, cause we talked about the eerie-ness of bad-english while there were evidently book-cover manjaan people all around us. Hee hee. Its good they're aware of it anyway. Not that I do speak perfect english but I know what to speak when. & that's very important.

Piano teacher's gone for an Eye Op. Hmmm. & honestly, i havent really been paing attention to my exam pieces. I keep deviating to other crap i picked up. In my books, this is not good.

I'm just glad I got friends like Nad, Jihan & AnnHin who really rock the house down.

Talked to Jihan after school today during our monthly ungirt & if feels great having stuff in common and just speaking your mind. Jihan! sorry about your Birthday Present ): I'm a no. 1 Procrastinator.

See, i have this little motto.

Procrastinators of the World Unite!

Tomorrow.

Heh. Soon soon. Really.

I have other stuff to bore you guys with, but i forgot. Major cramp-up headache. Not bacause of Soccer..Especially Nad & Jihan who are constantly blaming it on menot having enough sleep. I just think its my biological time-table which is fucked.

Neways, Jihan, you rock.

Nad, I love you so damn much.

AnnHin dosent read my blog so she shan't get any special shout out. Ne ne ni boo boo. K whatev.

Today AnnHin and me played the Perfect English Game. It goes like this. We had to survive a day without singlish & if you did say lah, meh, etc. you'd get whacked. And I got whacked more times than her! Well, partly cause she kept her mouth shut most of the time, but yeah. Bottom line is that I talk too much & I'm just hopeless. Not something to be proud of.

So much for "Perfect English". Grrrr. Guess it's in our bones and it may not be curable.

Fuck.

din

Sunday, June 25

Seemed that everyone in the world got up before I did. I was flourished to the very fo shizzle ka gizzle. Whatever that means.

I obviously didn't get any work done which means I'm going to have to see the next two weeks slogging my butt off & then after I should be giving up the little luxuries in life. Dreadfully.

I just hope for support & love from my family and friends. I really need this. I really really really really really really really really really really really really want this for the goodness of everyone as well as myself. I'm not willing to let anyone down & i'm certainly not going to let anyone make me look inferior as soon as i get my results. I just want to do my best and just be me.

I just wish i could share this me. I don't want to lose out. It sucks especially when people laugh at your ambition & it sucks. Really thought about everything last night after Mesa's family left for Bandung/Australia. Wherever. I guess, nothing comes easy. I've lost a whole part of me and i'm determined to get it back.

I just need someone by my side. The little whisper of encouragement, that assurance, the comfort. That's all i need right now. I'm not intending to worry my life away but this is just the way it goes.

Omg. I'm beginning to yawn at my sentences. This is not good. Anyways, today was drolk. I just made that word up so its up to you to decide how it went.

Was home till i decided to make a trip down to Gramps to pass my cousin his money which i've owed him for over two months & i guess i'd better clear all debts. I'm no freeloader and I'll live up to it.

Stayed there for a couple of hours then headed home. And if theres one thing i've learnt today, its that miscommunication IS a BIG FAT joke.

Caught High School Musical just now. I liked it. Thought the Gabriella Mortez girl was really pretty & Troy Bolton's hot. His smile could make any girl melt down like little ice cubes in Tahiti.

SCHOOL tomorrow. Cant say i'm really anticipating it but i think i need a good start.

gotta say goodbye to:
PROCRASTINATION
LAZINESS
THE URGE TO OVEREAT
MY ULTIMATE PASSION FOR DANCE

i'll go back to dancing as soon as my Os are over. Hell Yeah.

If theres one language i speak, its DANCE.

Gotta get my head in the game.

I'm all over the place, if you've not spotted.
I just hope i'm playing my cards right.

& all will go well.

cross my heart.

din

Saturday, June 24

Dear Heart,
You are so fucked up.
You are doomed to be in agony.
Just give up already.
I'm tired of the struggle.
Me

It's true.

All i should probably be thinking about is my fetish to love studying and nothing else cause I think i'd be better off. Seriously.

I think at any moment, sooner the better, i'll drive into a frenzy and the trepidation is going to be one helluva ride.But then again, who ever said life were a bed of blossoming, red roses? I'm not exactly anticipating the whole pucker up and that's why i'm totally freaking out. i'd never meant for it to be this way. No kidding.

Went to school today for less than two hours. Gopal got a little convulsed. okay, that's an understatement. He was furious. Blood-pressure almost reaching a whooping 230 mm Hg. Again, no kidding. But me being a very patient and extremely submissive damsel, talked my way out of it. Sometimes, my ability scares the crap out of me. Hah.

School resumes in about [lets just say my math's right] 43 hours, considering the fact that it's 3 in the pm right now & I've just discovered an incubus of undone homework. & I'm still decisive on whether I should curl myself up in bed reading my delicious book.

Burn that.

But I'm feeling a turmoil developing in my head. I'll be just right to explode like a angsana. I think i might have passed it on to my brother, but he's way worse. He sounds like a grumpy toad whenever he says anything. Yulghk.

No clue, as yet, of who's playing against who today. Ooh. and France is in! Henry, do your thang.
& yesterday's match between Spain & Saudi. 1-0 to Espana. Reyes baby put on a good one. Love you babes. I'm really impressed with Ghana's performance so far. Those underdogs either have a truckload amount of potential or they're just plain lucky.

& i thought Ronaldino was Spanish. He does play for Barca but then again players get mixed up all the time, except for WC of course. Hmmm. This is one of the most enjoyed WCs of all time because of the unpredictability, the arrival of Hot Stuffs. Heh. So yeah. I'm pretty satisfied and I think Brasil will rise up to the occasion once again. If not, i'm hoping Spain gets through.

My Country of Comfort. I'd dream of living in Barcelona one day. It's Beayoutifool. Seriously man. Besides the fact that your hair starts smelling of cig smoke the moment you step into the country, it's the best place to be in. With the lavishness of Mango & Zara outlets occupying the streets & the beyond breathtaking churches & buildings, it would leave you gazing in marvelment. & the romance goes without saying. Simply brilliant.

Okay, that led me back t a little bit of reminiscing. Oh well. Miss those Spain-trip 2005 days. Brings back really gratifying memories.

Just once more, i want to be the angel on your sill.

okay, i'm famished. i need happy food.

you break my heart, i'll gurge your eyes out till you whither and die.
Mark.
My.
Words.

din

Friday, June 23

Now, what did I tell you. Croatia and my wonderful Socceroos drawed! which means that they still advance so yay!

Yes, I wasn't accurate about the Jap & Brasil match but hey, Brasil did so damn well. Exceeded all of my expectations. Oh! and ma man, Pele was there. Probably flushed when Japan scored the first goal. Darn Japs. But then Ronaldo Fatty put a brilliant goal in just before half time. +99 points to him.

& then the goals kept coming in one after another. It broke my heart to see Kaka & Ronaldino get substituted. But not more than Nad's im sure. heheh. I was really hoping for Kaka to put one in, but oh well. He did have quite a number of shots. So yes, i am very pleased with Brasil's performance.

So much so that I actually felt a whole lot better and my fever deteririorated to a 38 (:

Was supposed to go to Bintan with Dad today t check out Dad's new F.O.S. But Dad was afraid I wouldn't be well enough which was rather true cause at around 12 plus, i puked all of my dinner out. Not something I will elaborate on. So yeah.

Aaron called just as soon as i woke t tell me that class gathering was cancelled. Actually only a few people could make it, being AnnHin, KangWei, Aaron, Jon & Jun. And J&J find great joy in making my life a living hell, so i guess it was best it got cancelled. But i couldn't stay home, Mum was just summoning up my already excruciating headache so I met up with Aaron to watch Just My Luck.

Wasn't worth my 8 bucks. But my-oh-my Chris Pine aka Jake(stage name) who also acted as Sir Nicolas in Princess Diaries 2 is ohmyfreakingGoddamned fine! He's hot. My ideal Prince Charming. Oh well.

36-ed home with Chamillionaire's Ridin' Dirty on replay. Man, that song's highly addictive.

Firgured I'm going to need so much sleep today & thank God i'm only interested in the match between Spain & Saudi Arabia which is at 10! Yes. I am going to ogle all over my lovely Torres. Heh.

i love the way my name sounds when it comes tumbling out of your mouth.

School starts in 2 days. It's time to chiong.

in search of a new objective.

din

Dear Saint Jude,
Patron Saint of desperate cases & lost causes.

Where the hell are you?

Made it on time for school today. Well, at least wayy before google-eyed monster came trotting in. So +10 points (:

The rest of the day was pretty drowsy. 31-ed back home after a very painful journey to the bustop with Aaron and AnnHin. God, these guys are probably the cause of the whites on my head.

Came down with a whooping 41 degrees fever & the culprit being not getting adequent sleep, which I am fully aware of but the WC only comes once in four years. I couldn't miss it for the world.

Went to Gramp's place t meet my cousin from Cairo & he's GIANT. He's probably taller than the freaking eifel tower. ok, that was ludicrous, but he was just omfg tall. get my point. so yeah. & his youngest kid is effing adorable I could just ogle at her all day. gosh, she's such an Egyptian Sweetheart.

Went to other Gramp's place cause Jay was in town. GRRR. i'm not into meeting people when I feel i've got a damn sun implanted in my very soul. but nonetheless, not like anyone cared anyway. cause "serves me right" is all i got.

you gave me that
top of the ferris wheel
under the Black Sea
freedom with license to kill
can kiss the moon
but I'd rather kiss you
antigravity
infinite
newlife
safetybar
freshly painted canvas
feeling.

Boy, it feels good to blog again, although i think i wouldn't be very consistant especially as it gets closer to The O Levels.
I can't wait.

Czech vs Italy match. 2-0. Now, i'm glad. No, actually top of the world, effing mad, glad. I knew Italy would shine through. These italians are really good at making a breakthrough. So good for you.

Ghana vs US. Was an extremely HAHAHAH match. Dont know much cause I was mostly watching the Italy match. But yeah. GO UNDERDOGS! Ghana has eminently shown their worth. Boo Ya freaking Americans.

About an hour till Brazil vs Japan & Australia vs Croatia match. It's killing me cause I feel like shit right now, but I'm going to catch it & nothing, just NOTHING can bring me down. I predicting a win of 2-0 to Brazil and probably a draw for the Aussie vs Croatia match. Firstly, i detest Croatia and I doubt Aussie will shine through. Well, we'll see about that.

Dear Self,

You really aren't that bright.
Everytime you have a chance to talk to him, you scurry off like a scared rabbit.
Jeeze, girl. Get your shit together.

Love,
Dinisha

Seriously man.

I'm still hiding behind the music with a token of you around my wrist
& hidden tears behind artificially brown eyes.

Man, i suck ):

din

Wednesday, June 21

i thought England played so darn well during the first-half! but nbcb, 2-2!!!!!!!

effing disgusting. i seriously thought England could kick some swede butt.

as much as i would think J. Cole is GAY, he played really well making so many shots and also placing one beautiful goal in. So props to him (: and man was i pissed when they put Crouch in. Like $%#@(*&^%!@&^%!!! I just cannot stand Crouch. There should be a height or weight limit for soccer players to avoid clanky & clumsy players like him.

And Rooney looked so fed up when he was taken off the field cause the docs only said he could play 45-60 mins max. Boy, was i glad to see Gerrard. which wasn't a bad choice of substitute at all, considering the fact that i was hoping for Theo to come on, but yeah, he scored an incredible header & also that save. He really was at the right place at the right time.

I was kinda hoping for Sweden to win at first, then i changed my mind cause of their pathetic playing in the first half. Sorry Ljunberg [you know i'll always love you] but wowiee, think they must have gotten some ass-whooping during half-time and they put in 2 goals.

And whats up with the goalies. Robinson! gawd. what a fool, the ball was coming at him at a probable 4 m/s. Freaking potek.

Right now, i'm drained. Kudos to Psycho Mum, i only had 5 hours of sleep.

Yesterday was pretty fun. Went out with Jihan for a study-date. had a gazongkas amount of fun.

Jihan, you're the best (:

and then on the way to Gelare, there was this ang moh guy who was TOTALLY CHECKING JIHAN OUT. AHAHAHAHAH. unfortunately, she wasn't a least bothered by it & well, he smokes. BOO YA!

Portugal vs Mexico later t'day.

I expect a whole lot more from you, Figo.

LOVES.

din

Hey! I'm back from my month-long hiatus, unfortunately with no new template, so for that i apologize. figured, i can't do html to save my life, so yeah, i'll just have to wait for someone to make one for me. *hint hint*

The holidays have been jam-packed with txtbook lovin', tonnes of book-borrowing, teeny bit of going out, and oh my gazongkaz, SOCCER baby! The holidays wouldn't be worth while without soccer. its taken sacrificing my sleep to a whole new level. haven't been sleeping much, which i am totally okay with but apparently its weakened my immune system. okay, whatev.

my posts are going to be single-dayed so read up alright! if you miss it then i guess..

too bad.

theres tonnes of things i want to blog about but i'm drained to the very kazongkle of the earth. Blog tomorrow. Word.

off to watch England vs Sweden. Becks, show me some love ;)

i envy the willpower of anorexic people.

din

Tuesday, May 30

a month full of surprises
don't rain on me.

June's flared. I know i mentioned that it dosen't really feel like June cause of the annoying extra lessons but despite it all, I think I'm going to have quite a fair bit of fun.

Beginning with my pampering I wrote about in the previous entry. So yeah, it's set. Thursday, 12 pm Manicure&Padicure. Along with a hair cut (if I'm up to it) with Shanti. Finally, some quality time. High Lunch after that.

Then plans after that coming up. Like swimming-dates, dinners, siglap starbucks-ing and not forgetting studying of course. no play without study right? so yeah, booked some people already. Sam&AnnHin, Kishen&Dinesh, Karan(my friendly sajc neighbour) and NAD! heeh. My sajc motivation (:

so book me now, i'm high in demand.

Caught fanaa last night. Not bad. Loved the POETRY! omfg. i want the Script of the movie SO BAD. I'm so gonna get the dvd.

School today. Eight to Four-Thirty. Became Nine to Five. That's like a whole day at an office job. Gosh. After that, I was practically drained. So goddamned tired.

10-ed back home and caught abit of Oprah on Brooke's story. Wow. it just amazed me about her feelings toward her baby. the baby she wanted so much she went throguh IVF. and in the end, she felt the baby was tearing her life apart. even thoughts of killing herself and stuff. i mean who thought this kinda stuff would happen to a well-established, debonair movie star?

astonishing.

did some elearn homework to sorta get my momentum going. Kishen'sbeen studying shit! i mean he studied the night of MT Os! i mean, there i was anticipating woohoooness. Gosh.

so yeah, Cannot backslide.

School tomorrow. Social Studies followed by Geog, Lunch then English till 3.30
HMM. busy busy day tomorrow.

Gonna play pool soon. Hope my luck's still intact (:

Sweet child of mine,
stop crying your heart out
you know you're not worth the pain.

Die! Fairytales Die!
May you have a blessed time in hell.

din

Monday, May 29

din

Thursday, May 25

Peace is a lie, there is only passion
Through passion, I gain strength
Through strength, I gain power
Through power, I gain victory
Though victory, my chains are broken

The force shall set me free

Today officially marks the best malay lesson ever in the history of all my years in St. Hilda's Sec. Its a pity that it was the second last (or maybe not) till the Os.

I just want to individually thank everyone of my malay aquaintences. So yes, thank you Sharifah, Fatimah, Rafidah, Suhailah, Elfirah, Qarihah, Hajar, Hidayah, Mary, Yaqin, Khalid and Salihin. Thanks for making my malay learning experience worth while.

cause i couldn't have done it without you guys

Malay Os this monday. All the way yeah? heh. Loves.


Although i must add that Hidayah was being a pain in the ass. Heh, you know it Hidayah. And she isn't a very good 'secret' keeper. Hahah. How Dare She? Hahahah. but nonetheless, its been fun sitting next to her. Howdy Partner (:

Oh and remember i said i screwed up peribahasa and etc etc, well turns out i aced all of them. whoa! i'm extremely proud of myself. however i have to keep my momentum going, this calls for no such celebration.

Nothing much happened on Wednesday just that we went to the Jamiyah home which was a good experience really. it is then that we learn how to appreciate.

well well. God Bless you all, each and every one of you.

I've got a date with my books now.

juicy.

din

Tuesday, May 23

Hey there. Haven't been having much time to blog. Had to concentrate on my malay. Got to get my B3.

cause he once mentioned,
anything's possible
if you put your heart & soul to it.

So the weekend went alright. Caught Cayote Ugly for the very first time cause apparently, i've been jinxed not to watch it whenever it popps up on the telly. So I just had to watch it.

After that I did a fair amount of malay then headed down to tampines to meet KangWei & AnnHin to go get JunHao's gift. In which Annhin totally played us out cause she already bought something earlier from CityLink. HMM. So that left me and KangWei going bananas cause we all know, Jun isn't a very easy guy to please. Right MetroMan? Heh. wanted to get some cool superman thing, which i think he just grew fond of recently, but we were in Tampines Mall, how unglam.

So AnnHin got him cool Quicksilver Slippers, 2 sizes bigger, in which she gave him the reciept but not to look at the price. Right. KangWei got him an England World Cup Tee from Converse and I got him a mini cooler bottle from Converse, which is quite cute actually and so that he could add on to his mini-bottle collection. Hah. K, i totally made that up. Oh and my Rockin' Royal Productions card as well. What's a birthday without it?

Malay Mock Test on Monday. I think i screwed up my peribahasa, my bina ayat and my terangkan perkataan/kata-kata. which pretty much leaves me with, well, not very much. just hope I'll be able to pull it off. hmm.

caught The Da Vinci Code with my folks and brother.
Incredibly FICTIONAL.
blasphemous to the very knnccb core.

But i loved it. I thought Ron Howard directed a very good interpretation of the book really. More than i expected of it since interpretations of Harry Potter, The Secret Garden, etc etc, have not been exactly pleasing.

Who is God?
Who is man?

can we ever really answer these questions? Was Mary Magdelene really Jesus' Wife? Are we all worshipping something that does not exist? Is there a possibility that a descendantof Jesus still walks this earth?

Who knows?

whatever it is,
God is great (:
without a doubt.

Skipped my very last sports day but then again, we never had one in the first place so it would have been my first but what the heck, high jump is just not my kinda thing. Tell me to run, i'll run, tell me to jump, i'll neglect every possible opportunity. Okay, maybe not that bad, but I just wasn't in the mood. Had to go back to Kampung anyway. lol.

My tutor was like, eh if you go JC ah, i'll write you a letter to the teacher-in-charge;
Dear So and So,
Please excuse my student of several years from taking normal malay and allow her to take ML B Syallbus because her malay sucks and sucks and sucks and sucks and sucks.
Yours Sincerely,
Cikgu ****.

HMM. wtf
My cikgu's gone nuts. but its a fact and i've got to pull up my socks, and fast. Oh and congrats to my cikgu who got a place as a malay Lit teacher at St Andrew's Secondary as well as a part-time teacher at SAJC. woohooo cikgu!

I really need this though. Really, really do.
Anyways, Snow Patrol's new album is da BOMB! very cool lyrics i must say. think its the best theyve ever written (:

Put sufjan stevens on
And we'll play your favourite song
Chicago bursts to life
And your sweet smile remembers you

Hands Open
Snow Patrol

i want one of those Logitech Orbit Cams.
They're like DAMN COOL la

This was not your dream
But you still stood by me

din

Saturday, May 20

It didn't exactly occur to me but I'm going on a cruise having watched Poseidon. Marvelous. what the hell was I thinking?

i mean the movie wasn't that scary or anything but hey, anything could happen right? gosh.

but the movie was really good. had its good moments, sad ones, fucking brilliant plots and the list goes on. it never was anything like titanic in which i totally expected it to be. just the whole ship sinking thing but otherwise it was vastly different and it kept me at the edge of my seat, UNliterally.heh.

it was like a mix of Armegedon & Titanic.

Armanic Rojak.

anyways, chris & dylan (stage names) from Poseidon were hot! (: scrumptous, really.

i'd give this one an eight.

we don't expect
we recieve

with arms wide open

bon voyage.

din

Piano was exceptionally fun today. I used to dread practical cause I didn't want to have to read the damn notes and cause, proudly to say, i always top the country for my Theory (:

But t'day was just really relaxing and very cheery. like Mdm Yeo told me about so many things that happened to her which i shant delve into for privacy purposes but there was one thing she said, "if you think you only have one life, get rich. get really REALLY rich. you might as well go for it." which is utterly logical.

I mean, yeah i do want to grow up earning big bucks and blah blah but why not attain the best? we can't turn back time. time is our only hurdle and overcoming it will do us good. so i pledge from this day onwards to work my butt off and do so damn well for my Os it would automatically tape everyone, who didn't think i could do it, shut.

Then i shall choose my preffered tertiary direction be it JC or Poly. Preffably JC since they don't have what i aspire to do in Singapore. So yeah, do that, reach for the best of my ability and get into a good course in NUS (that is if i deviate my current aspirations) or go overseas. Princeton is the dream varsity. From there, i will strive for whats right for me cause why waste time? time is of the essence.

I don't want to look down on myself, feel dumb or anything of that sort because I know for a fact that i am highly capable of doing anything if i put my heart and soul into it. I've learnt that having a passion for something gets your far. For me, it proved in my Chemistry. I'm not exactly eccentric about my Chem marks but according to Bakar, with this attitude towards Chem, i'll be able to get the grade. the one everyone wants. as for me, needs.

Anyways, tday's been a rough day starting with art which i totally detested cause i just wasnt in the mood, then i met Sam at the library. chatted till three then went off for piano.

another malay composition awaits me
but today's been to much of a hassle.
i fail to cease such a beautiful day
but how to? when it crapped all over me.

its hilarious sometimes, even delirious.

and it never gets any better than this

so I'm going for Poseidon with the folks (: don't a vast amount of fam building since Dads not gonna be in town for a couple of weeks.
Day Cruise tomorrow! really looking forward to it. it feels so damn good with just the 5 of us. i'm just glad to be in the moment.

so unless my brother's laptop refuses to work on board the ship tomorrow, i'll try my very best to post an entry to tell you guys how my day went.

if not, just keep reminding yourself that I'm on a Very Large Ship having the Absolute time of my life while you guys are cooped up in your tiny little homes mugging for the mother tounge Os.

all the best for the mt o's preps people!

get it right the first time, and you'll never have t do it again.

Ever.

din

hey all

mid-years didn't go so well. but i did expect such loser-assed marks. science was a shocker. i really thought i could pull it off with my ultra good chem marks but noooo. i missed by 2 marks? 3 marks? HMM. felt kinda dumb the whole day at school today.

i mean it kinda sucks when you get the paper and you just wanna stab yourself right in the heart but you can't cause you just have to put that geeky smile on your face.

but then again, it's just mid years. i dont even think i'd wanna count the points for this one. i'll wait till prelims and i know i said before that i'd prove myself for mid years, well, i take my stupid words back. i have to admit, i didn't study. maybe i did but not to where i was supposed to.

heats after school.
our class got disqualified immediately
cause one of my classmates got the timing wrong

so yet another let-down

i deprecate days like these.

so feeling like shit today, i did what i thought was right. yes, sleep. for like a good 4 hours? until my Dad knocks on my door telling me to get ready for formal dinner. since we were pretty late, Mum agreed on going to Parkway for Fine Dining. and since my mum has a cladestine love for thai food, we dined at Parkway Thai, which has the best prawns ever. For desert we gluttened at Andersen's. Had the choc fondue;

good aye?

heh. took loads of pics but uploading them takes ages and its 1 in the morning and i have to be up by 8. well well well. long day ahead. school, tuition, piano.

this is the part where i start to bite my nails

and clean my room when all else fails

god bless you all

din

Thursday, May 18

It has evidently not been a very good day for the fellow Arsenal fans ):
i mean, i knew for a fact that Barca was flat down stronger team but somehow, i just had confidence in Arsenal and the thing was they were leading in the first quater. ugh then Barca just HAD to steal every bit of Arsenal's pride.

but the amount of pressure but on poor, poor Arsenal was so top of the notch, its not even funny!
well i think the freekick from Henry and the header by Campbell was phenomenal. yay Englishman! hahah.

goal by Eto'o, you just knew they were in for another one. knn, 2-1. i'll blame it all on the damn rain.

rain rain, go away
never come back another effing day

was a good match though. worth my dismissal of sleep, so yeah. GREAT final, i must say.
heh, now i just cannot wait for World Cup. I'm becoming more and more soc savvy day by day and i like it (: heh, there is more to soccer than all you bozos think.

so yeah, about today. spent the entire day at Sue's. Had bundles and bundles of fun. Got SOME malay done, which i shall be proud of myself for. then the rest of the day was in her room, going to Mobil which is apparently not very easy to get to considering the amount of obstacles we had to overcome. hah. Nic and Sue will know what i'm talking about. Yeah. then we check out houses along sennet lane. omg, there was this house, which looked like a castly sanctuary. No.3 Sennet Lane! i absolutely Love whoever owns it. seriously man, real nice house.

then we baked cookies (: almond shortbread cookies. yummmmm. they were sut out in flowers, hearts and stars. not forgetting the love dedicated cookie tray.heh and guess what? i got to be jamie oliver for the whole time and employed 2 slaves, nic and sue who were overly paid with 10 cents and hour. Now, thats an offer hard to reject, don't you think?

fooled around, ate dinner then played BLINK, which is a reasonably Fun game to play, while watching AMI. BooYa Elliot. Hah! Go back to Loserinia.

That's for kicking my darling Chris out of ami.

got home to an indeed very Loving Mom. I missed her. Now that she's back to her loving self, i'm once again proud to be The Dinisha Thadani. the one she brought up from crayons to perfume.

it's her birthday tomorrow. we're treating her out to dinner since Dad may not be back from Hong Kong. But if he is, then I guess the very beautiful blue note could be slipped back into my pocket. wouldn't we like that (:

a day of no school rocked. there should be more days like these.

oh yeah, and Ronin came to school yesterday to perform. Althought it was pretty dumb cause imagine this; a headbanging mini rock concert in the school hall while we were all sitting down, some even dozed off. amazing at how they could do it with such loud music. fascinating.

but yeah, i thought it was pretty cool for the teachers to actually welcome such performances. so i guess i'd like to declare that the teachers in school aren't that dominating with no lives and that they are quite cool really.

4 hours of malay y'day.

i could have frigging died on the very spot.

Zaiton's just so goddamned monotone.

so thats my thursday.

Off to do malay now.

Kish, if you're reading, Call Me one of these days yea? Cheers Dude.

Take Care my Pretties.

whats that you say?
has this world gone nuts
i'm unable to comprehend
save me. help me.

i need a goddamned life.

its not that i'm still in love with you, i just cant forget you.

din

Tuesday, May 16

Greetings my pretties!
so Mum's Day went alright. i guess, one things for sure that we all do need days where we can be thankful for someone because of his/her purpose on earth. so yeah, nomatter how aggrivating and utterly disturbing to the auditory organ the nagging may get, i'm grateful to have my mum witnessing me through my adolescence.

we went to Pasta Fresca By The Beach for dinner (: don't recall what i consumed for dinner but boy, the food was awesome, i'll say. top of the notch pastas. the pizzas weren't as satisfying but they still tasted splendid. And not forgetting the adorable guy who sings at restaurants for a living. Who played glorious songs by Cat Stevens, John Denver and many many more. the place was exceptionally romantic and just perfect. it had an amazing view from where we were of the sea and we all have to agree that the sea looks amazing at high-tide. beeaaauuuttiiffuull. there are 2 seaters placed closely to the sea, which is romantic, unless you're sea-sick of course. hahahah and it's so damn near from where i live! and i've only been there like twice? shame on me.

sueann, i reckon we feast there for our girl's night out (:

School today was alright. Last paper! woohoooo! which means, time to mug and slog for the Malay Os. Groan.

After school we attended the e-learning course. fun fun fun. Joshua Loi's suggestions and comments were just hilarious! hahah especially about bullies, as my fellow Hildans would know. Its this really cool system, apparently invented by a student, which allows us to attain and subit homework and tasks from the teacher to the student and vice versa. also, there are forums where students can make suggestions and comment on current St Hilda's Affairs or even national/international occurances. which is pretty cool i must say. So its a whole online-based thing so that if viruses attacks Singapore, we'd still be able to get our homework done.
DARN when you come to think of it. No escape there it seems.

Yup so i stumbled on this on e-learn tday;

For those who enjoy language

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Lol.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In Feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

yup this is for the non-hildans. happy reading (:
there is one more about Al-Gebra which is really cool.

but i figured i'm getting too redundant and i have a malay composition to sumbit by tonight.
oh! and by the way, Joel's band, Massecreation is starring as a guest band at Taste Ov Insanity in Penang in July. cool huh? heh. cheers to you guys.

no drugs!!! no violence!!! no alcohol!!! just pure music!!!

Rock On Jo (:

okay then, toodle-oo guys.

yours truely,

din

Saturday, May 13

Photos of Mum's Day Present, as promised.

this is what was written on the white paper on the present

the card interior

bird's-eye view

my baby Pumpkin! miss you girlie.

yeah i know, how random. but shes my sweetie pie, but she went today with Ebony [her sister] to live with my cousins mohit & arisha. really hope they take good care of them. so im left with Socks and Princess (: Love them so damn much.

I totally embarrased myself by tearing at their departure. but really, it was so sad seeing them go away. Oh well, at least i know theyre in good hands and i can go visit! yay! Pumpkin, here i come baby.

Awww.

So yeah, Mums day presents (: nice huh? Theyre by Rockin' Royal Productions. For all you people who know how talented I am at card-making, do spread the word.

For enquires, please call 91378281 (:

lovelove.

din

how long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
water's getting harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

if i could just see you
everything would be alright
if i could see you
this darkness would turn to light

and i will walk on water
and you will catch me if i fall

Thursday went great. Long-long day which almost got my mum all worried till she called my dad overseas, but it was all worth it. Watched Final Destination 3 and omfg, it scared the shit out of me. it was cool and all but ugh, gruesome's the word?
so yeah.

from school, i hurried down to grandma's house to get my mums day gift which i conveniently left when i went there to get my phone. so yes, another unnessessary trip made. left katong at around 6 and managed to reach tampines fifteen minutes before seven. but number 10 rocks. it's so damn frickydicky fast.

and SAJC won 3-0 to TPJC! woohoooo! you go SA! heh. and i pinned my first try in guessing the score. am i good or what?

SA, the dream school.
-coughs-
lets get back to reality.

Dinner at swensens. talked about music, school, loads of JC talk, which was actually quite overwhelming. i mean, i never thought the people in jc would be backstabbers for one, and just plain hard-core irritating it would be so disturbing to the damn eye-ball. i mean i thought secondary school was bad enough. oh well, i'll just face it. me wanting to go to JC is one thing. Getting there is another.

well, cheers to Nad, Wei Ming and Gerry for a prosperous JC life.

the beginning is yet the struggle

reached home close to eleven-thirty to find my lil brat of a brother awake, without the knowledge of my mum, of course. anddid i mention that he's a brat from hell!

me: Jashan, go to bed. it's way past your bedtime. eh, go get me the cordless.
jashan: yeah okay [and goes on playing with his toys]
me: JASHAN!
jashan: i'll get it. [goddammed long pause] eventually.

to them, it may all seem very overpowering.
to me, its just a heell load amount of watching too much teevee.
there was once where i asked him to go fetch me something and he said 'yeah, i'll mull over it'

what a scorny little brat. and he's a freaking 10 year old. like Grow Up already.
brat.

malay Os are in exactly 2 weeks and 2 days.
lets just say i'm praying for a miracle i would chance upon.

face it, my malay sucks to the very core.

life's been extremely discontentful.
not that i'm overwhelmed by it to make this seem a least bit depressing of an entry, but i dont know, its just too hard to comprehend or to even annotate.

barely surviving has become my purpose
'cause i'm so used to living underneath the surface.

din

Wednesday, May 10

Have i ever mentioned that I absolutely love Chris Daughtry from American Idol? Cause I do! Hahah.

Went to watch MI3 with Sam and Ann Hin yesterday after Chem paper. It was incredibly good. I wouldn't say it's the best out of the three, but it was unpredictable and I am a # 1 fan of unpredictable movies.

cause predictable films are so passe

And yes, Chem paper. Infinitely mediocre. Loved it but hated Endo&Exo. They were just way over my capabilities. I really hope I'll pull it off. And if i do, it proves my ability to major in Chemistry in years to come. Well, not really but it will eventually boost my love for Chemistry thus urging me to major ina chemisrty-based field, namely, forensic science, as you all may know by now (:

call me weird
but eventually, its up to me

to decide.

so that's probably how the mid-week went, exams & a little bit of excitement. oh and did i also mention that i love Tom Cruise and if not for Katie Holmes, he would have been mine? Hah. But yeah, he's hot.

Meeting up with the guys tomorrow for dinner and maybe a movie. Finally, it's been really long since I've seen them. So yes, long day tomorrow. Chem & Physics paper one along with E Math paper one. Fun Fun Fun.

it's falling in love with them
that makes a difference.

Fun Fact # 1
dinitrogen oxide exists (:

evidently, named after dinisha (me), the great one.
I am so honoured. A gas named after me. How good can life get?

Heh. Forgive my bullshit, but my name is an unthought rarity.
For this, I shall spread my oXiDeLoVe

kisskisshughug
go dwell in my presence.

din

Sunday, May 7

you have turned my morning into dancing
you have turned my sorrow into joy

HMM.
dad's not entirely keen on getting mum the locket for mum's day. says he's got a surprise and didn't want to blow it's cover. well well well. we'll see who's surprise is better, shall we. dad, you're on!

what i've decided to do is to thank mum for the gift of music. how? i'll post pictures soon enough.

anyways
i finally swallowed the truth about dad's favourite saying.
"the more you study,
the more you realise you dont know"

needless to say, he's always right. grrr.

the first week of exams have litterally stabbed me in the heart.
i dont know, but i'm kinda excited for this weeks papers.
geog
math
chem
physics pp1

they make life ALOT easier to comprehend.
i'm just praying that i'll score so bloody well for physics pp1 to pull my intended-to-flunk physics pp2.
we'll see.

so,
General Elections 2006
82 out of 84 seats to the People's Action Party.
one to WP (hougang)
and one to SDA

none to SDP. hah.
but on top of that PAP calls SDP LIARS and were going to sue them, maybe they still are. i tend to be politically incorrect at times. so yeah

Singapore's new insight: PAP is the perfect system. or rather, it is the only system we know and want for the smooth running of our country. My folks would agree. They witnessed the racial riots as kids and my dad was saved by one of the PAP guys from almost getting his head chopped off. without unknown PAP guy, imagine, i wouldn't be here to spread my knowledge and love, making a difference in people's lives. at least that's what i intend to do. heh.

so three cheers on that, although my leader for my area, Joo Chiat GRC is Mr Chan Soo Sen, who is quite annoying really but all in all, he's a fucking brilliant man, or so we all may assume.

geog & math pp2 tomorrow. holy cow. i've practically given up for environment, its just too much to consume. i'll just choose development over environment, provided development is attemptable.

sometimes it feels that no one understands
i don't even know why i do the things i do
when pride builds me up till i can see my soul
will you break down these walls and pull me through.

i am my own motivation.

din

Friday, May 5

the grey ceiling on the earth
well it's lasted for a while
take my thoughts for what they're worth
i've been acting like a child
your opinion, what is that?
it's just a different point of view

what else, what else can i do
i said i'm sorry, yeah i'm sorry
i said i'm sorry but what for
if i hurt you then i hate myself
i don't want to hate myself
don't want to hurt you

why do you choose your pain
if you only knew
how much i love you (love you)

i wont be your winter
& i wont be anyone's excuse to cry
& we can't be forgiven
& i will be here

oh picture on the shelf
it's been there for a while
a frozen image of ourselves
we were acting like a child

innocence in a trance
a dance that lasted for a while
read my eyes just like a diary
oh remember, please remember

well, i'm not a beggar but once more
if i hurt you then i hate myself
i dont want to hate myself
dont want to hurt you

why do you choose that pain
if you only knew
how much i love you

i won't be your winter
& i won't be anyone's excuse to cry
& we can't be forgiven
& i will be here

-your winter
Duncan Sheik

thought:
people live secret lives. somehow, we just don't know it. maybe not yet. and when we do, we get upset, we fell agitated and have the desire to find out what's behind those eyes. those eyes who saw you through hardship, made you feel you meant something, motivated you through every bit of your 'adolescence'.

we all want to know. we all want to care. we just give too much of a damn, it gets exasperating sooner or later. it never meant to be this way. everyone was just supposed to live life day to day accepting life's every torment of rides. there were not supposed to be foolish masquerades prancing the streets. it sucks to know that, everyone else lives behind-the-scenes, and maybe you dont. you might, but you just dont realise it.

the set stage,
the lone stool,
the puppeteer of my own demise,
the writer of my own tragedy

i.

ohmygodupthereinheaven, i was on my way for tuition when i decided to stop by at cheers (kembangan) to get some chocs when, before my very eyes, stood the Lime Magazine issue for May with Adam Brody utilising the entire front cover of the mag. Oh yeah. heh. my love for him lives on. it's almost cladestine! heh. but yeah, although i've never bought a Lime Mag in my entire teenhood, this is considered my first! but it's for a good cause (:

yeah, so mother's day is on the rise.
Good Lord. what the hell should i get psycho mum?
saw this really nice heart shaped locket on the net.



nice nice? it's about 40 bucks or so. not bad aye? so goddammed reasonable. and i get to engrave mother's day 2006 on it! anyways, tag me if you like it yeah?

back to hit the books.

they've become the love of my life.

din

Thursday, May 4

oh my GOD i am extremely muddled over the disgusting and excruciatingly abitious Physics paper there ever was to roam the school in the history of Physcis- paper-setting - considering the fact that I studied like a mad fuck the couple of days before. english was mediocre although summary writing was totally fucked.

Lord Ku said "there are more than fifteen points in the passage so dont come telling me you can't find the points" hell. there really wern't any points about lameass Dick Cheney except for paragraph five. and whats the deal with his motive. nincumpooply contradictory.

whoever proclaimed life's a bed of roses
whoever said life's a circus

go eat yourself.

Well, all i can say is that if i manage to scrape through my Physics, it is purely because of my ability to bullshit. i'm just discontented. it's not fair. i'd never know if i'm certain of getting a mark cause i practically crapped over the entire paper. heh.

i shall now go kill myself.

oh well.
SS tomorrow.
fantastic

i'm so goddammed tired
just when i thought it wouldn't get any worse.

oh c'mon, its only the BLOODY MID YEARS.
don't make me hate mugging because of shitcrap papers you guys conveniently prepare for us to somehow bawl all over.

thank you.

i need mr ng's bread.

i'm going to delve myself in a load of crap now, better known as ss.
wish me fucking well.

din

Tuesday, May 2

I hate the way you talk to me
and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick
it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

Not even close
Not even a little bit

Not even at all.

10 Things I Hate About You starring Heath Ledger & Julia Stiles.

Blog again a little later on
It's becoming a bore
Believe me
I'm not in a state to fathom it any bit more.

Believe it or not,


Even angels fall.

din

Monday, May 1

if everyone cared, nobody'd cry.
if everyone loved, nobody'd lie.

call me provocative, call me intoxicating
but this is just the way its meant to be
i cant believe anymore
because seeing is believing

but then again "ignorance is bliss"
once again, i demand indifference.

So the weekend went pretty prosaic. Not that it ever was salubrious to start with in the first place. Nonetheless, I was quite productive really. Helped Dad a little (the most i could) but I doubt I'd be getting any credit, not like I ever do anyway. Studied a fair bit. I realized, I really really need to.

exams are around the corner.
though they dont count for nothing
but somehow,
I am Affected out of my own will

its hard not to be

and evidently, running away solves everything (:

Spend the day at Jihan's. Watched 10 Things I Hate About You. Greatest chick flick of all time. And the songs they used were undoubtly annus mirabilis. Loved it. And then while studying, which we didn't really manage to, I initiated an orange eating contest. Which turned out to be some fun really. Although I didn't win even for both rounds. But Jihan's got skill. Skill in eating oranges. HAHAH. Hi, I'm Jihan. Master to eating oranges (: hahah. Bite me.

I <3 Heath Ledger & Chris Daughtry! Lovelove.

Then I headed off to SSC where I studied a little and got myself a watch at the bazaar. It's pretty cool, unlike all my other oh-so-boring-it-makes-you-wanna-puke watches. After which I helped Dad and then on the way home, I told Manoj the Bus Joke. HAHAH! It's so goddammed funny.

And now I'm knnccbf squandered.

I so want the Espirit tee and the worldcup bag.
And what do you know, I'ts the beginning of the month (:
Sigh ):
And again, I'm gonna be broke before I know it

So unless my folks refuse to up my monthly allowance,
I shall go make my own S Elevens.

For all you bozos who doubt it,

just watch me.

I'm outtie, Malay LC tomorrow.


Holy Cow.

din

Saturday, April 29

GO PAP!

din

Friday, April 28

I need energy food.

Supply me with a dozen crates of Red Bull and get a months supply of digestive busicuits. A bargain, unworthy of turning down dont you think? Heh. But yeah, I'm incrdibly exhausted nowadays not cause I'm working my butt of but cause I think too much. Thinking too much is highly fatal apparently. It scars you off your daily routine forcing you into the realm of dreams, you obviously don't have sufficient time for.

Yesterday went great. Met up with Gervais, Wei Ming and Gerry after Geog Remedial. Slacked a whole lot, altough I had two papers tday, but they were only English and Malay Paper 1, which went alright. Screwed up English Letter Writing but it was because I spent too much time on my compo. Oh well. Anyways, not gonna delve into yesterday. Had a truckload amount of fun though and I thank every one of them for being really supportive in my beliefs and my expectations They're the best (:

Today was so-so. Papers in the morning, followed by Mrs Liester's Meeting, grabbed a bite with Aaron then headed down to Parkway to collect my Sim Card and get a petite brolly I could fit into my bag. Yeah, pretty long cause my Dad apparently forgot to send in the application. So that solved the problem of my Sim, now the phone. Ugh. I'll be using another v3 on tuesday. But I'm kinda sick of it. I want a walkman phone but I already have my IPod Video. Groan. I'm befuddled.

So Mid Years have officially begun. I want this to be the chance for me to prove my ability before Prelims. I guess it'll just boost my esteem in achieveing my goals. Something I lack in greatly. Well, I guess I want it so bad to work for it. Science, Math, English & Art are pretty much guaranteed. It's Humans and Malay which give me the jitters. Bless my helpless soul somebody?!? Heh.

Tomorrow's a long day starting off with helping Dad with the sale. I want to earn myself some bucks. I just got to. So thats the whole morning then I guess it's studystudystudy tillmyeyesdropout studystudystudy for the rest of my Saturday. Guess that's the way it's meant to be.

live your dreams
its not as hard as it may seem
you got to work to get the cream
on your hopes you must lean

its all or nothing
give your everything

Till we meet again, Good Day folks.

din

Tuesday, April 25

The court is adjourned
I've made my volition
Its me against everything else

Help. You've just got to.

As for the dude who took my phone without right or permission or in other words, stole it, may you burn in hell.

So the weekend went absolutely great. Met up with the guys on Saturday for Gervais' Barbeque competently organised by the wonderful Ms Cheryl (: Wasn't a very huge group of us so I guess it was less claustrophobic and well, I had my share of fun. Gervais hasn't changed except for the fact that he's put on weight and well mastered stuff which i shall choose not to delve into. Nonetheless I was flabergastedlyatrociouslyabsolutelyglad to see him and all the others. Although Nad wasn't there ):

Got great songs, courtesy of Wei Ming, into my IPod. He's seriously one heck of a muscically inclined dude I can relate with. Hell Yeah! Its pretty hard spotting people who have the same musical taste as you, really.

Today, on the other hand, was just terrible. Got a hell load amount of shit from Jun and Jon. Ugh. They never cease to laugh the crap out of me. The whole Caleb thing totally made me roll on the floor laughing. Okay maybe not. But then came AnnHin with her freezing lameness.

LUD - Laugh Until Die
LMAO - Laughing My Ass Off

Somehow, I love being in class. With Jun, Ann and Kangwei there, it just makes the boring-ol singapore education worth while. So glad for Lord K to seat us together. God please Bless his soul.

Art after school along with Chem then scurried off to tuition. Then we went over to Novena Square for Free Ice-Cream! Its apparently Ben&Jerry's Anniversary and so its sort of part of the B&J tradition to hand out free ice-cream to the public on this very day. 25th April is marked on my calendar (:

Thanks V. You never fail to brighten up my day. May peace be brought upon you. Bless you my child (:

I'm never gonna doubt you
You are here to educate me
So I'm sorry
I'll never doubt you again, Lord K.

By popular demand, I will change my blogskin cause it apparently causes mental derangement. Well, I'll change one as soon as possible. I'm planning to change to livejournal, cause bloggers just too screwed and I'd post photos and stuff (: Maybe get shutterfly or something. Okay maybe after MidYears. So I'm terribly sorry. Forgive my innocent soul. Heh.

din

Friday, April 21

Hallucinating is not as fun as it seems, it actually scares you shitless.

Today was normal, nothing much that could add on to my already jinxed life, just that i lost my cell phone.

Incompetently, of course.

How could I have been so nonchalant? So careless? So damn irresposible? But then again, what's new right? I felt so lost, so unwhole, so disheartened. I mean, how was I supposed to carry on with life? But then came along Ms Jihan Bok, Creator of all things beautiful, saying that its a damn phone I've lost here, not my heart! Which is extremely true.

And then there was Ms Foo Sue Ann, who was totally God Sent. I love her so damn much. She was all the help I needed and I appreciate it. A thousand, nine-hundred and eighty-three kisses to you.

i'd never doubt
even the trivial bits
that you have brought me
to comprehend

so, for that, i thank you.

Now that it's been approximately a day since i have been separated from my cell, I realise that there is, for a fact, more things to life than a piece of gorgeous accessory, so useful yet so capable of ruining your life in its absence. For one, I would not be distracted by the availabilty of texting anyone, cam-whoring, or even gazing at its beauty just for the sake of it. This would thus allow me to concentrate on my work and leaving me uncontactable at all times. What a wonderful world, I'd be living in. Ugh, I still cant get over the dementia of my loss. May you rest in peace in another owner's care. I'll always love you.

PS. I'm hoping that someday, you'll be able to comprehend my impotence.

din

Tuesday, April 18

I'm allergic to JunHao.

Nonetheless, i shall not oblige to mull over it and earn myself some justice.

Today was magnificent Tuesday, during English, the entire class was rather engaged in 'Pyramid', the reality game show and well, our group didn't win, but it wasn't exactly legitimate. For all you peeps who've forgotten the telly show aired quite some years back, its the one which starred the provocative and sensuous Darrel David. For all of you who still have no clue, go drown yourselves. Heh.

Topic: With Love
Dinisha: A series of verses in which, normally, a guy would read out to a girl.
AnnHin: You are so pretty.
Rest of the Class including Lord Kuku Head: [bursts out laughing]

I mean where's the link? The answers Poetry! But the best was Aaron & Jihan's rendition;

Aaron: Dinisha loves to say lame _____.
Jihan: Jokes!
Correcto! Just so damn unnessessary of Aaron. Jerk. Heh. And again;

Aaron: Sue Ann & Fairuz's relationship was very _____.
Jihan: Gross!
Hahah! Now, that's funny, and forgive me Sue Ann, but somewhat very undoubted.

I'm all geared up.
Even got my lucky hat on.
I'm here to serve what is righteous (or so i think)
I'm fighting a battle

A battle against myself.

I don't know what I'm going to do if i fail terribly to get into a JC or Poly of my choice. I'd probably never be able to forgive my sorry-ass. It's terrifying really, to think that you've got it all under control when you indubitably, deep down inside, know that you're a complete wreck.

Mr Ong's dropping by our class tomorrow during English Period. Another day of 'Pyramid'. I can already taste the relish of the beguilement. Sweet.

din

Monday, April 17

I live life on the edge. I make big mistakes. I recover from them only to make the same mistakes again. Lines and joints, my vice of choice, the vice I love in which I've abstained from a period of time. Legal or otherwise, only God can judge me.

You know, its finally come to me that all these years, I've always been heavily weighed down by the restrictions (or so I may have thought) of my beliefs. But I've realised that there are just too many things which cannot be categorised.

Tattoos for one, all along i thought were wrong and against some form self-misusing theory and against God and religion itself. But no.. As long as we don't ink cultish or Satanic symbols on ourselves. And again, it all boils down to your motive in getting a tatt. It shouldn't be about showing off. What's extremely wrong about it is the lying and hiding, if you have conservative parents. Fortunately for me, I guess my folks are liberal enough to accept body art, not that I have one, but if I do intend to get one, I wouldn't have to be one of those self-renowned dopes.

There are, no doubt, however, which the holy book clearly says will not please God. No amount of excuses will justify those.

PS: These are my perceptions. To teach its own. :)

Anyway I've been unexceptionally exhausted. The fatigue, so immensely disheartening, has been growing beneath my very soul. Been feeling pretty dead these past two weeks but I'm very glad to say that I'm ALIVE again! I'm so excited all over again, and so unbelievably positive about everything, anything. Its all good :D

I've only recently found out from a classmate that MidYears start next Friday. Holy cow I didnt even realise how much shit I'm in and here I am, totally oblivious, thinking that its still so far away. Unless I gladly choose to flunk them all and once again let history repeat itself, then I shall continue to remain negligent to the myriad of studying I am supposed to deal with. But no, not this time alright?

I am my own protege and I believe anything is indeed possible if you put your whole heart and soul into it. It's about time we Live Our Dreams.

din

Saturday, April 15

You know, I dont believe that time can heal everything. In fact, I believe in ignoring pain, and distracting oneself in order to 'ger over' that pain, it evolves into a haunting memory.

Some things are beautiful, and yet painful. Like high heels. Four-inch heels aren't meant to be comfortable, beautiful as they are. They are painful on our feet not for nothing; the pain is to remind us of their presence; what they're doing for us, what they're going to give us. Every girl feels gorgeous in a pair of Manolos. Without pain, we wouldn't appreciate our beautiful shoes.

You're an exception to the rule.
You're of an unthought rarity.
You're all i ever wanted.
Oh boy,
could you want me?

I've come to a point in my teenhood where I've realised that every romance is beautiful. Some might involve grandiose affairs, passionate declarations of love, and extravagant wedding banquets, while some might only involve quiet stolls along the beach, and a single stalk of rose. Some live happily ever after, and some end with a tragedy. They are beautiful all the same.

It never ceases to amaze me, how heart-breakingly beautiful it is.

I believe that the future is ours to make. We might not achieve what we want, but at least we tried. And that's all that matters. If we get hurt, thats that. Life isn't a bed of roses.

I'm an idealist as well. I believe in love. I believe in true, unfaltering love. To others it'll seem absurd, but I know I would die for the person I love. How do I know? Because i believe i know myself better than you think you do.

Who are you to dismiss her beliefs and hopes as childish? You are not her. You are merely a spectator.

The world is so hard, so cynical. So heartless and faithless. I dont care. As for me, I'd rather live in hope than to be one of those world weary cynics. I'd rather face a future of happiness than to dismiss every single dream as silly. We dare to dream, we dare to hope. Do you?

din

Wednesday, April 12

Hello all. Forgive my inconsistency in blogging. Will try my best to keep it updated.

so it was Nad's birthday on monday (:

things went great. met up with bhavna & yenny about an hour before her arrival to go get the cupcake and what not. she had no clue i was coming so it was a pleasant surprise. really hope she likes the card and the gorgeous looking pair of heels. with those, she'll be all set to parrrtttaayyyee all night longg. all night, all night longgg. oh yeah. hahah. just thought it was an awesome way to kick off the seventeenth year parading in those beauties. oh well, what can i say? i absolutely LOOVEE shoes.

alls well, life's been pretty much the same. indulging my sediments of my brain mass into knowledgable books and i must say, i feel goooood.

the consequent number of tests next week
enlighten me
in a way so beautiful
where the textbook murmers, 'Love me'

cause it knows i do.

din

Thursday, April 6

turns out,
there was no test.
ms yew seemed totally oblivious to it. oh, darn the 3 whole hours of mugging. Darn it all!

in school right now attending some malay creative writing workshop. we're told to write a story on hitam which means black in malay so i'm writing about Helen Keller. hope it turns out literal. heehee. my malay, all clumped up together, has no contrariety to a load of crap mind you. Good luck to me.

i'll blog again later if i feel the need.
chao for now.

din

Wednesday, April 5

rain rain go away
i know you've come by to say hey
but i'm really sorry to say
get the hell away.
[rhyme unintended]

so school today was alright i guess. played volleyball again today. heehee. how i love to play volleyball. although sometimes i get suaned so badly, i swear, its not even funny. and because i was so restless during the early morning, i ended up snoozing off during social studies. my head was just pounding with immense inertia. God.

my quest for starvation has unfortunately been procrastinated. darn it. not that i want to have a voluptous physique but i just wanna be able to pull off a decent arabesque. the dancer in me lives on (: and also for grad night. wouldn't want unneccessary blimb to divulge.

speaking of grad night, kinda figured out a design that may look absolutely pretentious in my accostumed anatomy. but we're totally clueless about the theme. its down to three.

1. viva la glam
2. black and white
3. masquerade ball

i'm totally rooting for masquerade ball but picture this. a BALL in frigging SCHOOL? get a load of that! imagine everyone in prepped up dresses and tuxes all waiting at tampinese interchange for bus no. 293.. the thought alone is incredibly amusing.

well, lets hope alls well goes well. and i'm really hoping for crystal's big idea. its going to be immaculate. well well. geog test tomorrow on tourism.

i'll get down to it then. goodnight folks.

din

Monday, April 3

Its funny how I am unable to articulate the animosity that fluctuates within my very soul.
Its prepostrous really.

I should seriously go shoot myself. i got called beyond irresponsible by my piano teacher. well, what i did was fall asleep through my lesson hour and somehow deliberately forgot to call her, which was kinda true but what was i to do. i had an immensly throbbing headache. according to her i totally antagonised her apologia and for that i'm terribly sorry.

therefore i pledge to make it to all my piano lessons on the ball and shall not cause any more malicious effects on poor mdm yeo.

i am not going to be the cause of your fatality.
i dont really want to do the honours.
ill put off my undesired sloth
and you keep your life expectancy.

by all means.

gonna hit the books. goodbye everyone (:

din

Saturday, April 1

Impressions 8 last night.
great experience really. for all you deadbeat beings, you have no idea what you missed.

wasn't really in the mood to dress all proper and prim like i thought i would but i just didn't find the time to mix and match my acquired outfit courtesy of the plethora of workload i was accustomed to. at least i bothered to primp myself up with little effort [althoguh i could have done wayy better, mind you] unlike the failed-attempt bozos who came in catastrophic colour combinations and just a plain disaster to the society.

everyone knows that showing off parts of your figure that would rather be left undisclosed is just gross. the worlds got enough to worry about. i've got enough to worry about. so do us all a huge favour and keep away from garments which dont coincide with your anatomy.
however there were people who dressed to impress. like selina, nigel, vikram, nicholas, salihin, verena, sue ann, jihan, wei ling, jun hao, ying hao, etc etc. cheers to you guys (:

headed down to lao pa sat for a quick bite then selina, ying hao and myself made our way down to fullerton just to check out the ambience. pretty awesome considering the fact that i havent been there in a really long time. chilled at f for a while then headed down to the esplanade where we talked the wee hours of the night about everything and everything.

glad i have such friends who are actually quite out there and not all dull and boring. though i think i should have been home long before i actually did but all in all, i had a great time. apparently, life needs to be flourished (:

we took loads of pics.
most of which turned out quite disastrous thanks to the lighting of esplanade which we thought was going to be suitable for cam-whoring. guess not!

last night was the bomb. simply unforgettable. which now means that i shall be mugging my butt off although i do owe ying hao a drink. so maybe second last (:

thats about all. will try to upload the pics asap. till then;

din

Friday, March 31

hello all.
havent been at the comp much this past week so obviously, i couldn't blog.
but i'm here now to cast all my trials and turbulations upon this very page.

so the weeks been flourishing with piles and piles of homework of course. helped mum a whole lot and somehow, i aint getting credit for it. well well. dosent matter. but i thought alot about child innocence this week. its just so pure. so delicate. so enthrusting, if you know what i mean. it all came about when my mum's art students came by. rania, ronit and jazz. they are the cutest things on earth. the things they said were just utterly hysterical. i couldnt help but laugh my butt off although i was supposed to be all professional.heehee.

wouldnt it be just wonderful if everyone were as innocent as a child. lies wont fall out of nowhere. harsh words wont be taken to heart. laughing all day long would be absolutely normal. wouldnt it?
we'd be like huge things embodied by little ones. its the joy in these kids that makes the world go round. child innocence is something that should be treasured not exploited. generally, im not a kid kinda person but child innocence just somehow fascinates me.

yesterday was a boosting yet glum day. had malay remedial after school then went to go meet jihan to help her with her chem then out of nowhere, baldie pops in taking pictures of us. so in return, i took a picture of his bald head while he was obviously serenading it. wahahah. thats what you get for vialation of privacy and not asking permission. jerk.

today's impressions 8! woohooo! totally ditched my level buddies [sorry :'( ] so im going with yenny and wei ming. hope to have an awesome time.i kinda need it. heh. will upload pictures as soon as possible :)

well, guess thats all. long weekend ahead of me.

din

Sunday, March 26

hey all you folks. Birthdays, birthdays and more birthdays. Midnight-surprised Samrina on friday night at her crib. weeeee! how i love surprising people. it just gives me that crude sense of satisfaction :) Tomorrow's AnnHin's and YiWen's birthday. AnnHin's absolutely gonna love her card. It's 100% hand-made [courtesy of Sueann]. heh. and theyre all turning 16! would you get a load of that!

So spent almost the entire day at SueAnn's. Studied quite a bit of geog. At least I got some facts into my thick headed brains. Had the most delicious strawberry cheesecake ice cream. yummmmmm with a capital Y. it was so good so good. We ended up playing a hell load amount of piano. Taught her no me ames and hell, she freaking mastered it. ahahah. she's frigging brilliant. [sue ann, i should get paid for praising you man] hahah. Did AnnHin's gorgeous card with Sue's fabulous collection of fancy coloured paper and a wide variety of ribbons. i like :)

Then we decided to go to parkway to get some stuff, where we ended up going into topshop three times in a matter of one and a half hours. christ, the salespeople must've thought we were maniacs or something. Although one of the topshop salesguys was absolutely hot.
'my kinda guy', I guess. although, Sueann was totallie drooling over him, utterly captivated by his charm and his 'can i help you?' yes you may. i kinda lost my number. can i have yours?

Mouth-watering phenomena.

Impressions 8's this friday and i still haven't gotten my top. Worst come to worst i'll just make do with what i have. bleaghh. how disgustingly boring.

din

Wednesday, March 22

when will it ever be my day?

there are some things that demand indifference.
what is the point of getting worked up?
what is the point of getting moody?
its not quite worth it.

get up, turn around and walk away.
lifes too short for the primitive.

din

Tuesday, March 21

why is it that you just cant seem to put yourself in a state in believing that i am good and i am going to make it instead of making me compromise with myself everytime you defeat the hell outta me.

i'm officially doomed.
and all you bozos are somehow happy about it. how is it that i try so hard to get a grade but then realise im still not doing well enough.

its not fair and i'm going to sulk for as long as i want to and theres nothing you or you or you can do about it.

its funny how people feign interest in their studies then do so bloody well.
spill the beans you fools.

okay, it just struck me that i should probably quit whining and work my ass off the Os.

i may not know what i want right now but one things for sure, i am gonna boogy till the end of time. somehow shine my capabilities through my very soul. yeah! i will want to live the day when i can finally say: dinisha scoresss! wooohoooo! alright man.

okay, its occured to me after many public mentions, time and time again that my blog is indeed very depressing. i whimp, i sulk, i curse, i broot, i complain, i just aint happy.

maybe my life is this way.

now, how is yours any better?

din

Sunday, March 19

Havent really been in the best of moods for anything lately, being a real sulky pain in the butt. Pissed the hell outta my folks tday and i felt really really bad and somehow managed to get back on their good side.

I work wonders, just so you know.

Today was just not my day. Okay, i really wonder how many times i've actually said that. hah. Glad to have gotten some things off my back.

I'm a free woman. Yeah baby, yeeaahh. hahah. I should be this way. Why the hell give a damn? No point is there? I guess i've finally heeded [is there such a word? or is it hed] Vishal's advice. Thanks dude. Peace!

Ok, where the hell did that just come from?

anyways guys, check this out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4cQ3BoHFas
its really, lamely funny. korean madness. hahah.

back to school tomorrow.
how much more gay can life possibly get?

goodnight goodnight my fellow readers. may your day be filled with happiness. may the sun rise up greeting you with a warm, assuring hello. may the grass seem greener and the trees swaying from side to side in the rhythm of love jinggling at your feet everywhere you may go. may your day be perfect and may all your troubles dissolve like salt in hot water. may you have a worry-free day where people await you with smiles on their very faces.

din

Friday, March 17

hey all.
so the holidays havent really been much of a 'time off school' but rather 'theyre holidays but you still gotta come back to school for one thing or another no matter what cause its our senior year and its supposed to be that way'

urghh

on wednesday we had some 'how to maxamise your english comprehension marks' for like six whole bloody hours. well, technically 6. including our 45 minute break. the speaker was quite enthusiastic and engaging and she gave us yummy andes chocs everytime we got the right answer. heheh. she automatically won my ears cause i was beginning to snooze off.

all in all, had fun but for the time span, just wayyy outta my league.

went for shanti's surprise as well. boy, was she surprised. heh. i absolutely love surprise parties. theyre so...so...surprising. hahah. firstly, the food was just awesome. the people who came were so enlightening.people i havent met for God knows how long. and got to talk to paras.hah, that dude. he ought to start acting his age. although, i like his goofy side. great friend really :)

so yeah, again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAN. hope your 18th was everything you ever wanted and more. love you many many.

and yesterday i had school from 9 all the way till 5 then mr ng decided to treat us to dinner and so we went to swensens :) yummmm. i hardly ever go to swensens for like 'real' food but yeah, it was gooooooooood. heh. needed it after jamming lots of math and malay in my very thick skull.

and the bill, awhh, i dont know, i cant even begin describing it.

this is so random, but i love british accents. i wish that one day i'll end up living in britain speaking the clear-cut, original queens english, if you know what i mean. hheh. WOULDN'T THAT BE ABSOLUTELY LOVELY. lol.

din

Tuesday, March 14

i so need to lose weight.

din

Saturday, March 11

din

Friday, March 10

Did you ever wonder how we all got here? On Earth, i mean. Forget the song and dance about Adam and Eve, which i know is a load of crap. i heard of a myth of the Pawnee Indians, who say that the star deities populated the world: Evening star and Morning star hooked up and gave birth to the first female. The first boy came from the Sun and the Moon. Humans rode in on the back of a tornado.

and that about says it all.

i sometimes think that i've been put here to get slapped in the face. cause thats apparently all i've ever been doing. it sucks, yes i know. but its not like ive got a choice. well i probably do but i think im immune to the fact that i've got the choices but i cant make them on my own. which again, sucks but then again, how independant can one be? there'd be more and more single parents out there than you'd ever think and the governments gonna die of a heart attack just thinking of building 1 room flats to cater to the 'independant'.

guess thats where love comes in and starts a never-ending vicious cycle, oblivious to us homosapiens.

din

Monday, March 6

went out with nad during the weekend. it was a work intended outing and it magically turned into a shopping spree :) didn't get much though. got a really really really nice belt from hula & co. which was unreasonably priced [just so you know] and 3 casuals. and you probably think it was the highlight of our day. well, you thought wrong.

while we were walking towards the heeren, a guy [something i'd like to call: hot stuff] and a girl, who had an incredibly pleasant attitude, came up to us offering us delicious coffee from spineli and orange daisies respectively. they were so freaking nice. i'd like to applaud their marketing skills cause they did get me to buy the march cleo issue. something i dont do religiously. it was the cleo's 50 most eligible bachelors thing. we got free coffee worth 6 bucks. exactly what nad and i needed.

sometimes i just wanna sue God for not caring enough for me. but apparently, He does. and that just proved it :)

went for henna's sweet 16th yesterday @ cocco latte. grrreeaaattt party. i think she's got the sweetest most loving parents a teenage girl could ever ask for. i mean whats better than surprising your daughter on her big day. something you'd only see on programmes broadcasted on american telly like my super sweet 16. heh. felt kinda good partying after a long time. somehow i just needed it, for some odd matter.

henna, if youre reading; you have no idea how lucky you are. i'm glad we've grown to be real, genuine friends. always be there yea? rock on babes. love you ♥ btw, you looked utterly, stunningly gorgeous. love your style :)

and finally for today's happenings. slept pretty late last night so that explains why i kept snoozing off during english and math period. teahcers kept knocking on my table disturbing the hell out of my beauty sleep. bleaghh.

jc started today! nad, hope you had a great day. SA rocks! woohooooo! hahah.

went out with yen after school.saw so many things that i really liked; a really cool billabong bag, pretty colourful shoes & pink and brown van's shoes!!!! i loved it soo soo soo soo much.darn.if only 109 bucks could fall down from the sky down to the very ends of the earth. how wonderful life would be huh?

my cat's given birth guys.

kittens anyone?

din

Friday, March 3

din

Wednesday, March 1

mt paper tday and, not surprisingly, i screwed up. so whats new?
but, i really need to get [at least] a b3 for 1st attempt Os. if not, thats the end of me.

english & social studies common tests tmr. great. just when i thought things couldnt get any worse. i really wanna get this common test shit done and over with. oh crap, if i go on like this, i have no goddamned idea how i'm going to cope with my Os man. gosh. oh, God bless.

after this bugger week gets over, it's partyyingg baby! alright man. 2 birthday parties lined up, one of which shall not be disclosed. then theres ben's party@ indochine :)

had tuition for chem tday. omg, shawn is so fucking cute! awhh. his gorgeous eyes, ooh, and that smile, utterly captivating. its not like i drool about him but he's just effing cute la. and on top of it all, he's in a band! remember i said i have this thing for guys like that.heh.awhhh, he loves lamb of god, just like joel. didnt really think it was thhaatt popular but after i heard it today, whyyyy, its fking good stuff.

went to go meet nad at siglap starbucks, well siglap gelare actually. starbucks is ALWAYS full. grrrrr. anyways, we were like vandalising the walls of gelare where nad went totally, positively Out Of Her Damn Mind. insanely wicked. had fun though. i always do. she's like my ecstacy or something. but she's so manjaan CAN?

mum's psyco. she's lost her damn mind. got severe psycosis or something. urgh. sam, nad and mrs h would know what im talking about..

PUH PSYCO MUM.

cant wait to get done and over with my Os so ill be able to work and earn some bucks that might come in handy sooner or later. it's like a never-ending journey oblivious of its destination. i just want to do so bloody fucking well for my Os so i may persue my dream. yes, dream which SHALL be turned into a reality. at least i hope.

i've got a date with chapter 7 of social studies in just about now.

fabulous.

din

Monday, February 27

hey folks
no comments about today, hypothetically.
its a wonder how life can be such a bore, but that dosent mean you should kill my enthusiasm.

wait, what enthusiasm.

study more, wonder less.
study more, bullshit less.
study more, play less.
study more, admire the future [provided there is one] less.
for christ's sake,
STUDY!

din

Sunday, February 26

i figured, delving into my own set of personal problems is a huge waste of my very precious time. i think i should put it all behind me and focus on the more important things in life. like my education, my friends and just doing well in all aspects in my life.

things between mum and i can go to hell for all i care. as you can see, i've got more important things to worry and think about. so give me some space to breathe mum, i'm close to hyperventilating my ass off. and i'm doing the best i can so dont push it.

WEST SIDE STORY's finally come to singapore! wooohoooooo! and i'm not gonna miss it for the world. i remember watching those little obsolete tapes as a child dancing about in the living room of taman siglap. enchantingly captivating :) checked my calendar and well, i've got my english prelim orals in april, hopefully we get ticks before that. awhhh, i cant bloody wait.

and omg, until the day MrRajaratnam died, i never knew that he wrote the Singapore Pledge.

i never knew he was singapore's first foreign minister and the architect of Singapore's foreign policy.

i knew he was a key member of the PAP's Old Guard but i never quite knew the pivotal role he played in shaping Singapore's early history.

never knew he was a great proponent of multiracialism or that he was the 'ideas man' in a core group of four Singapore leaders that included LeeKuanYew, TohChinChye and GohKengSwee.

and recently, i found out that when singapore descended into chaos with the racial riots, it was him who gave LeeKuanYew the 'heart to go on fighting'.

i will admit that i learnt the majority of these facts watching a one-hour tribute to the man that was broadcast on television at 10, just a few hours after he died :'(

and the worst thing is, i didnt even really mean to watch the programme, i watched it while waiting for the next episode of the admittedly mindless television hit series, America's Top Model to come on.

that proves how little i know about one of our four fathers.
but then again its a wonder how significant he is to our history yet never really mentioned in our history books as much as LeeKuanYew was.

but who am i to blame..

so, SHAME ON ME.

urgh, today just aint my day. i'll blog with a smile another day.

promise.

din

Saturday, February 25

OMG, OASIS CONCERT YESTERDAY TOTALLY ROCKED MY SOCKS!

although i wasn't wearing any.heh. but yeaAHHH!! it was just AWESOME!


the band was bloody just rockin' great man. i wouldnt know what i'd be missing out on if i didnt go. wow. just absolutely, positively loved the crap out of it.hahah. the songs they played were champagne supernova, lyla, WONDERWALL!! heheh. and etc, etc. rockin awesome man. the stage setup was just brilliant.the band was just so damn cool.

i so need to get their cd. ooohh i wanted to get the t-shirt, but i didnt see anyone selling any. sobs`. oh well. but definitely worth a portion of my hundred bucks at least :) heh.

okay now, my life's dedicated to Oasis, Jack Johnson [see, didnt leave you out hunneyy.hah] and many many others. muuuaahhhh. love you guys.

YOU GUYS ROCK!

din

i think that chris from american idol is totally what the competitions all about! woohooooo.

he's just that kinda guy who just sets my heart ablaze. [not that i go for bald guys cause HELL NO.] but his voice just serenades my soul. i think i have this thing for rockers. heh.

Rock&Roll baby!!!

just finished this great book i read. it's called the pact by jodi picoult pronounced picou.
awhh amazing book. loved her use of language. and well, the book was rather suggestive yet appropriate.

to suicide.

been thinking alot lately. what if life's just not meant to be. what if one day i wake up and the grass just refuses to grow, would it mean that its possible for me to refuse living. does it mean that just cause things aren't on my side would it make perfect, eligible sense to just stop. just cause i havent initially made sense of it all would it mean i should just give up. would it matter to me as much as i want it to. would death be the solution to this ordeal of an experiment. dedicated to life i mean.

cause it did
once.

not anymore.
but should it?

contradictory masquerade. is this what i should live for?
should i waste the gift of life? the meaning of it? ya think?

i've come to realise that in the equation of a healthy and happy life, having the right attitude is always a constant. just cause the sun isn't shining on my side dosent mean i shouldnt look forward to crossing over. i think about this all the time. i really want to do well for my Os. thats all thats on my mind. forget suicide, lifes apparently worth living for.

and i gotta say, that i 'want it so bad to work for it'.

din

Thursday, February 23

When you loved someone, you put their needs before your own.

No matter how inconceivable those needs were;
no matter how fucked up;
no matter how much it made you feel like you were ripping yourself into pieces.


the concert's today!
OASIS BABY!
woooohoooooooooooooo.
ROCK&ROLL man.

din

Wednesday, February 22

oh yes, i deliberately forgot to mention yesterday's learning journey experience. was completely excruciating. the damn bus driver somehow dropped us off at some part of MacRitchie and we ended up walking through a jungle-type walkway for more than 10 km, i'm sure, with stones and horrible puddles that never failed to creep up on us every now and then. i mean we were totally UNprepared for it.

the treetop trail was rather exhilerating. loved the impact of the height. just sorta made me witness the beauty of it all. the greenery perhaps or maybe the beauty of just being up there away from it all. the destruction of mankind i meant. the pollution of souls. just heartache.

din

Tuesday, February 21

came across this song today. second sarah mclachlan song i know.
absolutely love her voice.
its entitled;

building a mystery

you came out at night
that's when the energy comes
andthe dark side's light
and the vampires roam
you strut your rasta wear
and your suicide poem
and a cross from faith
that died before Jesus came
you're building a mystery

you live in a church
where you sleep with voodoo dolls
and you won't give up the search
for the ghosts in the halls
you wear sandals in the snow
and a smile that won't wash away
can you look out the window
without your shadow getting in the way
oh you're so beautiful
with an edge and a charm
but so careful
when i'm in your arms

'cause you're working
building a mystery
holding on and holding it in
yeah you're working
building a mystery
and choosing so carefully

you woke up screaming aloud
a prayer from your secret God
you feed off our fears
and hold back your tears

give us a tantrum
and a know it all grin
just when we need one
when the evening's thin

oh you're a beautiful
a beautiful fucked up man
you're setting up your
razor wire shrine


2 days to OASIS!
ladeeda.
better get back to work.

din

Sunday, February 19

hey all.
went shopping today with nad after so very long. i really liked alot of shirts from far-east and heeren considering the fact that i haven't been to town in months. i couldn't get any cause i was so damn broke. it's only mid feb and i'm broke. mum called me 'expensive'. i object though. i really dont think i'm high maintainence. i guess it was just that i splurged my cash on yummy marks&spencer chocolates for valentines and branded slippers i really could have done without.

nad was on a shopping spree today.wooohoooo.heh. the stuff she bought were so nice it made my heart sink right to the face of this depleating earth cause i couldn't even lay my hands on anything, i mean what could you possibly get with 7 bucks? 7 frigging bucks.gosh. i gotta learn how to manage my money. know im still young, but this is totally under drastic measures. i'm sick. i have money cancer.

watched 'i not stupid too' with shanti the other day. brilliant, i must say. i really wanted to see it since the day my 'buddies' asked me out at 11.30 pm to go for a 12.50 show which was kinda obvious that i COULDNT GO and since then, everyones beem talking about it, laughing about it and i got really frustrated cause i was like, 'errrr yeaaaahhh' with no goddamned idea about what the hell they were talking about. so yeah, due to uncommon peer pressure, i went to go watch it :) and it was really surprising that even after a whole month of it playing in theatres, it was still full which ended us sitting on the second row. letting alone the fact that i strained my neck earlier that day so, go figure.heh.

the pressure is on. my music coach is not letting me off this time. she says i've got 'hidden talent'. but its my Os this year and if the talent refuses to show sooner or later, i will personally hunt it down out of its hide-and-seek position and stranggle it with my bear hands till it agrees to shine through my very soul.

God knows where that came from.
heres a note;

There is no refuge from confession but suicide; and suicide is confession.

din

Friday, February 17

okay it seems like a gazilion and ten years since i've updated. been really busy lately with dance, valentines, gervais's departure. it dosent sound depressing or anything but i disliked every bit of it.

valentines. it's days like these which really put you off sometimes. especially for 'the lover-less' which is the literal meaning of single just that it sounds horrible and remarkably terrifying. i loved the whole idea of everyone exchanging little red notes, little cute heart-shaped notes, excellent cookies [sam, you the bomb! loved them], red sparkling hearts which messed up your entire bag. [heh, you know who you are.] and not forgeting the amazingly delicious chocolate which just tastes miraculously better just cause its valentines.heh.all filled with words of encouragment and happiness.

so where did the bad stuff disappear off to?

i mean how come its only on a universal day like valentines that we pass a lovely comment, present our friends with gifts, pass a rose to that special someone just cause you think its THE appropriate day to. what makes any other day any different? why do we need a day to commemorate love? does this mean that we have to have a day to 'remember to love'? how can we possibly be THAT sad. i think valentines day's awesome. i look forward to it, in some way or another, every year. we need it. especially in the envoronment we have been choked in. its a pity though that we dont treat other days as valentines day..or even friendship day for that matter. where everything just seems so bloomy and flowery. everyones so nice and fake. for couples, it would make sense. to them, it would just be an overenhancement of their love for each other and thats cool. but for married couples..guess they kinda forget that they fell in love once and needed a day to remind them. and for us worthy singles. guess its a day to keep our cash where they belong and have a great day. just like any other day should be. really, they should be.

shoot me if you object but i'd agree that probably a years down the road you may just see me flourishing over the fact that valentines day is freaking awesome.heh.

guess we'll never know huh. [been using this line too many times already.heh.but it IS true.]

oh well.
gervais has departed right from my very eyes at 7.34 on that odd thursday evening, terminal 1, changi airport. it took me quite some time to register that he was actually leaving for a long time, and when i finally did all time spent together with all of us friends just cascaded down my mind. guess you never really realise how much you miss someone till he's actually, physically gone.
miss you gervais. honestly, i think that gervais has been the most genuine, most gentle-men like in st hildas sec. okay, probably in our clique and i appreciate that. do come back asap.
well i gave him my jack johnson cd :) who could ever travel without jack in the bag.hah! rhymes, well kinda. really hope he likes it.
oh well

he'll be back. i'm sure :)

well thats about it.
oh. OASIS CONCERT IS NOT IN ANOTHER 6 DAYS. wooohoooo! i can't bloody wait.

kisskiss.

din

Sunday, February 12

will i ever live long enough to...

witness the 7 wonders of the world?
travel the world, in search of national treasure?
climb mountains so high, i could feel the clouds?
watch the sunrise melt into a thousand pieces?
see the end of war?
go sky diving with a risk?
get drunk at my best friends wedding?
scubadive for the sake of it?
swim the 7 seas?
paint a portrait of all the people i love?
live in a palace in a far far away land?
invent a teleporting machine?
read all the books from every corner of the world?
run away with a rockstar and end up marrying him on the beach?
experience life at its best?
discover my true royal identity?
fall in love again and again?
write an autobiography about me?
perform infront of millions of people portraying my talent?
write the most beautiful love song?
candle-light through the night?
be with the ones i love forever?
learn to speak all languages?
possess you?
walk down the asile with my dad?
acquire knowledge at the tip of my fingertips?
be a world renowned forensic scientist?
forsee all darkness as the light shines in?
stop to think and appreciate life at it's best?
tell my folks how much i really love and appreciate them?
call him up saying im still not over him?
witness nature at its best?
forgo lifes miserys and replace them with happiness?
realise that there's really more to life than asking stupid, unanswerable questions like these which are a total turn off. however anything is possible as long as your believe and life's short. live it the way you want to.

guess we'll never know...

din

Saturday, February 11

hello :) these past few days have been very demeaning. the o level results was a real eye-opener and prior to that im totally, completely, FREAKING OUT. its a thing where everything and anything can happen. eg, miracles, total drastic failure. some people whom i assumed wouldnt do as well, did really well. which means 1.never underestimate anyone. 2.if it happened to them.why not me?
God help me.especially me.heh. but yeah, ive got to consider the fact of whether or not i want to be the one crying over regret, ashamed of spending 4 whole years with no pride and confidence in myself.i dont know what i'd do. probably run away to timbuktoo and get lost somewhere in the bamuda triangle.hah! either that or having a admissable reaction and being able to smile thinking 'i did it! WOOHOOOO!', no doubt. i really want that. i really really really do. thats all that matters to me right now.

went out with wei ming & everyone yesterday after so long. had fun. loads. made me realise that i have good friends and i appreciate every little bit of them and also cause every single one of them did really well, it really showed me that nomatter what they say, theyre really intelligent people and again, if they could do it, why can't i? heh.yup.

oh and i seriously suck at bowling. God forbid.heh. i mean i really didnt know how excruciatingly bad i was till yesterday.gosh. bowlings cool, i think.but just not fit for me. considering the fact that cheryl and gervais play so damn well. heh. but i DID beat wei ming by 1 pin for the second game.dig that!

got my dance results just now and this time, im really upset about them. i shan't delve into what i actually got but its not my best, in fact, far FAR away from my best. and i shall clearly quote ms sharon saying, 'Dinisha, you're just pure lazy.' PURE LAZY. me? okay fine, i do admit i'm a lazy dancer but im not a pure lazy dancer. okay, all you guys who must be thinking, 'what the hell is the damn difference!', well there is one! and it matters to me. hahah.

now there's two things i need to buck up in, my studies and my dance.
darn.
nontheless, i shall succeed.

now watch me.

din

Thursday, February 9

got my music results today. i guess no matter what, nothing is really ever good enough. i mean yeah, i got a distinction but of course a really low, down to the very hairs of the earth, low one. i would've been happy with it but then with my music teacher's glum face, it just hit me that she expected more from me. everyone does. why cant i just work in my own level of ability. if i go up a level, good for me. if i fail, then you have every right to demean me.demote my every bit of hope to crumbles of dust. useless yet capacitating. but otherwise, i can only do this much and unless i turn into a genius overnight then it'll be different. let me be me. i know that every child probably has a fear delved year-by-year into their innocent hearts where they'd come home with their test results fearing the fact that, is this good enough? what if it isn't. poor child. and the question would further link to am I good enough? we all know that we are. cause God has moulded us in every special way and so we've been told. my folks said so. practice what you preech. i love you guys but cut me some slack.

for some odd reason, mum's been getting on my nerves. i know im in sec 4. o levels, blah blah, yeah, I KNOW. i'm not stupid, really. but i need a life. banning me from watching the telly aint gonna make a difference. grounding me is just pointless. taking my jack johnson cd away from me dont make no sense. c'mon, you guys can do better than that. a whole lot better. you guys are somehow certified to bug our lives so heres your shot, show me what you've got.
heheh.okay, im totally asking for it.

so yeah, believe in me. you dont know how much it'd make a difference to me. and i do appreciate every bit of you guys from your nagging to your bugging to your unreasonably ridiculous actions. i still love you guys all the same. *kheekhee*

valentine's day's around the corner. well techincally in 5 days. not that im keeping track or anything. so yeah, for all you guys and girls who are attatched. good luck with the vday shopping. hope you all get the perfect thing. unless you abide by the rule, nothings ever good enough.heh. and for all of us lucky and single people, sit back, relax, and enjoy this date-less valentines.it may mean something. and dont give up hope.its valentines in 5 whole days.

put a little love in your hearts.

love DOES make the world go round :)

din

Tuesday, February 7

hello :)
just got back from dance. feet hurt like as if i were a china girl with her feet all bounded up.ouch! china people, i feel your pain.heh. otherwise, ms sharon still hasn't given us our results.grroann. the suspense is killing me.literallty.

today was a pretty boring day. spent half the time in class sleeping. i really need to catch up on my sleep. been sleeping really late just doing homework. wheres the goddamned time to even study! oh well. i guess i've just awaked to the utter fact of being in sec 4. God bless us all.

the o level results are coming out on friday. which kinda means that in exactly one years time, i'd too be collecting my o level results. which would mean i only have 8 months to prelims, wait no, techincally 7 months. and 10 months to the Os. OHHHHHH CRRAAPPP! k, i know im a bit slow. its already freaking febuary. its turning into freaky febuary. i'm kinda glad that the school sorta posponed our CAs. i've finally woken up and i have about a good month till them. i know CAs aren't a biggie but its sort of a stepping stone to see whether we're still inclined enough to even sit for our prelims. i guess its study study study.and i've GOT to STOP snoozing off in class. i'm gonna invent a pill that'll keep you awake for a very long time.unless its already been invented. yup! i sure need it.

this is the part when i wake up. SERIOUSLY WAKE UP.
i mean, in 3 days we'd be witnessing people either with tears of joy & gratification or tears of utter disappointment and regret. which one would i wanna be? should i even ask? i guess no matter how much faith or spiritual belief you have in yourself, you'll always have to work for it. and there is really no such thing as an easy way out. and nomatter how highly you think of yourself, you're never really good enough. especially in singapore. i guess, i love my country and i should try my very best so that i may contribute to the society. be someone. just with that bloody decent job.

all you guys getting your results this friday, well, i cant really wish you guys luck, cause its probably already determined.so yeah, i know all of you guys must have put in your best for it. hope you guys get what you aimed for :) and to nad, i know nothings ever good enough for you, heh.but yeah, i know you're gonna do freaking well and wow us all. you're the one who really helped me through everything and i thank you. all the best nad :) and be optimistic.heh.

k, this is really random, but this Danish cartoonist, whoever you are, GO EAT SOCKS. you coward.
yup, heh.at least i got that off my shoulders.

cheers to all my fellow ex-level mates. love you guys.

din

Sunday, February 5

wrote a little something today.
here goes;

Kept in Memory

those sudden days
those empty nights
all filled with sweet nothings
to throne those eminent lights

she wished she may
she wished she might
be the princess
to that irresistable knight

but came one day
oh, that unforgettable day
when cupid was left astray
oh, that bloody beautiful sunday

as soon as it hit her
that solemn blaze
she thought to herself
to hell with that bastard
mind, erase.

ten years down the road
as her tattoo fades away
she's still not over him
her love for him is here to stay

she decides to forget him
no.
not now.
cause he's come back
but in silence now

she says to him,
'i love you and i always will
but just like autumn turns to fall
my minds instill
that all we'll ever be
are the tubelight kings of memory.'

fickle.


not my best. not about me. just something to ponder on.

you know how every girl sorta dreams about her prince arriving on his steed. well, what if that prince arrives then decides to take off. will there ever be another prince? i thought every girl is destined to just one. its quite cruel, especially if that prince promises her the world then ruins her fairytale and runs off with another. but then again, we live in this world called reality.yup, thats whats being a pain in the butt. how's she supposed to feel? how's she ever gonna love again.

i guess all she'll ever be is 'a substitute person'. clueless of her identity.

din

Saturday, February 4

I'M GOING FOR THE OASIS CONCERT! alright man.

oasis rocks my socks! totally a dream come true. wooohooooo!

din

dancedancedancedancedancedance DANCE!
woohoo! finally. after 2 whole weeks.
nic hasn't made up her mind about the janet cram awards in the uk. i really think she should go. she's a smart & talented girl. and janet cram is an experience of a lifetime. she thinks she should wait till after Os but she's still 14 and the junior category is open to 8-16 year olds and we never know what may happen in 2 years. nicolette! go for it. make us proud :)

so yeah, woke up exceptionally late today. danced for about a good 3 hours. screwed up a little in 'boogie' but otherwise i had fun.

chingay today. urghh couldnt get tix. nvm, theres always next year. suree.

din

Friday, February 3

hey all.
got my hair cut tday. yup! finally. i apparently have a phobia of hair cuts, not cause im born with it, its just that ive had really bad past experiences with salonists which is why i really want to find 'the right stylist' for me. i guess todays haircut was abit disappointing cause i was totally freaking out cause the stylist cut it too short. and i clearly remember telling her to 'keep the length'. oh well.
was fussing over it till i sorta decided, it's not thhhattt bad and as the elite tyra banks once said, 'it will grow back'. no doubt.

but still i wish i could invent some kinda drug that would result in instant ahir growth on the head. but then again, its going against nature and thats not what we want is it? heh. yup.

today was a pretty enlightening day. bunked school :) --the ultimate gratification of the day. met with some of my darling extended family. it's like we were reunited all over again with a car ride! heh.8 people in a mazda 3. beat that!
and also, went to go visit grandma, shes so much better now. i love her so much and theres no way i'm letting her go. what can i say? she did give birth to the best dad in the whole wide world.
cheers to long life gramps~

din

Thursday, February 2

nostalgia.
why can't things go back to the way they were.
i miss it all. i miss you.

don't wanna talk about today
perhaps i need to lighten up.
no.
not yet.
not till i'm FREAKING SATISFIED.

where'd all the good people go anyway? guess i'm with jack johnson on this one.

WANTED: good people
REWARD: very handsome indeed.

okay, enough with the negativity.
things between mum and me seem to going great :) they really are.
i guess with grandma warded in the hospital; not doing well, it just makes me think;
appreciate your folks while you can, before its too late.
pass the common gesture, smile. cause it never fails to make your heart skip a beat.never fails to make it go YIPIDEEE! heh.

there you go. the power of a smile =)

din

Wednesday, February 1

have you ever felt so out of place, you'd do anything to get back in?

so today was a total bummer.
mr chiang completely blasted at us for not having enough enthusiasm during p.e..i mean how much enthusiasm could you possibly instill into a freaking 16 year old? i thought we girls were all trying our best even thought we are 'less skilled' -[according to mr chiang] than the boys.heh
i feel kinda guilty tday cause i wasnt really paying attention in class. instead, i directed my entire attention at aaron's 'freaking cool book of poetry'-which was apparently written by 11 school girls between the age of 14-16. here's one of the lot;

din

Tuesday, January 31

Hello everyone!
This is yet another one of my attempts to blog and this time, i really hope i succeed. cheers to my new blog.heh.i really hope this works out. yes, for real.
anyways i've been thinking alot lately about where i stand in my life. whether or not im doing it right. living, i mean. will i ever succeed from all the goals i hope to achieve? what if i dont. what will it make me? what will i become? ho will i end up? gosh.all these questions.it's driving me nuts.
all i want is to please my folks.to really result them with all that they've done for me and so that they can proudly say that all their effort theyve put in my education, my dance, piano, etc. has finally paid off. & that i have become someone because of what they have always wanted me to do and be.
oh well.guess ill just have to get past my first hurdel.my Os that is.
oh dear God
do help me.

din